h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So they had to be turned in?
No library cop like in Seinfeld?

I'd like a library cop. I wouldn't like to be one though.

H

Sounds like an exciting profession! All the excitement of being a detective without the risk of being shot

You never know. People get shot for some pretty dumb reasons.

I have an amnesty every so often and let folks bring back their books without having to pay a fine. It is moderately successful - not as much as you would expect.

H

An amnesty? Pah
It only costs like a nickel a day.

Fines are 20 cents a day for books and magazines and 50 cents a day for tapes, CD's and DVD's. Up to the replacement cost of the item. Plus processing fees. I have one guy who owes us $167.50.

H

Really? I say get a library cop.

In seinfeld, jerry had a book that was 20 years late

I doubt if a library would really keep track for 20 years. They would have replaced the book long before that or would have just written it off. Lost books is one of our costs of doing business. For a small library like ours, it would cost more to try to prevent thefts and retrieve seriously overdue books than to just replace them.

H

C'mon! Give me a nod and I'll be right down there, tracking down delinquents

I don't think I can afford you. Your pay scale in the Dome is way above my budget. But I'd love to have you. I could rent you a bullwhip.

H

No you're right. I'm much too expensive

But I would like a bullwhip... for everyday chores

Is it ok if I threaten people with you even though you don't intend to show up? I'll tell them to either bring those books back or I'll call Oakwood, Ohio and then they'll be sorry.

H

There are three Oakwoods in Ohio, so you'd have to be more specific, but yeah

That's even better. They won't now what to expect.

H

kno they won't

My oakwood is the biggest and best though

In which case I'll want to threaten them with the right Oakwood. I shall tell them to bring all those books back or they will receive a visit from the Oakwood (right outside of Dayton) Enforcer.

H

Montgomery County is much quicker to say, I think.
Though if you don't care about quickness, I suppose you could give them driving directions

I'm sure they will be too busy trembling to pay close attention to driving directions.

I suppose we could call you te Montgomery County Enforcer. But then someone might think you're from Dayton, which wouldn't be scary at all.

H

And there are actually a lot of montgomery counties

One's in Maryland. There's nothing scary about Maryland either

In that case it has to be 'The Oakwood Dome Enforcer'. Not any way to mistake it for another place. Besides it has a nice ring to it. I like it.

H