Journal Entries
Got to go to bed....
Posted Aug 30, 2002
..before I start being mean-spirited.
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Latest reply: Aug 30, 2002
You think you're over something..
Posted Aug 26, 2002
It's 8:30 in the fu**ing AM..that's what I blame it on. Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting hear with tears streaming down my face. I just got a call from a creditor..they come with less frequency now, since slowly they catch on to the fact that Ray is dead and the widow was left with so much debt she had to file for bankruptcy last year. So usually it's just a matter of telling them my attorney's number. But this morning, she actually asked me what he died of. "suicide," I said, intending to say it simply, it coming out a litle more bluntly. "Oh my god," she says, "My prayers are with you." That's a fine enough thing I suppose. In any case, shortly thereafter I'm off the phone, and crying again. I do it occasionally, I can't help it. I feel like I'm the last remaining bearer of his standard, or some other such pathetic thing. Nobody talks about him anymore; I think they fear tearing at their hastily formed scabs. I don't wish that sort of life for myself - if I cannot cherish those other few humans who have intertwined themselves in my soul, whether they be alive or not, there is nothing here for me. I agonize over this, feel alone because of this, and there is nothing for me to do but cry in the early morning silence of my own living room, being careful not to disturb the living.
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Latest reply: Aug 26, 2002
You think you're over something..
Posted Aug 26, 2002
It's 8:30 in the fu**ing AM..that's what I blame it on. Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting hear with pathetic tears streaming down my face. I just got a call from creditor..they come with less frequency now, since slowly they catch on to the fact that Ray is dead and the widow was left with so much dead she had to file for bankruptcy last year. So usually it's just a matter of telling them my attorney's number. But this morning, she actually asked me what he died of. "suicide," I said, intending to say it simply, it coming out a litle more bluntly. "Oh my god," she says, "My prayers are with you." That's a fine enough thing I suppose. In any case, shortly thereafter I'm off the phone, and crying again. I do it occasionally, I can't help it. I feel like I'm the last remaining bearer of his standard, or some other such pathetic thing. Nobody talks about him anymore; I think they fear tearing at their hastily formed scabs. I don't with that sort of life for myself - if I cannot cherish those other few humans who have intertwined themselves in my soul, whether they be alive or not, there is nothing here for me. I agonize over this, feel alone because of this, and there is nothing for me to do but cry in the early morning silence of my own living room, being careful not to disturb the living.
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Latest reply: Aug 26, 2002
Buddhist Wisdom fer t'day
Posted Aug 24, 2002
Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent. On the contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over our mind through understanding the real causes of happiness and fulfillment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and suffer less.
Well, I find myself with attachment issues. Oddly, not to my kids; we have a sort of mutual taken-for-granted symbiosis thing going. For me it's that love/hate thing I always end up having with significant others. I'm not sure which I fear more - being in an uninspired relationship or being alone. Not having really been in the latter (never having lived on my own; it was home to dorm to married life to live in relationship to current life living with kind of ex-boyfriend), I guess it makes me even more nervous. I've never taken care of just me, and now I have two kids! Perhaps that should make me feel better since I always pull it together when necessary, and having those two kids makes it *necessary*. And finally I'm in a financial position that is tenuous, but that allows me to be self-sufficient should I wish it. Oi..I suffer from too much freedom. 
Isn't that the gen-X woman's dilemma?
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Latest reply: Aug 24, 2002
I'm the god over in the corner with my hands shoved in my pockets, shrugging noncommitally
Posted Aug 21, 2002
(continued from news, above) ..I'm that pathetic girl that needs male professors to love her and pet her and tell her she's amazing . Sound awful? At least I'm honest. And aware enough to try and reciprocate when I'm in the position of being able to edify my own followers. Were it a world where my self concept were enough to allow me to chase after my desires, then there would not be this tension. As it is, I have to spend a great deal of time convincing others of what I already know, and self-promotion really isn't my thing.
I think I have a God/I Suck complex 
.
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Latest reply: Aug 21, 2002
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