h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I can't wait, personally. I think Matholwch might have reserved a spot for me, next to Hasslefree on the baby-platform (what's her new name?), and Hoo et al should have the air conditioning working any minute...

"Hey! Math! You missed one! And the flames are tickling that kid's toes!"

Our jobs sure are cut our for us. And I'm not certain about this, but Justin's departure from h2g2 coincided nicely with the start of my carefully targetted campaign to respond to his posts in a style akin to his own, but with a little more 'Christian spirit'. (Not to mention good ol' Christian intolerance - we're quite famous for that! )

As for his insults, I long became use to the fact that Justin insulted other men - and women - aside from me. He's been fiddling around behind more backs than one!

Oh, that was tasteless. Sorry. By the way, Beethoven is fabulous. Listen to him day and night. This will prepare you for the splendour that is Rachmaninov. Hell sure will be a brighter place with them in it!

- Jordan

When I first encountered him, snivel, I laughed at his postings. First, I thought they were jokes, but when it turned out to be serious I decided to pretend to be a fellow Christian and see if I could infiltrate his mind. However, after only two posts of trying to do that, I rose to the bait and revealed myself.
Myself, personally, I think the reason why I'll enjoy Hell, if it exists, is the twin facts that a) There isn't a single Christian down there, and
b)every one who's anyone ever who I'd like to be stuck with for eternity ISN'T a Christian.
Hell's got everything good, anyway. Biker chicks, loud music, good taste, individualism... it's even nice and toasty down there.
The only really nasty thing would be the rivers of streaming human effluence, but I'm sure I could get Dante to clean them up.

Hi Fnord

"There isn't a single Christian down there".

Au contraire, I expect the place to be bursting with them, and nobody else. All the non-Christians will have trotted off to their own appointed heavenly realms or into the queue marked 'Reincarnation This Way'.

I intend to set up a secret escape route to allow the evacuation of all the babies.

Blessings,
Matholwch /|\.

Why bother? Justin's Hell isn't as good as Alji's - we'll soon get use to the pain because our bodies won't burn (if we're meant to be there for eternity), and before long Hoo's going to sort out some air conditioning. I mean, as Justin said, most real Christians aren't clever enough to be educated, so I suppose we're going to have plenty of brilliant minds.

'Hey, J-God! Who has the Nobel Prize winners?'

I wonder - if we're clever enough, we might be able to skip beaurocracy and go straight into enlightenment. Heaven, presumably, will be suffering from over-inflation, a bad economy and a distinct lack of brainpower.

I wonder if plumbers are too smart to get into Heaven?

- Jordan

Maybe they have criminal underworld elements in the underworld, and we can rise to the top like bits of scum in a mug of dirty water, then 'go over' Satan, take over Hell, and destroy those pesky Mormons once and for all. Then we steal their wives.
Obviously it'll only be Christians down there, now I come to think of it, since everyone knows it's a masochistic religion that only exists so people can hate themselves for it.
Since everyones got their own Hell, do we get to swap on a rota? I want to have the hell of an anti-sexual freedom prissy Christian Fundmentalist schoolteacher.
"My Hell's better than your's!"

We don't practise polygamy any more, Fnord!

And Justin only has one Hell. His God isn't that imaginative. Anyway, if I had a Hell, I'm sure it would be full of **** ******** * **************** *** * ****** ******* * ******* ***, and (horror of horrors! ) - dictionaries with mispelled words!

And if we all have individual Hells, perhaps you will get the Hell of an 'anti-sexual freedom prissy Christian Fundmentalist schoolteacher' - unfortunately, it'll be a he, and he'll be a repressed homosexual.

Come to think of it, I'm pretty good at this Hell-designing business - perhaps I should tell Justin to worship me?

Most of the Saints I know don't hate themselves - quite the opposite, in fact! Perhaps you should listen to a firm favorite among the young women: 'I am of worth, of infinite worth...'



- Jordan

Well, at least some offsrings of Christianity are both sadist and masochistic... Catholicism, at the very least, is a prime example of both of these, and if you can't see what I mean for yourself, you need to rent a pair of figurative eyes and a clue. A-><-A

It isn't true that Heaven is up there, and Hell down below. In fact they are alongside each other, divided by a long fence. This recently fell into disrepair, and noticing this God called the Devil to remind him that maintaining the fence was one of his duties. The Devil told him to fix it Himself if he was that bothered. "You get it fixed," God tells him, "or you'll be hearing from my solicitor." The Devil replies, "Where are You going to get a solicitor?"

Noggin

Noggin, that's like the one about the engineer.

Yes, I can see how Catholicism has some lingering... undercurrents of depression and guilt. There was a book that mentioned that. I think it belonged to my Uncle, though, so it's unlikely you've ever heard of it.

- Jordan

There's a book which I own which mentions it: It's called the Illuminatus Trilogy, and it's almost as good as it's sequel, Schrodinger's Cat. Read them. Now. Go! Go! Go!



















What are you still doing here?

I think mine was more subversive.

- Jordan

If it's subversive you're after read "Raising the Stones" by Sheri Tepper.

Noggin

"Au contraire, I expect the place to be bursting with them, and nobody else. All the non-Christians will have trotted off to their own appointed heavenly realms or into the queue marked 'Reincarnation This Way'."

And some of us, myself included, would go to work on designing a better heavenly realm just for fun.

And maybe some more would have wasted their time prettifying Hell and cleaning up the graffiti for the rest of us, before we enslaved them and bent their backs to the crack of the whip, in order to complete the new games arcade before the full moon.

Here, have a bottle of theology-free christian fluid, it's on the house.

Hello Fnord, hi!. Just wanted to mention that the Illuminatus Trilogy is one of my favourite books I think that certain fundamentalists around here should read some Robert Anton Wilson, perhaps 'The New Inquisition' :>

Precisely! You appear to be popping up all over the place, friend, feel free to join in even more, preferably on the threads I'm on, like the "I'm going to raise a mass debate...." board. Suggestion.
I know, nice to meet a fellow Antonist, but dammit, I ordered that book (and ALL of his others) offa Amazon bout four months ago, but guess what. They've done a Schrodinger's Cat, and Amazon thinks I have them, and I know they have... I've only got Prometheus Rising and the two Illuminati's to be getting on with... doh.
Laalalalla, Wilson is da BESTEST.
-M3.

I always seem to find these mass debate things 2 months after they have died down :> But I'll see what I can do. Re: Books - I'm sure there was some conspiracy to stop me from ordering Principia Discordia, every company I tried went "Um.. ah... we're out of stock, yeah that's it." Got it eventually though.