h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ouch!
Where am I?
Was that strangly like being drunk?

*cals manic laughter can be heard from outside*

*he does a little jig which bobs everyone about inside*

*and then the clones arraive*

[clone one] please identify persons

[clone two] ugi wanted for knot tying skills *gives ugi a prod* Alec tritian wanted for electrical skills *kicks alecs bucketed foot*

OW! Mind out!
Erm.. Who are you? Actually, what are you? And where are we? And where's Cal gone? And why does that sound like something you put in your washing-machine?

[clone one] do not make fun of our great and mighty leader or you will suffer the tourchure via feathers. You will be going back to trog to join the troglodite army in the fight against the squidies, you are needed for your supreme knot making skills

[clone two] get them suited up and ready

!!OH NO !!!

something has happened to my eyes !!!

it's all in AALLAABBAASSTTEERRRRR !! AAAARRRRGGGGH

*quickly slips on goo shades*

phew ...that's better.

*kicks both clones with bucketed foot...they grasp their
shins and hop on one leg...*

Got any rope with you Ugi ??

alec.

Oh, I see.

I don't suppose going back to the bar & having another drink is an option?

Nice one Alec! (sorry about the link! - a hazzard of posting at work I'm afraid!)
*quickly whips off his stout cord-belt & deftly ties the clones hands & feet all together as they clutch their shins*
Best I can do for now Alec!

*more clones arrive the cattle prod alec and ugi into a room were a comatose floh is lying on a metal bed*

*they lock the door (which is made out of the same stuff as the wrogn in fact so is the whole room)*

*looks at amazingly-easily-rewirable door control pad, which happens (as is tradidtional) to be held on by a single, surprisingly loose, screw*
Reckon you can tackle that one Alec?

*20 clones guard the door awaiting instructions from their great leader*

no worries Ugi...

*goes to the other end of the room, pulls the bed aside (without
waking the sleeping floh)...finds...YES !!

the Diamond-Plate Hatch in the floor!!!*

er...sorry Ugi, i'm suffering from a painfully slooow connection
at the moment...could you give me a hand with Floh here ?

This hatchway leads to the control room...

alec.

*helps Alec pull the bed to the other side of the room & carefuly slips Floh under the blankets*

*gives Alec a hand to get the hatch moving*
I have connection problems too just now Alec. I'll do what I can.

...thanks Ugi...got to work fast here...

*jumps into void beneath the floor, locates A) remote control receiver box...disconnects input to re-sizing module*

OK now the little trog can't resize this thing or otherwise communicate with it from outside.

*locates B) the master control relay enclosure for all the door locks
on the whole craft...removes relay for each door, thereby locking all the clones up. (clones are too stupid to look for Diamond-plate hatches Cal ).

OK this way ugi, we can get to the control room along here.

alec.

*snowy sits in the control room gaurding the RED button*

*...moving right along the passageway,bracing himself against the
side as the craft is violently banged on the bar, alec locates
the interface panel for the control room console.*

*tapping into the plc,reconfiguring the inputs and transferring
all control functions to the garage door opener he always carrys
is the sort of thing that he does nearly every day*

*pressing the 'open' button, the aalox leaps out of Cals grasp
and hovers out of reach above the bar.*

alec.

now this is just

looks like fun

now...if i reconfigure the plc inputs slightly, we can achieve
lateral motion by pressing 'up' and 'down' simultaneously.

*the craft leaps 8 ft.(2.3m) to the side, bumping into the
moosehead hanging above the door.*

hang on tight, i'll get the hang of this in a minute.

alec.

*a verrry large mooseye is viewable through a porthole*
*plato removes the moosehead tha fell on him*
*a verrry large Plato eye is viewable through a porthole*

*booming voice*

Sweet! a Star Wars miniature spaceship toy (r) !