h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*deep in the Potting Shed lurks unimaginable horrors. Smells assault the nose and there lurks dark dead things or things that should be dead*

*It is the safe haven of Hogg and his gardening cohorts*

*arrives by Chauffeur driven Bentley, knocks on the Shed door and gets a smear of something horrible on his golves for his trouble*

There doesn't seem to be anyone at home !

*enters*

*parachutes in with great ado, gets tangled in the parachute, stumbles over the ropes, pics up bottle of Glen Wobble*
You go first, redders. Good lad, he's in. They don't make 'em like this no more, brave, bold, stupid.
You go second, Lowers. Go girl, go, show 'em!
Who goes third?

(springing out from behind a yew tree in full and rather overlong battledress) Reddod,a curse on your forefathers of anglo saxon persuasion(aside) one has to be so careful these days ! Thou art pale and male and thou hast besmirched the name of the Lady Lowena in print anfd throughout all cyberspacia! (trips over battledress) What say you?

*from inside the shed*

I'm not coming out till you come in and have a look at what Hogg has been up to ...... he's built some sort of mechanical artifice ? A contraption of somekind.

(attempting to remove battlehead) I can't see a damned thing. Whats that you say? A contraption? But where did he get the money from for such fandanglrey? Moonlighting I suppose! (inches towards the shed) This better not be a cunning plan....

*from inside the shed*

No deception old gel - Club honour and all that.

It's a most remarkable device. Hogg appears to have plumbed in the liquid overflow from the compost heap and is doing something to it .

I SAID that Lurchers is in there ... makin' his infernal Mc Lurchers! Just turn that place upside down. Or better, put a match to it.
No wait. *removes self to safe distance*
Now you light that match me brave fighters for empire!

*from the shed*

I assure you that Lurchers is not here gels and no sign of any MacLurchers ..... just lots of Glen Wobble empties. I bet the cove has been stealing from the stockroom .....

..... or worse,


..... distilling,


..... Glen Wobble,


..... from liquid compost !



I see it all now ! This is the true origin of Glen Wobble and now we can explain that aftertaste and it's unique piquant taste. What a fiend

Pernicious poppycock! All Glen Wobble is smuggled by myself personally or my trusted minions. This is just a ploy in poor taste to lure dainty me into this evil smelling dump, and i use the word evil smelling for want of one stronger!

*a giant shambling figure of a man wanders in from the gardens and see all sorts of commotions going on round his abode*


Oim afraid what Mr Redders says is true mistress. Oi av bin involved in a Glen Wobble forgery operation in league with the gypo's thart live on the 8th 'ole fer the last year.

You lot 'av been quaffing somat on the gross side fer a long toime now much to the merriment o' me and the boys. We wuz put up to it by Mr Big for a considerable amount o' filty lucre - yez bin paying us poor folks too little fer too long and as all we add to look forward to was the annual beating it were and easy decision to make.

Now you've given oi a bit of a problem now that you've discovered the old scam and oi think that the best thing to do is for yous to git gone sharpish loike whilst oi make my escape.

*brandishes a vicious looking trowel*

Well, well Mr. Shambler from the Shed, i'll have you know that the only genuine Glen Wobble comes with the bloody thump print on the label, with which all bottles under MY chair are appropriately marked, using the bloody thump of the last Glen Wobble forger. Temptation to forge this excellent brand is great as profits are huge, but we can't have that as an excuse, and also I need another thumb to mark the next lot of imported past the police Glen Wobble. One of the gents got a proper razor on yer? Can't remove a thumb with one of them them newfangled contraptions.
That is, I can try anyways. *sez she slowly, eyes narrowing dangerously until they almost don't look bleary no more*

*peeks out from the shed*


My goodness ! Who would ever have guessed what was going on with the Wobble

*From a hide, a safe distance windward*

I said it all along!!!
God knows what excuse the frantic female will come up with now...but it`s too late... the truth is out
Shudder to think of the possible long term effects, what,

*stumbling in from the exotic greenhouse*

I say, Chaps, those weeds out there look rather like that marry-warner stuff they grow in the Eastern Cape Province - do you think that the ol' codger has some Xhosa blood in 'im, wot?

*pockets a handful for some private research in his quarters later*

Ha, I smell a plot! Actually, I'm not quite sure what I'm smelling. Wrinklers now, he seems to be the one on to something that requires further investigation. I say, here Wrinklers, i happen to be a qualified botanist. Shall we go and conduct a set of analysis and inquiries?

*realises that with the discovery of the pharmaceutical processing in the greenhouse the whole gaff is completely blown and his entire operation is fatally compromised*

*Fred decides to leg it*


Oi'll be bark Sorrs - you aint seen the larst o' me !


*scarpers towards the Golf Course and the sanctuary of the gypo encampment*

Go in pieces! Har, har!
'bout them weedies, the gaff may be blown, but not so loud as the flatty on his beat might hear it.

Now loook here Chaps and I say this with all of our best interests at heart...*looks sage and somewhat magisterial-imagine if you will a J.P called Basil*
what we have here is a conundrum.But what it comes down to is this-do we or do we not want a gardener,even a pisspoor one as Hogg has been for the last few months? Yes.Do we want a different gardener and by the looks of things there will soon be a lot of people to choose from soon we could have our choice from litvik,latvik,estonie,czech,slovak that is the question before the house!! *Sits down suddely overcome by the thought of how much Glen Wobble she has consumed during Hilary Term* s in a unsagelike fashion.

I fink we should immediately change the padlock on the old shed and take turns in guarding the whole apparatus and array of pot-plants - just until we are sure how to operate the dang thing, wot? Deli and I will take the first shift if you'd like while we investigate the botanical make-up of the origano plants, eh?