h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

hello wargamer, the sheep have need of your weapon experise
would you considder joining us in our revolt against overlording humans?

well... I don't know, being human and all, but I'll happily provide you with weapons and wargear. I don't like to ally myself to anyone for too long (after the D'pang war the galaxies down one species...) but perhaps we can make an agreement...
...
How about this, can the sheep provide me with some basic foodstuffs (I can't get much stuff up here on Pluto) and in return I'll give you some basic armaments, just tell me what you need and I'll name my price!

let me get together a list for you and then we can work out a deal

I'll need a list of weapons armour and vehicles that you need. I've got some stuff in surplus, although it is built for humanoids. I could probably provide some Servitors or Slave Crews if neccessary.

good, i could use som armoured cars for a start. and the slave idea is great!!

Armoured cars... hmm, yes... I have just the thing!
*Runs into Hanger 2. Comes out in a modified buggy.*
This is the Strider. It's based on the Humvee all terrain vehicle. It has a forward firing Heavy Stubber (a simple yet deadly machine gun) and a rear facing Autocannon (a heavy anti-tank gun) with a 180 field of fire, perfect for removing enemy persuers!
There is one problem, though, they're built for humanoids so Sheep might have difficulty using them. I can provide Servitors (they are completely fearless and have super-human strength, but are as smart as a political statement) but that's about it.
[Sounds of rumbling come from inside Hanger 1]
Huh, is that... Oh Feth! CID!!! THE CLAYMORE'S LOSE!!!!!
[Wargamer dives into the hanger moments before an energy blast vapourizes a tank parked nearby. Sounds of heavy gunfire can be heard within]

uhoh
*pulls out small arms*

that will do well, the servitors, they are completely loyal?

*There is a huge explosion, and the doors of Hanger 1 are blown off, along with chunks of several bits of robot*
There, now then, what were you saying?
Oh, don't worry about the Servitors: they've had their higher brain functions erased and so can't think for themselves (literally!). I can program the Servitors to obey your troops (or more probably, commanding officers). They can think to an extent: They can be programmed to shoot at enemy units, for example, or to drive a vehicle while avoiding obstacles; as long as it doesn't exceed there programming, they can do it!
...
Well, if there's anything else, small arms, ordnance, etc. Just give me a call!

glad to do buisness with you
i will get you some protocols for the progmaing of them soon
and you will definitely be our first choice as the supplier of weapons and the such for the revolt

Nice to have you with me, but...
How are you planning to pay me? I don't like cash in large amounts, I prefer raw materials or manpower (the term 'Manpower' is used to describe anyone or anything brave/stupid/drugged enough to work for me), although I will accept small amounts of money (no more than 1 million in cash, please). Tell me how many 'Striders' you need and I'll name my price. I'm also working on side-arms and armour for you...

good, 3 more cars should be suitable and not too much armour(5 suits) but plenty(10) of side arms.
as we are a small revolt as of yet

Roger that! Let's see... Stubguns should be best as they take 9mm Parabellium Rounds, plus 5 suits of Flak Armour... 3 Striders... Extra Ammo... OK! Here's what I want...
1) 2.5kg of Uranium (Plutonium would do) OR 1.5kg of Titanium Alloy.
2) 500g of Gold/1kg of Silver/£50,000 or equivalent (choose which is more convienient).
3) 20 Galons of Petrolium (Unleaded or Diesel).
4) A car (A 4-door hatchback or a 4x4 if possible).
5) A copy of The Times newspaper (you can't get it on Pluto).
If there are problems, call me! Bye!

hmmm... i will give you a bloody subscription to times magazine, but here is todays, a nice hatchback
very new and
the tank is full and there is another large gas tank attached with 30 gallons in it

give me a bit to come up with the rest

Thanks! I'll get your stuff sent down to you right away, you can pay the rest when you have the stuff. I've provided Servitors for the vehicles and they're already pre-programmed them for you to save time.
By the way, have you ever been to Wales or New Zealand? I hear they're full of .
IMPORTANT!!! for anyone reading this, I have every respect for people from Wales and New Zealand, heck I've got relatives in those countries! So please don't take offence, I don't mean any.

i have not, but i have corespondence with a few undercover and reconessance over there

Hey Galen! I've got another offer for you...
Now firstly, you should know my Human Rights policy.
There isn't one.
Bearing that in mind, could you possibly find me a couple of people/sheep/whatever for my factory: I need some new people to replace the Servitors I lost when the Phase plant blew up. So, if you could find me a couple of potential victims/volunteers and I'll provide you with some more equipment for your revolt. How does that sound?

i do not want to say yes just yet, but i am interested as we need some, 2 maybe, helicopters

Have you checked out the 'Griffon' in my Think Tank (A692589)? I think you might like it...

i just checked it, looks perefct, except one small factor, could you add a little armour