Journal Entries
How do you exorcise someone from your life?
Posted Dec 16, 2002
It seems, especially now that I've started writing in my journal again, that I'm obsessing just a bit over him and what there was, what isn't there anymore. But for almost three months I'd avoided the topic. I think now I'm finally ready to talk, to exorcise the demons as it were. My previous journal entry was the turning point, I think. I was crying as I wrote it, bawling my eyes out for the first time since I found out the whole truth about everything.
I felt drained, tired, in pain. But freer. I didn't really realise it then, but over the course of the last couple of days I've started to realise it more. The turning point came last night whilst watching a movie. There's a song in the movie that in a way was 'our' song. Such as it is. I knew just hearing it, even in the context of the film, would make me cry. And it did. But not for long. I couldn't find the energy to weep, I couldn't find the NEED to. I dreamt of him last night, and although melancholy, it didn't ache nearly as much as it had been in the last few weeks.
I think I'm healing.
But how DO you exorcise someone from your life? Do you retreat, eschew the places and things and sounds and smells and memories that you enjoyed together? Or do you head out on your life, perhaps avoiding places that you KNOW they'll be, but not letting the memory of them ruin things that once you enjoyed for enjoyment's sake? I'm not sure myself. It was a long distance relationship, so avoiding places and activities is easy, I can do it and not lose my life.
I just go on with my life, even though at times I feel my throat tightening and the tears welling.
I get angry sometimes, and at others frustrated and sad. But I don't feel like I'm mourning anymore. I can talk about it. I can get it out.
I can exorcise him from my life.
Begone.
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Latest reply: Dec 16, 2002
So Here We Are
Posted Dec 14, 2002
May 5th was apparently my last journal entry. I haven't gone back to look at any that aren't on my immediate page. I'm considering deleting them all without looking. I just don't want to see HIS name there. Or references to him. It all still hurts so much.
It's been two, nearly three months. This is the first time I'll have written anything about it in this whole time. I thought I was over it, but sitting here now I can feel the tears welling. They're rolling down my cheeks. They're hot. I hate them but I can't stop them. He was my life, he meant everything to me. He lied to me. He broke my heart.
I've pretended now for ten, maybe twelve weeks, that I was coping. But I'm not. I'm torn up inside. I just can't let myself cry. I can't lose that control. But I am. I've got no one here. My only friend, my housemate, has gone on vacation for a month. I'm alone. With my thoughts. Traitorous mind. I don't want to think about it, but I can't help it. So much of my life involved HIM, when he left, it tore a hole that's still raw and hurting. It's like a graze on your leg. It stings, but you touch it. I won't say it'll never heal, because it will heal somewhat in time. Until it heals I'm just at a loss.
I don't like crying, it makes my head hurt. But I can't stop.
I feel like I've got nowhere to turn. My friends are trying to support me, and they've done a wonderful job, but I just...It's so hard to explain. I don't want to open up to them because I don't want them to see how much I'm hurting, how much damage has been done. I need someone to hold me and comfort me and tell me it will all get better, but I don't know where to find them.
It's supposed to be that a girl's best friend is her mother. That's who she's ultimately supposed to be able to run to when she's had her heart broken. Or her Daddy. Her daddy's supposed to be able to protect her and make her feel safe. My daddy doesn't care. My daddy isn't here. My daddy has a new life with his new wife. It'd be so much more convenient if he didn't have children from his previous marriage. Though it's not that mum doesn't care. It's that we never had that kind of relationship. We never will. I can't open up to her. I don't trust her.
I don't know anything any more. I'm at a loss. A loss for what. A loss for anything.
I feel so helpless. My entire world has been shattered, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together.
I need someone to help me, but I don't know how to ask.
Discuss this Journal entry [11]
Latest reply: Dec 14, 2002
Razorblades in a bottle of vodka
Posted May 6, 2002
When you’re that afraid of pain and rejection that your last several relationships have been with people you’ve never even met...
When people scare you that much that being outside is an exercise in panic and psychosis managment...
When you can’t even form platonic relationships with people because you’re so inalienably different from everyone else in the world, yet inexplicably the same...
When you crave company with every fibre of your being, but are too terrified of f**king everything up to even try to go out and socialise...
When you go to work or school for a full 40 hour week, but spend every weekend alone, talking to the only people who seem to understand you on the other side of the world...
When you want to smash every dish in the house, and sit bleeding amongst the shards of glass and crockery with a knife at your wrist and tears in your eyes...
Razorblades in a bottle of vodka. At least it won’t hurt as much as it does right now.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: May 6, 2002
The Imaginatively Titled Punt & Dennis Show
Posted May 5, 2002
Remember that TV show title!
Discuss this Journal entry [15]
Latest reply: May 5, 2002
Working Title
Posted Apr 30, 2002
If bad things happen in threes, then good things just have to happen in multiple numbers as well. This past week or so has been absolutely bloody grand for me. Wonderful!
$2.5K put into my bank account from my trust fund. Yes I'm putting a fair bit of it...(Okay, less than half, sue me) into a high interest bearing savings account. But the rest I can spend all on myself. Girly Shopping Bliss! Haircut, new pants, Tomb Raider DVD, REvil Soundtrack, new bra, Minidisk player/recorder. Oh yes.
My muse has come back from one of his all-too-frequent trips to hawaii and left me with some stonkin' new ideas for a guide entry. 'kay so it's a subject prolly that a lot of people aren't going to find that interesting, but hey. I will!
Aaaaaand...Some of you may recall me bitching not too long ago about having lost my very first guide entry when leaving my place of employment and accidentally leaving it on the hard drive of my computer there...
I FOUND IT AGAIN!
Turns out in a fit of paranoia I'd emailed it to myself sometime back in December, and promptly forgot that I did so. A few days ago, whilst trawling back through my email hoard (Yes, I hoard emails. You never know when I'm going to need a one line email from my beloved that merely says "I love you". But I digress), I found my hard-worked guide entry...A bit more polishing and whatnot and it should be ready for public consumption in a few days.
I so happy! *sniff*
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Apr 30, 2002
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