h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Notes on "Eclogue with Galatea." (I'm posting it here so jwf will be able to read it, but don't tell Corrie it's here if my criticism seems too harsh.)

I like the plausibility of the opening line. Sounds like it could be the start of an actual travel story. Some of the wording throughout the story seems archaic, though.

Needs to establish the narrator's gender early in the story, preferably the first few sentences. It's important for readers to know this as soon as the narrator starts describing the shepherdess. Makes a world of difference in the thoughts that start going through our heads.

Very awkward sentence: "I gave up following any semblance of a trail, whose likes I had last seen long previous."

I don't think the section in parentheses should be in parentheses. "(I lay unconscious for several hours..." If the author is worried about staying with the protagonist's perspective, the story could skip ahead to "When I awoke," then fill in details as she finds out what happened to her. But it would be perfectly acceptable to let her narrate that section as it stands. Which way to play it out depends on the tone and overall effect that she's looking for.

"She was, in short, beautiful: not pretty or cute but frighteningly, terrifyingly beautiful." Would be better to show these details instead of telling them. What are the effects of someone who is "terrifyingly beautiful?" Afraid to look at her? That is, afraid she'll realize you're staring, and know why you're staring? Concrete details instead of abstract.

"And there in the darkness, amidst all my talk of leaving, I found a reason to stay." --What is it?! A talking mouse? Found that her hut and bed are a perfect cure for lumbago? A small oil well spraying into the corner of the hut? Black gold? Texas tea?!

Give one more little hint of *exactly* what reason he found to stay. Maybe he feels skin in the dark? Maybe he hears her breath in his ear? Otherwise, avoiding this important tidbit is really conspicuous. I'm not asking for a hot love scene, just something more concrete than "I found a reason *WINK WINK* to stay."

"drew the keen edge of the knife across the animal's throat." I would delete "keen." This falls under "show don't tell." Telling readers that the knife has a "keen edge" is not as effective as showing readers that the sheep is dead after she drew the edge of the knife across its throat.

I had to look up "scapulae." I don't mind looking up "eclogue," but somehow I mind looking up "scapulae."

I'm thoroughly p**sed at the ending. How is this a lovely Valentine's day story? An antidote to Valentine's day? I can suspend disbelief at the middle of the story where the narrator apparently doesn't miss anything from his life before Galatea enough to return to it. But to establish this paradise, fall in love, impregnate her, then shrug it off when he gets rejected? The last words she told him should have been, "Deadbeat Dad."

I'll never understand why chicks dig these crushingly tragic stories. Except in this case, it would only be tragic if Our Hero were prevented from returning to his shepherdess. It just makes me dislike him and stop sympathizing with him, instead of making me think about the nature of Love or anything like that.

I guess it's a chick movie waiting to happen. I don't think Meg Ryan would agree to be the shepherdess, but maybe Minnie Driver. It'll be a box office smash, and I won't like it there either (the message of it).

I went rummaging around and couldn't find anything but some thoroughly disgusting meet pictures.
I will try harder tomorrow.

When I said, "an actual travel story," I meant an actual non-fiction travel story guide entry, like Neapolitan Musical Chairs.


....Don't get me wrong about all this. I second your nomination on this story. We should definitely use it. It bothers me in the same way Wuthering Heights bothers me. Must be on to something there.

>It bothers me in the same way Wuthering Heights bothers me. >It's a chick movie waiting to happen; it'll be a box office smash. I'd like to use those lines in the intro! It is an annoyingly romantic piece isn't it, in spite of the cavalier ending. My impression is that Corrie is a notorious old (ex-sixties hippy) skindog. If you look for his longer postings in his thread "Where Can I find some nice friendly girls": http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F19585?thread=124799 you will see a Don Juan mentality, which few could ever understand and many would disapprove. You might also note my jealous and cynical responses to some of his boasting. I barely understand him myself, but I have known one or two like him and have actually tasted the sweet meat of life he savours. But unlike Byron and others I have never been able to let go and become a total slave to this compulsion. Modesty forbad and the practicalities of food and shelter overcame the romantic in me. But Corrie is not so practical and realistic. He is in in love with love. It has taken him round the world these last 40 years. Not a gigolo, although some might assign that to him, he is simply driven (as Jim Morrison said) to 'the next little girl'. His wanderlust needs only a small push-start and he abandons, what was for a time, an all absorbing, and one would think, all encompassing relationship. Those such as yourself who are 'committed' will not understand or approve. (My compliments to your lovely wife's 'eyes' by the way.) Living in the moment, giving his all to the moment and then a minute later, lost and wandering, but confident the path always leads to yet another moment to remember. There is no dishonesty or opportunism in his lifestyle, it is purely reaction to circumstances, free to be temporarily enslaved by love and slave to his own freedom. There is a childlike helplessness to his destiny, but it is (like the scorpion) what he does. A wandering minstrel whose song is love and whose instrument is always in tune. Your specific comments are most helpful and will be included in my revisions. But I have promised him it will appear as written if he decides not to accept any of our advice. peace, and thanks jwf

Hiya,

I read the Corrie piece and I agree it has lots of great qualities. Once again the best stuff we dig up seems to be in the creative writing front (even if this is a 'true story').

I realise no 'thirding' is required but I third it anyway!

As for changes, it is something that doesn't seem to be working too well generally, as far as I can see. It's a tricky area of what we want to do, I think.

I like a lot of what Dei has said about it and read with interst jw's comments about the author. Once again I am glad to be around here!

I don't want to go into specifics on the text, but I would say that the 'not-very romantic ending' seems to sit fairly comfortably with the AGG column's values. Oder? (Bundessmiley>

Seeya
Spiff

PS, oh yeah, I agree about those two phrases for an intro -

I shall print out that last posting and handcolor it with my new crayons. You have a way with words, when you choose, that makes me want to break my fingers in realization that I am just a mere pixel to your sprite!

Oooooooooo.....
Oooooooooo
Oooooooooo.....
My skull shall reverberate with the tintannabulations of your
light fingered prose for the rest of the day....
(and I hate you for it.)

I was referring to JWF's post.

You quickie posters!

tonsil,
I watched Part 1 of Ken Burn's new four hour show on 'Mark Twain' on PBS last night. A couple of times, looking at those ancient photos while the announcer read Twain's words, there was a twinkle (perhaps an electronic glitch in the TV signal) in his eyes and I swore I was listening to you. Even the name 'tonsil revenge' took on a new and deeper meaning in this complex air. Dickens died choking on his supper.

I thank you for your kind words about my writing skills, confess to being particularly inspired today (because of Twain) and admonish you for feeling inadequate. Undisciplined, perhaps, but never inadequate. And even 'undisciplined' is not a bad thing, as it is necessary to struggle against the forms and conforms to achieve anything new.

Please undertand, that if I did not respect and enjoy the words posted here by each and every one of our AGG/GAGgists, there would be no AGG/GAG as far as I am concerned. It was you who somehow inspired this effort. Now, as Spiff reminds us, we have much to learn about sharing ideas and finding some way of 'editing' in a communal way.
For now I am currently inspired by Corrie's piece and have set the Valentine issue as my current committment. By then hopefully our co-op will have evolved into a more efficient operation.

I will continue to assemble and edit the page and even write the intros, but I need lots of material to work from and need to hear the reason why a piece is worthy. I realise the audience is wider than my own interests and I will happily suffer any piece of crap if any one of you can say why it deserves our attention.

As much as 'anti-hype' may be the current style in pop culture communications, when someone just tosses a piece in here with a self deprecating shrug I am not encouraged 'to judge for myself' as intended. Rather I am left thinking - well if you don't care, why the hell should I. Caught in a 60s timewarp and in no position to judge or even understand current fashion, I still take what is said at face value, and a shrug is a shrug to me, even if it is supposed to mean something way cool to younger players. So please everyone, if something is of interest, take the time to explain it to me. Then I can do what I do best, steal your phrases and work them into the schpiel (sp?).


jwf

"SKINDOG?" What an excellent word. Excuse me while I pop out to register an URL...

I'm glad you were able to nail down why I didn't like it, because I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I just assume that monogamy is the way to go, and I can't conceive why anyone would shrug it off, or how they could shrug it off.

Maybe I could have enjoyed the story more if there was a hint earlier in the story about him being "carefree" and wandering wherever his lust takes him. The problem is that there are certain things readers must assume by default, especially in short stories. For example, we don't have any visual description of the narrator, and no details to prove his gender until the shepherdess turns up pregnant. But maybe I'm wrong to assume that most people, after living in idyllic paradise and theoretically falling in love, would want to stay.

"He is in in love with love."

Is this character capable of loving? I mean, how loving can a person be if he leaves a pregnant woman alone to cope for herself (even if she wants to)? How could anyone worthy of respect leave a pregnant woman like that, unless he's oblivious to the realities of rearing a child?

Beyond the moral questions of the story, I'm thinking about the credibility of it. I mean, if the protagonist had killed someone at the end of the story, it would have been unsatisfying because his being a killer is not hinted earlier in the story. That possibility doesn't fit with the default assumptions that people bring to a story. I don't think that this abandonment fits the default assumptions for character either. It can still work with a little foreshadowing or buildup at the start of the piece showing that he's a "wanderer" in relationships as well as wanderer across terrain.

wait wait wait... Is that a TRUE STORY? Or is Spiff smoking too many spliffs again?

Corrie claims it's true. Somewhere in eastern europe, like Yugoslavia or Macedonia, circa 1980.

As for skindog, it's an old blues/jazzman's term. The Elvis Presley hit 'You ain't nuttin but a Hound Dog, sniffin' roun' my door..' was borrrowed from other contemporary references, (it was actually a woman's song about such men) and cleaned up (as were many rock'n'roll tunes) for the white radio audience.

Your monogamist perspective is as strange to my experience as Skindog Corrie's ..'polly-glot' bravado is to you. And your words bring me a very welcome reality check, because in my heart of hearts I always knew that yours is the right choice. And a lifetime of observation confirms it.

Now I am wondering if we should try mightily to balance this romantic anti-hero/swinging-single point of view in our Valentine's edition with some testimony to joys of wedded bliss. Failing that, I am prepared to scrap the piece entirely and admit to an abuse of power and using my office to promote my own dirty old man agenda.

You see, I think Corrie's describing the perfect woman - she is self sufficient, she knows how to kill, she makes love like an angel, she needs no upkeep and expects no recompense, wants no promises, anticpates no 'future' and isn't suing for child support or even palimony. She says what she wants and tells you when she doesn't want it anymore. It's like a dream of Amazonia come true and all too perfect to me. She was one in a billion, and I thought, a fit icon for Valentine's. Thank you for reminding me that my narrow world view is not shared with many.

I am not about to live out my life regretting choices made in my youth. No, I happily bear the consequences of those choices and wallow in my bachelor freedoms and solitudes. All the more so now that the beast of lust no longer dominates my mind, spirit and body and I am free to explore more noble interests.

But this recent selfish use of my office to politic for free love must be amended. So please think about some counterbalancing piece for the more orthodox perspective, which is after all what we should be promoting for the greatest common good.

jwf

We should definitely use the story. I'd rather run the AGG/GAG column with a good male-power fantasy than settle for some mediocre selection instead.

"the perfect woman - she is self sufficient, she knows how to kill, she makes love like an angel, she needs no upkeep and expects no recompense, wants no promises, anticpates no 'future' and isn't suing for child support or even palimony. She says what she wants and tells you when she doesn't want it anymore. It's like a dream of Amazonia come true and all too perfect to me."

As soon as we've got her programmed, we'll send you the finished protoype of this robot you're describing.

I'll try to search up some entries on monogamy or marriage or committment to balance out this piece.

Self-sufficiency......what a concept...

Mark Twain....Dickens....

I prefer Michael (Micheal?) Moorcock or Fred Saberhagen or even Frank Herbert. Tony Hendra. The staff of the Harvard Lampoon. Cook & Moore.
Nichols and May. Cheech and Chong. The GOON SHOW! John Lennon's 'A Spaniel in the Works'. Professor whats-his-face, who died the other day, the gibberishist.

Monogamy...what a concept....remember, the mother-in-law and the siblings and all her old boyfriends and girlfriends and pets and car and furnishings come, too...

Benefit of arranged marriages at twelve: less historical baggage.

rococo.......rococo.....rococo.....i write like a maiden aunt compared to Poe or Joyce or Hemingway or Iris Murdoch...rococo...you just like saying it...it's a bit of age-induced glossalia....rococo...
(rummages through CD collection to find Motorhead 25 year 'Best of' album.)

Disc 2, 1st track, IRON FIST.

rococo

oo-Ta, Pet.
'Glossalia'!
What a concept. Googled that one. Wow, I learned a new word today, thank you. That's why I come here y'know. Gads, if I didn't come here and learn something new every day, I'd convince myself I knew damn near everything already. Well actually I'd already convinced myself of that until I discovered h2g2. That's why I'm an addict and come here everyday (several times a day) looking to learn more stuff.

*goes off to google search glossalia again*

Very interesting! And greek too. You know how I love greek stuff.
oo-ta, pet.

By the way, discussion for the next issue 'ruff draft #8' will be in a conversation '8' off that page.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A680186
That way the discussion disappears when Shazz takes the page and gives it a new A-number and I 'cancel' the ruff draft entry. The public 'never' sees what we say about stuff. Clever eh!

peace jwf

"remember, the mother-in-law and the siblings and all her old boyfriends and girlfriends and pets and car and furnishings come, too..."

Dude, you don't have to warn me about in-laws. The only question is whether I need to wait 50 years for all of them to die off (like what's-his-name did for "The Iceman Cometh") before publishing the expose novel about the weirdness I've seen. In-laws are stranger than fiction.

My wife has an ex-boyfriend who's due for parole in another few years. He might want to come visit.

Lemmy's helpful writing hints: If you like to ramble, I'll show you how it's done. Spin some, wander some, it's all the same to me!

Yep, inlaws and outlaws, the two best reasons for staying single.

jwf

Eat The Rich!

In one month, many years ago, I wore out three cassettes of 'No Sleep Til Hammersmith'. I used it for my shower tape every morning.