Journal Entries
Thursdays: Accomplishment and Frustration
Posted Nov 18, 2005
To paraphrase Arthur Dent, I've never been able to get the hang of Thursdays, especially for this semester.
Maybe because it's just past the middle of the week, when I'm just waiting for Friday to come.
Maybe it's because it's my busy day, and I spend the whole time just trying to play catch up and read the minds of my four supervisors.
Maybe it's just because I have class at 8 AM, and have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn without the benefit of exercise.
Today, it happened to be The Meeting.
The two profs I TA for are both really nice guys. One's a structural geologist who knows how to teach (rare as hens' teeth, that), and the other's an aging hippie oceanographer who's great in a conversation. I like them a lot.
Chris set up an appointment to meet with me about my performance as a TA. I didn't figure this was any big deal. They're supposed to look at everyone's evaluations, I figured they were meeting with everyone to discuss them. Of course, Thursday's my busy day, so I had to schedule The Meeting for right after my 8 AM class gets out at 10.
I should have put it off for Monday.
I get in there, Mike walks in, and closes the door behind him. That's never a good sign, because they're going to tell you something that you don't want to hear. I start talking about the TA program in general, my difficulties, what I thought I did right, what I'd like to see happen in the future, my opinions on the utter lack of training new TA's receive, and the progress I've made. All well and good, right?
Then the Nasty-Gram comes up.
Apparently, one of my students sent an email to the profs and claimed to speak for the entire class. They wouldn't tell me anything then except that the comments were reflected on my student evaluations.
Well, what comments? Sixty different student evaluations flash through my head saying things from the absurd ("she doesn't know what she's talking about" "don't have such a monotone voice") to the useful ("lectures were disorganized and unclear") and some completely missing the point ("she answers questions with questions- we have to think to figure things out"- I laughed at this one). I couldn't think on how to ask what was wrong, so I blamed it on a communication problem and said they'd probably heard that in everybody's meeting.
Then they told me that they weren't meeting with everyone.
It was only me.
That Nasty-Gram precipitated The Meeting, and made me waste a half hour in the office, and most of the day feeling angry, frustrated, and generally $h!tty about my career as a TA.
I really didn't hear much of what they said after that. I was too busy over-analyzing and worrying myself into a panic like I always do when I can't evaluate the source of a criticism. I heard them suggest that I meet with Kate Freeman, or maybe take a semester off of TAing (which due to lack of moolah, I can't do).
After lunch, a meeting with my advisor, a pretty much wasted day, and a few minutes of crying in the bathroom, I quit feeling sorry for myself, and I started feeling pi$$ed off.
I mean, really pi$$ed.
I sat down at the computer, and wrote a nasty-gram of my own. In it, I asked for the full text of the email with identifying information removed, or at least a list of grievances, explained my situation as a TA, including what I percieved to be my anxiety about talking in front of large groups and my inability to translate what I read on the tip sheet and see in my other lectures to talking in front of the class, and asked for help. I regret that the language was rather terser than I normally would have used, but I was frustrated and tired of feeling like a puppy who hadn't been taken outside quickly enough and had just had her nose rubbed in it.
The one prof got back to me- he hadn't wanted to give me any of the student's email so I could identify him/her, but since I asked for it, he gave me quotes from it. Unfortunately, he was right. I can identify the Nasty-Gram writer by the section, and probably down to a handful of people that sit in the back row and never ask questions. He or she was pissed at me because I make them do their work on their own. I trust them to be smart enough to ask questions from each other and reason together to get an answer. If they ask me a question, I answer it with a question, not necessarily to confuse them, but to guide their thinking. THAT'S WHAT I'M BL***Y SUPPOSED TO DO!
I can identify the specific section, as well. It's my Tuesday lab. That one the lectures have been consistently worse than the Monday lab, simply because I hadn't given it yet, or had a chance to hear it given. I can identify the lab she was complaining about- there was a video we had to show, people were talking during the video, I got ticked off, so I didn't lecture. I just handed them the labs and let them go. About 15 minutes of confusion, after everyone learned the importance of paying attention, I gave mini-lectures to the groups on how to use the tide charts, and what they were looking for. It probably wasn't the best way to handle the situation, but I felt like I needed to do something. Of course, this was three weeks ago...
After I got the text of the email, I felt a little better, but that's like saying I'm the healthiest patient in the ICU. To get my mind off of it, I tried to work myself into not caring about it anymore.
I managed to succeed. The prospect of having my last quiz done early (and surprisingly not too difficult, despite how insulted I was at that lab section), and an eight page paper for my open channel hydro class finished almost two weeks early nearly outweighed the negative feelings from The Meeting.
Like I said, I just can't get the hang of Thursdays.
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Latest reply: Nov 18, 2005
Fuzzbutt on my desktop
Posted Nov 14, 2005
So, I downloaded this widget that let me view images from San Diego zoo's PandaCam
http://www.apple.com/downloads/dashboard/webcams/pandacam.html
The little fuzzbutt is so cute that I can't get any work done now!
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Latest reply: Nov 14, 2005
Too Much Information
Posted Nov 12, 2005
People seem to like to confide in me.
Not all of the stuff they confide is good.
This wouldn't normally be a problem... if I were on an ethical par with, say, Karl Rove.
But I'm not. And it's causing me stress because I'm not naturally a b!tch.
A girl comes into my class late with a smoothie and misses the lecture. I assume she got the smoothie on the way to class, and that's why she's late, so I dock her points. She comes up to me after and swears up and down that she was seeing a counsellor. I ask her for a letter, even an email from the counsellor she was seeing. She gives it to me, and I feel like 
for docking her points because it was a GRIEF counsellor. Her grandpa died. She gets full credit, as she well should. She tells someone, and the other guy who was late without an excuse comes up and demands to know why I re-graded her lab. I can't tell him why, except that there's a very good reason for it.
Another girl (same class) writes me the day before and tells me she has had a grand mal seizure. I give her ample time to get makeup work in. I then get flack about giving her extra time from one of the other students that missed class, and I can't tell them why, other than there's a very good reason for it.
A new grad student is foreign, and kind of strange in ways that can't be fully explained by the language barrier. I don't exactly open up to her, but she really wants to be my friend, and I kind of get cornered. I find out in the ensuing (rather one sided) conversation that she was in a horrible car accident last summer on her way to the entrance exams. She shouldn't be walking and talking according to the doctors that examined her. She's a year behind in the program because of it. We have to peer review each other's papers in class- fortunately, I get one copy of hers, and it's pretty bad. The next day, another newbie comes into my office. She's got the same paper, and she's ranting and raving about how bad it is- full of spelling errors and the concepts don't make sense. Says she doesn't belong in grad school. I know better, but I can't say anything, other than there's a good reason for why she acts the way she does, and why her writing skills aren't up to par.
I really don't mind that people confide in me. It feels good to be trusted.
I just wish they wouldn't confide in /only/ me.
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Latest reply: Nov 12, 2005
The Wonders of Being A Woman part deux: the interview
Posted Nov 2, 2005
Surprisingly, this isn't going to be about what the last one was about.
I had an interview for a summer internship this morning- pretty high-powered company, and I was trying to look my best. I picked a nice black skirt, a conservative shirt, and wore pantyhose.
Pantyhose- the work of the devil! Men are so lucky they don't have to deal with them!
Now, when I put them on this morning, they were brand new. Not a hole, not a string out of place. I walked to my office, no problems. An hour later, I walked downstairs, and sat outside the room waiting for the interview. As I was mentally reviewing seismic interpretations in my head, I felt something pop across my leg. I looked down.
There was a 5 cm wide hole in my pantyhose, stretching from about mid-thigh to mid-shin.
Just when there's no time for me to do anything about it! 
*Looks down at her knee, which has popped through the hole.*
On the plus side, if I didn't do well enough to get the internship (there's 26 for the whole country), I've at least got some positive interviewing experience for my next job! 
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Latest reply: Nov 2, 2005
The Wonders of Being A Woman
Posted Oct 31, 2005
Yeah, you know what this rant is going to be about, so all you men who don't want to hear it, you've got five seconds to unsubscribe.
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
OK- so as many of you know, I used to have nasty ovarian cysts that used to cause trips to the ER while I was doubled over in pain in the car, and one surgery. As a result of the last episode landing me a doctor that actually knew what he was doing, I'm taking a pleasant little pill that also happens to infuriate conservatives because it prevents pregnancy. My days are pain-free, my skin has never been clearer, I've lost weight (probably because I don't have a distended abdomen anymore) and I don't have PMS for a week.
Instead, I get my PMSing over with in a single day. This leads to some pretty wild mood swings. For instance, yesterday:
9 AM- wake up. Dance around room to Billy Joel.
10 AM- breakfast at Paneras. Huge line full of rude people. 
10:15- read paper. Smile at the Lions victory on Saturday.
10:30- coffee at Saints
11:00- try to call mom. Realize that she's not home. 
11:30- try to call grandparents. Realize they're not home.
11:45- finish with last number in friends list. Realize that either a) no one's home, or b) no one wants to talk to you.
12:00- make progress on paper.
12:30- spend an hour in the library doing a puzzle.
1:00- call mom again. Not home again.
1:30- Read Maureen Dowd article in Times. Feel somewhat cheated. 
2:00- vent to friends on Hootoo. 
2:30- make progress on paper
3:30- Friends on Hootoo make me feel better.
5:00- dinner at Wendys. Berate myself for not cooking.
6:00- finally get ahold of Mom. Am reminded that I'm not a horrible person.
8:00- Dude-man calls. We talk about enhanced reality systems
9:30- /Finally/ finish paper. 
9:45- Walk home to vocal accompaniment of a quartet of frat pledges. 
9:55- Realize I missed Desperate Housewives.
10:00- Grey's Anatomy
11:00- Grey's Anatomy was really sad.
11:10- Look in mirror. Consider breast reduction.
11:20- Realize what time of the month it is, and attribute roller coaster to hormone-induced mood swings.
11:22- Realize that I'm going to have at least another two days of this.
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Latest reply: Oct 31, 2005
Scandrea
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