h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There are things in my life that I do have control over: what I eat for breakfast. Which classes I take. What shirt I put on that morning. Whether I work on my honors project or for pay. There are many, many more things in my life that I do not have control over. Among these are my graduate school applications after they have been sent out, my advisor, and my mother.

I have an application for a fellowship due on Feb. 1. I asked my advisor to write a letter of recommendation for it, and he said it will be in my mailbox on Monday- it's something that I can walk over to where it needs to be. Well, my mom called this evening, and asked me if I had heard from any graduate schools.

"No mom, I won't hear until at least March."

"Oh." She sounded peeved here, "I thought you said after the fifteenth."

"No, that's when most of them are due. Now they sit and debate for three months about whether I'm qualified."

"What about that one fellowship?"

"I've got the application done and submitted, I'm just waiting on a letter of reference."

At this point, she made like Mt. St. Helens. I can't remember what all she said- half the time I held the phone away from my ear because I didn't really particularly feel like getting b!tched out. It was something to the effect of how I was lazy, how I should have had this in sooner, how I didn't really want it, etc. etc.

"Are you still there."

"Yes mom, I'm still here."

She keeps going, and I lose my temper.

"MOM! My part of it is done! I do not have any control over what Dr. Peck does!"

"Well, when I need something from someone, I keep after them!"

Yeah, well your someones don't have two Ghanain grad students that they have to keep an eye on five days a week. My feelings were really hurt, because I don't think she remembers what it was like to be a college student. I don't believe she knows what it's like to be doing a scientific research project, and I know that she doesn't have a clue what it's like to be applying for multiple graduate schools while taking classes- she did a distance learning thing, and wrote her thesis while she was pregnant with my brother! I mean, not that that's a bad thing, it's just that the situation I'm in is a lot more intense.

"So... what else is new."

"Nothing. Nothing else."

"So now you don't want to talk to me? All right- you go do what you want to do."

In the background, I could hear my dad asking what was wrong. He's a bit more understanding of not having control, because I don't think he's ever really had it. I'm sorry if I hurt my mom's feelings, but there are just some things I don't have control over in this world. I've learned to distinguish between the two, and she needs to.

Sometimes Moms can't help it

I know how you feel. I've been trying to get a part-time job for a while, so I submitted my crap CV (you call it a resumé) to a number of places advertising part-time positions and wait for them to call me back. so far, none of them have. According to my mom, I haven't been looking.

Also, if you keep calling someone every few days about whether they want to hire you, they will apparenlty not be annoyed at all, but will instead be impressed by your dedication and definitely hire you!

Hang in there, Scan!

I'm trying!

And I really do feel bad, but...

I'd offer to tell her where to get off, but that's more fun if it's your own mother

I feel bad about not being able to tell the truth to them without getting a lecture that makes me feel worse! TB, I'd love for you to be able to tell her where to get off, too!

When she starts on at you next time tell her you have to go because 1) you have a bath running 2)you have something on the stove/in the oven 3)there's someone at the door and hang up she may catch on, Excelsior hasn't yet I do it when he bangs on about his computer

Hmm.
If I were in such a situation I would point out to her that her that neither her agression nor her lecturing on subjects she has no understanding were not helpful and tell her that she call back when she is ready to listen, treat you with some respect and apologise.

Don't let her make you feel bad.

You could try that bit from Austin Powers where Dr Evil stops Scott from talking

What did he do? What did he do? What did he do?

All I can say is I still think you're awesome

Besides, when you have your pick of the litter it will now be that much sweeter.

Hang in there, Scandrea. It can be tough when parents want instant results.

Juast hang in there tinker, and just ignore your mum when she in this type of mood, just just nervious and worried! BUT! if you want to really wined her up, just menction you have a new job at the quicky-mart, and your going to run off with Apu, then slam the phone down, or say "i'm looking throught the window at you, ATM and i don't like what i see" and then listen to see if she turns around, (trust me you can hear this on the phone)

Allways a good one that

The Apu quickie mart thing would be good for a laugh!

But the Dr. Evil "shht!" thing, I dunno... I think if I did that, you'd be able to see the mushroom cloud from Brum.

Have you tried the "la la la, I'm not listening" aproach? Or you could get a phone that allows you to record a hold message and use the following "You have been put on hold untill such time as Andrea feels you may be capable of holding a rational conversation. Your call is important to us"

Hi, Scan,

One mushroom cloud seen in Brum There that didn't hurt did it

Ouch, Scan. I have been SO guilty of that in the past with my sons. You all go through so many hoops now, and it is hard for parents to understand. It is because we care (too much).

Things were so different years ago. Perhaps you can explain to her when she calms down, that having done what YOU have to do, you now have to wait for them to go through the rigmarole of procedures. Nothing you can say or do will make the answer come quicker, and you are just as frustrated as she is! In fact more so, and she is adding to the stress.

She obviously cannot see the stress bubbling under your calm exterior, and thinks you are not bothered

It will pass in time, trust me. I bet she is secretly so proud of you.

Websailor

Oh, I know they're proud of me! If they weren't, they wouldn't be footing as much of the bill for my education as they are!

You know, maybe it wouldn't hurt to let the stress show to them every now and again. And maybe the hold idea would work too!

Hi, Kaz,

Oh, dear, you and Scan do seem to be having it rough. It will pass. I don't envy anyone who applies for a job now, part time or otherwise. My son had a spell of it a while back and it is crazy. If you are lucky enough to get an interview, you are asked such daft questions. If you don't get an interview, you are VERY lucky if you get an acknowledgement of your application, and I am sure when they do pick someone it is for all the wrong reasons.

We used to start work at 16, stay in the same job for life, and our lives were mapped out for us from the word go, unless you happened to very clever. I was at a Grammer School but there was never any question of us going to University, perhaps FE college and straight to work.

We used to be able to ring up and ask for an interview, even knock on doors, or ask friends if there were any jobs going.
If you rang up to see if you had got the job, they were impressed with your enthusiasm.

Now you are seen as a worrier and obsessive!! You just can't win . I t is now so complicated and time wasting, that I am very thankful those days are over for me.

Well, actually they aren't! I am jumping through silly hoops just to get the Pensions my husband and I are entitled to , so I am still dealing with silly bureacracy.

Your Mom's just worried, that's all. with finding something.

Websailor

You can keep after someone to try to get your way, but then you would be hounding them and they would turn around and tell you to "piss off" for bothering them. Your mom has good intentions, but there is such a concept as PATIENCE, which (and I am not talking about you ) Americans do not fully understand.
You are doing the right thing by submitting your grad applications, being ASSERTIVE (not damned aggressive, there is a difference), and being PATIENT.

I wouldn't want to live in the United States. People down there in the United States (I am a Canadian living in the Great White North, but we do have civilization) are running themselves crazy and sick with their rushing, and pushing and impatience. Sure, the Americans accomplish things but they wear out their life in the process (they stress themselves to death), they wreck the surrounding environment, they suffer nervous breakdowns/cancer/nervous diseases, and they can't enjoy what they've earned because they are always rushing to get more.

Scandrea, don't let your mom make you run around reckless. I don't understand your relationship with her, but I do understand that her good intentions are misguided concerning you getting in Grad School. You have to be patient and wait for your efforts to bear fruitful results.