h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I stole this joke from a nice lady at church. I added a little bit to the punchline, so I feel like it is *my* joke now. Apologies in advance to all you Republicans out there! Here's the joke:

George Bush is alone at the White House one dark evening. The ghost of George Washington appears to him. Bush says, "Wow, George Washington! Tell me, how can I be a better President?" Washington replies, "Always tell the truth." Bush doesn't like this advice, so he goes to bed.

The next night, Bush is again alone, when the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Bush asks him, "How can I be a better President?" Thomas Jefferson replies, "Honor the spirit of the Constitution." Bush doesn't like this advice either.

The next night the ghostly apparition of Abraham Lincoln appears. Bush asks Lincoln, "How can I be a better President?" Lincoln replies, "Go see a play. Maybe a comedy." To which Bush says, "Finally, some advice I can take!"

Great Ellen, how've you been? Haven't talked for quite awhile.

I've been great Jazz. Went to an art gallery show of women's paintings and sculpture this weekend. It was really fun! They had drummers there, and then bellydancers. I liked seeing all the different art, there was a wide range of styles. I was sort of kicking myself though for not having any artwork finished that I could have entered myself.

Also saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That was a real trip, so funny and inventive!

How have you been doing Jazz?

JEllen

Oh I've been Ellen...seem to have made it through another winter, which in this neck-of-the-woods is a considerable accomplishment! Been doing my regular or fairly regular kitchen duties at the club, no shortage of good there. The musicians I've been most impressed with this month, are/were; a very talented young pianist/arranger/composer named David Braid http://www.davidbraid.com , Blues/Gospel songstress Ruthie Brown ( & her partner Cyd Cassone), & multi-instrumentalist named Mike Herriott http://www.mikeherriott.com . Actually, speaking of the club (& the city as a whole, I suppose) I was mentioning to abbi that we're hosting this year's Juno Awards - our equivalent of the Grammys - http://www.juno-awards.ca or http://www.junos.ctv.ca So this Fri. & Sat. are expected to be quite busy as we've got a varied lineup both nights...if you're interested, check the club's site: http://www.yardbirdsuite.com for more info.

Since i know zilch about American politics, i usually ignore any thread dealing with such stuff, but spotted the word "joke", can never resist!

I had to think about this long & hard & scrape the bottom of my history barrel, but finally i think I've got it!!!

So, it's a bit like Lenin warning "watch out for waiters bearing s"?

*waves at jazz; hey, made a great curry the other day, sorted out the from the s I can tell you!*

zdt

Hi Terri *waves frantically* actually made a fairly decent one too just the other day...although it could've used another Cayenne!

*sigh*

We could all use a spare Cayenne or two

zdt

How've you been Terri?

Well jazz, do you want the 200 page version or the one-liner?!

You give me yours & I'll give you mine!

zdt

Well, I'll settle for the one-liner, as long as it's honest.

I've been reasonably good, although I've picked up one of those miserable spring colds.

I've been up & down, very down at times, but picking up now; the cold has reached France too, but doesn't seem as bad as the last one!

Eating curry is apparently good for colds, gets the sinuses flowing & all that! (How pleasant!)

zdt

Ok cold, you've been warned - prepare to be assaulted with Large amounts of cayenne pepper & garlic!!! s to prepare a blisteringly hot curry...watch for the mushroom cloud!

*Explains joke for Terri and nonAmericans*

The main funny part of the joke is this: President Lincoln was assassinated at a play, so he is saying that the only way for Bush to be a better President is to be a dead one, ie, go to a play.

This other funny bit is that Bush is too dense to get this.

(I just said it was funny, I never said it was nice!)

JEllen

I thought that's what it was, hence the reference to Lenin, didn't he cop it whilst watching a play too, but with an ice-pick?

s off to brush up on history

zdt

The Ice-Pick was Leon Trotsky, who was assassinated whilst hiding out in Bolivia, I think.

Hence the line in 'No More Heroes' by The Stranglers:

'What ever happened to
Leon Trotsky
He got an ice pick
that made his ears burn'

That's the one!!! I was just hunting down my own Stranglers tape, well, i was close, Russian, begins with L....

zdt

And just to show that you Americans don't have a monopoly on daft politics, here's what's been happening in France lately:

Now the country has voted overwhelmingly that it would like the present government to go & take a running jump; the entire government resigned....then re-elected themselves straight afterwards!

The "fall guy" Raffarin, was sacked...then immediately reinstated!

A political correspondent had this to say:

<<<"If Chirac wants to continue with the reforms, it is better that they be done by Raffarin, who is already worn out and very unpopular. Nothing worse can happen to him.>>>



zdt

I'd have laughed sooner but I was pressed for time, and this got caught in my backlog. Can we post our political jokes here? If so, I'd better find one!

How about irreverent jokes? I've got a great one about nuns!

I think I've heard it, but go for it, so to speak...

Okay, if you insist curry! (And BTW, I LOVE curries, please visit my Uspace with recipes sometime, eh?)

A crowd of nuns are waiting in line to get into heaven, and St. Peter is taking roll call.

Due to overcrowding conditions in heaven, he's forced to give a questionaire, and dole out the appropriate acts of contirtion.

So, the first nun steps forward, St. Peter looks at his questionaire, and asks her her name. She replies, "Sister Agnes".

St Peter then asks her, "Sr Agnes, have you ever touched a penis?"
To which Sr Agnes replies. "Well, once, in pre-school, I plyed docotr, and touched a boy's penis with my hand".

St Peter tells her, "say ten Hail Marys, dip that hand in the holy water, and then ascend into heaven".

The next nun steps forward. The same thing happens, only this nun's response is that once, in high school, she engaged in heavy petting, and touched the boy's penis with both hands. St. Peter admonishes her to dip both hands in the holy water, and to say 20 Hail Marys.

Suddenly, a ruckus breaks out toward the back of the line. One particular nun is shoving the others, fighting her way to the front of the queue.

St Peter grabs her by the sleeve of her habit, and asks her her name. She replies, "Sr. Mary-Margaret",

St Peter askes her, "Sr Mary-Margaret, what you've just done id very un-Christianlike. What exactly is your problem?"

To which Sister Mary-Margaret replies,

"St Peter, if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water, I'm going to do so before Sister Agnes sticks her ass in it!"