h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Alex O

Kat

There is a man where I live who is married to himself.

He argues with his other half all day and all night long.

He keeps on threatening to divorce himself.

When he has fights with himself and the police come, they do not know who to arrest?


Kat

There is a man called "The 8 Alans of Ayr" he lives in a flat and in a house both at the same time in South Ayr.

He never agrees to do anything as he is always forever arguing with himself. He wanted to join h2g2 but the 7 would not agree.


Kat

I know a woman called Moira who lives in Maybole. She went to the Isle of Arran and got Lasser Swamp Fever.


Kat

Here are the famous 3 Brians:

Brian "the Royal Marine (born and brought up in Ayrshire (he has a London accent) Commando" of Ayr

Brian "Aye What's the Quote of the day/buzz word of the day" of Maybole

Brian "the Basking " of Ayr


Kat

I know a man who told me that a cart horse, camel, sheep, aries, sagitturians and capricorns are all related to each other.

Kat

Hi its Ms 'Oh me cramp, Ms 'Oh me cramp' I go to the doctors to get a perscription for tablets to give me cramp.

Ms 'Oh me cramp'

Kat

I have got hole in my packet of scones.

Kat

oh Kat, you are quite insane,
oh Kat, you puzzle my brian,
Oh Kat, multi-personality,
Will all of you marry me?

I hear a car, another car, another car, and another car, hang on, I can hear another car, and that is a bike, and that is another car, there do seem to be a lot of cars outside, probably because it is a road, though It might not be, though it be as such in this plane of reality, it is not necessarily the case that this plan of reality is plan or real, or indeed a thing, or something I think anyhow, that if I were to tip this cup of coffee on my head, I'd get wet hair... but I am a scientist, and I've made a hypothesis, perhaps I should test the hypothesis, or perhaps I should eat some toast, who knows, what, in teh globel and universal ebe and flow of things, difference would it make whatever desicions I made? would the wind still blow, would the sun still set in the west, and would that piece of fluff remain on teh carpet for eternity, I do not know and I fear that the answer would void the question, whatever the question was, i can't remember, or can i? have i hidden teh question deep in my subconsciouness, is it as I type burrowing deep into my mind, like a brain worm searching out sustanance from teh white and gray matter of my hypocampus, would I know if It did, and would it know if it did what it did for the results weather they exist or not of the coffee experiment, or is it in some small way intrinsically linked with the fluff on teh carpet, or indeed, did the cars, in their passage down the road that I think exists indeed sustain its own existance beyond that which in the universality of the whole sort of whatsisit, created the sand which apon the beech ebs and flows with the tides, giving an eternal recognition of the son of the earth, the earths own daughter, the moon, for was it not the case that the fluff remains? I think so, but I do not know why I think so, and indeed if I did say so I might say so and I think that indeed I did say so, and so I said that which I said, and it increased forever the fluff, the road, the moon and the sun, for the sands of time, are fickle at best, and do march against us, onwards, downwards, and upwards, and backwards, and Edwards trousers have split, and the crows do circle the shoes of life, as they walk apon teh beech of sand and a moon of reflective sensibilities does indeed cast apon it the light it reflects from teh sun, and in its circular motion, the sissors cut, again and again, and the trousers are no good, for though there may be moonlight, there is no trousers, and the madness does it self grow, like a tree of backed bean tins, and even if I do say so, for i do say so and indeed I did say so or so I think i did say so, maybe.

Alex O

Kat

My name is Poor Wee Soul and I come from the Isle of Mull. I do not say much but I always fine at Ceildhs.

Kat

Can I marry one of your other personalities?

2 Legs


Kat

I dreamt last night I made the first warp drive flight.

Kat

He wooed you with his nonsense,
He wooed you with his lies,
I knew your alter egos would,
Have eyes for other guys.

I am now broken hearted,
You promised yourselves to me,
And if I cannot have you all,
I no longer want to be.

Don't look for me in Essex,
For I will not be there,
If you want me, just dredge out,
The Thames Barrierre.

(P.S. can anyone lend me a fiver for petrol?)

Ahhh.... Nonsense. It's so refreshing to read without having to process.

Oh. Here's the fiver. Just don't use it to get to the Thames or we would lose a fun poet.

Wedding bells ring, ding a ling ding, a ding a ding a ring ding dong ding Toto Moto will conduct the ceramony and Egg and Tomato fruit sandwichs shall we eat, and I might wash my feet, I did it again... I should really try to remember that washing my feet using a pair of sheres isn't a very good idea... some people, they never lurn, I don't, I leap instead.
Very satisfying activity leaping, only the other day I traveled to Harwich, and leapt for quite some time on and off the boats and ships, untill the port peoples arrested me, they just didn't understand, I said I was leaping, and asked them what they thought of my leaping, and they just called me loopy.. and then they were really nasty, and pulled out my toenails and set fire to my paintbrush, I don't understand why....
Not like when I went to London, very nice there, one man, in a funny big hat let me leap over him several times. Before he shot me.
Then offered me food, beef I think, but when I said yes, they only took me to a big dark room and locked me in... good job I could leap, and had been practising, I leapt out, and landed in the river, that wasn't so good actually. Hang on now i think of it most of my leaping has got me in trubble... its a bit like learning, or not learning in that respect at least then... I might leap up the staircase in a moment, I did it earlier, it is fairly good, but it is always better to leap somewhere new, though they've banned me from teh sports centre now in town, apparently it is 'dangerous' leaping over the equipment.. I say, what do they know, I mean, 'danger', 'danger', I ask you, well, I asked them as well, obviously, but they didn't make much sense either, I asked them, 'how can you say its dangerous, when you yourself have never leapt over a moving cyclist/?', thats when they called the police, apparently the kid had fallen off his bike the time I did that... not my fault, he should have been paying attention to teh road, not my marvelous leaping techniques... and they didn't even have any egg and tomato sandwichs... no egg and tomato sandwichs, who are they kidding, I mean, like, you know, even that time I went to Leeds I could buy egga nd tomato sandwichs, I did some good leaping in Leeds too actually, that was fun, well it was fun right up untill I did my first leap, and twisted my ankle ona rather annoying step, bit of a mistake really, but no problem, see, I don't lurn by my mistakes, so I can have fun all over again in the future some time by repeating the mistake, and all the other mistakes I've made whilst leaping...

Hi Hermi, long time no sqwark (whatever happened to Homer?).

Thanx for the fiver I will use it for self improvement, not self destruction. And as for the wedding, 2legs may take the blushing bride (and her plethora of personalities) down the aisle, I'll be happy for them.
(Why does he call himself 2legs, that isn't unusual)
(2foot, that would be better)
(or boasting)

Off now to spend your fiver on catnip and jam sandwiches,

Love ya

AlexoOo

When my psychiatrist went insane,
Only six of my multiple personalities
Were cured.
The rest of us want our money back.