Journal Entries
Couldn't Make It Up
Posted Sep 15, 2006
South Yorkshire homeowners have long lived in fear of today's revelations. The BBC, bless her, has discovered Rawmarsh. I don't suppose I'll ever be able to afford a house-move now.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/south_yorkshire/5349392.stm
The locals have been feeding their progeny through a gap in the school-fence. The healthy fare nowadays proffered by the education service is apparently not to the childrens' taste. I don't suppose Jamie Oliver has ever been to Rawmarsh. He'd probably get eaten if he tried. Deep fried, almost certainly.
Fish and chips ferried in via the cemetery next door is leaving Auntie's various reporters in a traumatized daze. Broadcasting's finest have stumbled upon a veritable affront to civilisation here. It's more shocking than a rabid Pope, or an everyday case of an American President advocating torture.
Did anyone hear the woman they interviewed at the end of PM on Radio 4? Poor old Carolyn Quinn is probably still scrubbing herself with disinfectant under a hot shower. For the first few seconds, CQ managed to contain her reaction at the level of incredulous horror, but by the end she seemed to have lost all hope for humanity. This is going to put pounds on the Licence Fee, just to pay for all that counselling.
I liked the bit where the local woman said it was OK because the kids would all go home to a proper cooked meal. There was one of those hive-resonance moments when me and twenty thousand other listeners all went 'Yeah, right'.
The next village up the road's called Greaseborough, incidentally, which at least tells people what to expect. I've a mate there, who says all the actors in The Full Monty were too posh, and who deplores the liberal attitude to immigrants that he's discerned in the people of Barnsley. I somehow can't see even him thinking that the Rawmarsh parents have done the region proud, though.
Never mind, Jamie. They're probably pretty close to the five pieces of fruit and veg a day. I know you didn't mean it as an intake for the whole town, but hey, you've got to start somewhere.
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Latest reply: Sep 15, 2006
Humour me, yeah?
Posted Sep 5, 2006
It's my birthday. I finally got my iPod (thanks, girls).
If you find this Entry, please suggest a song I can put on it. It would be nice to have a collection of songs that mark hootoo friends.
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(49, since you ask. Makes it a last year of youth, in my twisted frame of reference anyhow. Next year I guess I'll shift the bar to 60, but I don't want to think about that right now)
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Latest reply: Sep 5, 2006
Week Out
Posted Aug 20, 2006
I'm off-line for a week. Probably back Tuesday 29th.
Just a nice little break with the family. No computers allowed.
Ahh
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Latest reply: Aug 20, 2006
It’s an Ill Wind…
Posted Aug 13, 2006
The Home Office
Whitehall
Dear Dr Reid
I think I have the answer to your airline terrorism problem. I’ve been working for several hours now on a little idea whose time has come.
People only blow up aeroplanes if they stay awake on them. But who wants to stay awake on an aeroplane anyway? Pinniped Enterprises’ solution is too anaesthetise all the passengers for the duration of the flight.
Brilliant idea, don’t you think? Well, all you have to do to make it happen, and so make your job a whole lot easier, is to ease all the necessary changes to livestock transportation legislation, Human Rights law etc through Parliament.
Looking forward to working with you. I’ll be able to afford a healthy contribution to party coffers if this comes off, so see you in the House of Lords sometime, yeah? (Nudge, nudge)
Yours truly,
Pinniped
Discuss this Journal entry [35]
Latest reply: Aug 13, 2006
Ker-pow!!!
Posted Jul 30, 2006
Just a very quick note to say I've re-enacted my almost supernatural ability to blow up computers.
This time, there was no more than a feeble fizzling sound for two seconds, followed by a 'phut'. There are no scorch-marks on the wall and there was no discernible smell of burning.
In spite of this rather unsatisfactory mode of failure, the gentleman who regrets giving me a warranty can't get me a relacement till Wednesday, so it'll be no more than the occasional frustrated poke at the iPAQ till then. Unless one of the pups donates their machine, that is, which might yet happen since their alternative is my company.
See you around, then, mid-weekish.
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Discuss this Journal entry [30]
Latest reply: Jul 30, 2006
Pinniped
Researcher U183682
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