h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

On the eve of the Pope’s visit to Britain, we’ve managed a bit of a scoop. Pinniped interviews someone who’s got plenty to say on the matter, but hasn’t been heard from for quite a long time.

JESUS CHRIST: Actually that’s a bit unfair. Anyone who wants to hear from me can do so any time. That’s the way it works, remember?

PINNIPED: Sorry Christ. Is it OK if I call you Christ? Or Son of God? Son of Man?

JESUS CHRIST: Call me Jesus. Less formal. Incidentally, I never quite understood that Son of Man one. It’s basically inaccurate.

PINNIPED: So You truly are the Son of God?

JESUS CHRIST: Well, duh. You have read the notes, I take it? I can pull my shirt up and show you the hole if you like.

PINNIPED: Err...no thanks. That would be a Yes then?

JESUS CHRIST: Hes’ my dad, yeah.

PINNIPED: And do You Two get on? I mean, do You agree with Your old man about stuff?

JESUS CHRIST: Mostly we do. We have our differences, like all families. I always try to remember that he’s an older father and so some of his ideas are a bit traditional. He tends to stress the judgemental side a bit too much sometimes.

PINNIPED: Whereas You do forgiveness, right?

JESUS CHRIST: You wish. I try to give the flock some latitude, but the unconditional forgiveness bit is very much church teaching. They tend to think the deal is hard to sell otherwise.

PINNIPED (hesitates): We might come back to that...Can I ask you what you think of the Pope?

JESUS CHRIST: He’s OK. Maybe not the best one we’ve ever had.

PINNIPED: Are you concerned about the standing of the Church, what with molesting children and the like?

JESUS CHRIST: Of course I’m concerned. That’s totally opposite to what we started out to do. On the other hand, a fresh start is due. Decadence and corruption of the message invites it.

PINNIPED: You mean the Second Coming?

JESUS CHRIST: I’m here, aren’t I?

PINNIPED (somewhat stunned): But that’s a bit low key, isn’t it?
Showing up in some obscure corner of the internet?

JESUS CHRIST: It’s the way I like it. Last time, it was me who wanted the stable. Dad insisted on the star and the heavenly host and all that stuff.

PINNIPED: So what happens next?

JESUS CHRIST: You mean dad’s publicity stunt? I really don’t know. He’s always overworking the global catastrophe thing. I’ve told him dozens of times: the flock aren’t getting earthquakes and stuff any more. He’ll probably stick to habit though. California will probably slide into the sea, or half of humanity will die of some new plague or something.

PINNIPED: Ri-ight. I was really meaning to ask what You plan to do Yourself, only maybe God’s bit might actually be more important...

JESUS CHRIST (impatiently): Don’t say that. He’s always listening, you know. It’s hard enough keeping this brand on track without some interfering old git in a bedsheet destroying huge tracts of the marketplace on a whim every forty years.

PINNIPED: Yeah. I’ve noticed there’s a bit of a forty-year thing going on. But didn’t You say that You and God get on?

JESUS CHRIST: You just forget what I said. I’ve decided this interview is over. I’m off to rethink. I’ll be back. Don’t you dare publish this or you’re toast, understand?

PINNIPED: Can’t I say anything about the Pope then?

JESUS CHRIST: You can say what the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] you like, as long as you don’t quote me.

PINNIPED: Whatever You say, Lord. Please don’t take the microphone with You. They’re expensive...

We *really* need a smiley

Oh my, Pin. That was just what I needed this morning.