h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

That Shazz woman needs some competition. The Post is a comfortable middle-class rag that skirts the issues
What we need is a NEWspaper that issues the skirts.
Check out the following clippings from the soon-to-be world-dominant Daily Horn. Watch out Piers Morgan!

Horn readers will be shocked by goings-on in Dagenham, where local resident Derek Feeble said he was attracted to the nipples of 3-year old local bitch Jessie.
The shocking incident took place in the public bar of the Heaving Collier in Nirvana Street. Reporters are keeping an up-to-the-minute vigil.
Publican Geoff Smugg would not elaborate on the alleged gestures.
Professor Cecil Bynde-Weede of the University of Drabcaster said the omission of apostrophes in such cases is now rife.
Jessie, 3, lives at the off-licence. She was unavailable for comment.

The Horn today publishes exclusive photographs proving that the Salvation Army resorted to miming at their recent Chigwell concert.
In Tomorrow’s Horn : The So-Called ‘Barmy Army’ – we expose accounting professionals among their ranks.

Visually-impaired local beauty Raquel Smugg suffered horrific injuries in a shocking food-processor incident last week said her manicurist, local beautician Chloe Sprout, 19.
A Curry’s spokesman warned that plain-coloured kitchen appliances pose a grim threat to persons of restricted eyesight. The Horn has learned that one hundred percent of Essex poodle-drying mishaps reported in 1997 involved white microwaves.
(The Horn apologises for printing a photograph of Raquel’s twin sister Brigitte in yesterday’s edition. A distressed Chloe has asked us to point out that Raquel has recently had her roots done).

You are

Great job, keep up the good work

We need a tabloid to keep Shazz and the rest on their toes.

F S

I don't think you can keep it up.

Rumour has it that the Lady of Shallot, Fish boy, the seal and the blonde bitch will shortly be seen together in a well known London park. I cannot disclose my source but watch this space!

Local seal Pinniped, 4, today caved in under savage criticism from half of our readership, admitting that he is having difficulty 'keeping it up'.
'The Blander-Blender thing is probably unsustainable', confessed the foul creature. 'I peaked too soon'.
Pinniped suggested that he might try spin this idea out by continuing to post in a mock-tabloid format.
The Horn says : Pack it in now, you pathetic specimen. You're not amusing anyone.
Honestly, there's funnier stuff in Ask h2g2...

Oh wow. Make that a third of our readership.

Pin (suddenly upright, so to speak)

Well not so hot any more if the tabloid is to fold. Just when I'd commandeered (sp) the gossip column!

Who said anything about folding?

Now that I've got a columnist, anything is possible!

(You don't want paying, do you? )

Good...now how about a nice expose on tr's less wholesome habits?

Pin (settling back in the Editor's chair)

In a shocking move, the East Earwig Illiteracy Council has
passed a motion that clearly states that if all differently-abled
individuals cannot access gossip, extravagant claims and quastionable
journalism, then the true sense of community will be voided.
The Daily Horn has been hit with a supoena
to show due cause why it hasn't met with the new guidelines,
which were printed on a milk carton last July.
Lawyers for the Daily Horn have refused to comment, as they
haven't a BSL interpreter on staff who cannot read.

OK but we so need a sub. Suggest you start advertising the post er, horn. Meanwhile off to check on the fish boy. Doing a collaborative expose with TLOS this weekend so next week's column will sizzle!

"Good...now how about a nice expose on tr's less wholesome habits?"

Long, lissome, clearly at an advantage Dr. Tonsil Revenge,
in a candlelight supper interview at his gatekeepers lodge in
Upper Thong, was evasive about his collection of dried mucous
on the underside of most of the tables in the shire.

"Look, he said,"It's a Protected Historical Treasure", according to
the documents I had printed up by my lawyer. "These moralistic sots are in league with the nose tissue manufacturers and that's why they are out to get me.

Oh wow. This is so-o-o authentic!

I'm a Press Baron !!!

(you don't believe me? Press this!)

...as I was saying, I'm a Press Baron. I can even fall off a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean and just swim home!

Hah! Eat your heart out, Murdoch...

Pin (resolves to grow the readership a bit and then bring down a few Governments)

Seal thinks ?
'thinks' Why not?
Many later.

Y'all are crazy.

Hey Ed! Think we've found a sub!

No thanks. The sheep is dirty enough without wedging himself into a Tabloid.

Reading it - well that's a different story... I encourage you to put this into an entry. I mean, how many people like the seal enough to have him on the friends list, eh?

STOP PRESS
The barely erected sub editor of the Daily Horn was forced to resign after it was discovered that he had been secretly working for a rival newspaper and had not declared his full assets. The shock waves rippled through Fleet street and caused several well known female journalists to cancel their appearances on early morning television shows. Their publicists cited 'a bad hair day' as the reason.