h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For those of you just tuning in, the breaking news story is the end of all economic activity worldwide.

The collapse of global financial systems appears to have been caused by this afternoon's shock announcement that America does not have an economy.

We're hoping to go over to the US Federal Reserve, where in an impromptu speech the Chairman has just admitted that the non-existence of a US economy has been a closely-kept secret for many years.

In the time-honoured tradition of the BBC, this broadcast will continue indefinitely until somebody pulls the plug somewhere. There's no longer any money to pay for the electricity, of course. And in case you ingrates haven't realised, I'm now doing this for free...

Reports are coming in that the non-existence of the US economy was first exposed yesterday, by a schoolchild in Oklahoma. Attempts to deny the rumour were abandoned some hours later amid mounting panic. The New York Stock Exchange has now been suspended after the Dow Jones fell below three earlier this afternoon.

We're now going over to young what’s-his-name who wears the sharp shirts. He’s in Washington, where he's been listening to the speech by whoever it was that replaced the bloke I get confused with Norman Greenbaum.

Yes, Jeremy. I can confirm that Ben Bernanke has apologised to the American nation, adding that it's all a load off his mind, really. At least they wouldn’t have to get Greenspan back in to tell yet another incoming President that there was nothing to Preside over. Bernanke explained that all Presidents since Eisenhower were appraised of the situation within hours of their inauguration, and all but a couple 'appeared to get it'. Mr Bernanke now says he's looking forward to spending more time with Mrs Bernanke and all the little Bernankes.

We're now going live to Downing Street, where that unmemorable guy who's been standing there since Andrew Marr went off has just interviewed the Prime Minister.

Well, Jeremy. Mr Blair said that he doesn't intend to resign. He mentioned repeatedly that he is forthright on this point. He added that if we're now going to descend into ungovernable anarchy, then we've all got to try and make sure it’s an ungovernable anarchy based on mutual respect.

I'm now going to interview some minor official from the Treasury about the crisis. This woman with the funny eyebrows, presumably. Well, you, are you going to tell us what the Hell's going on here?

Certainly, Jeremy. On behalf of the Government, I'd like to stress that this is an unprecedented and unforeseen situation, which, even if it could have been foreseen, which it couldn't, would still have been unforeseeable, and indeed it was...

I'msorry(not)tohavetointerruptyoubutwe'regoinglivetoWashingtonwherethePresidentismakingastatement...

My Flarramurrigans...it is with true regret that I must verificate the existencelessness of our beloved economy. I want to stress at this sad time that the bank did not lose all your money. Nor did your money suddenly lose all its value. Rather, we've found out that it never had any value, which means that you are now legally liable to pay us back in kind for everything you've ever bought. In view of this, I command you to keep doing whatever it is you do, even though you will no longer get paid, and to keep on doing so even unto the Seventh Generation, and to bow down before Me and before God, and...BANG

Ohmygod. The President has been shot!

Has he really? Well, we'll come back to that after the weather if we have time. But first, over to that slouching bald bloke with the man-breasts, for the shock news that the ECB has decided to suspend first-class cricket until further notice.

Suspend Cricket?

Well, I was going to say 'FABULOUS!' until I realized that 'FABULOUS' describes something 'of an incredible, astonishing, or exaggerated nature' (viz. Mirriam Webster) -- three characteristics this obviously verbatim transcription clearly does not possess.

Therefore, I'll say 'BRILLIANT!' and hope that expresses my delight (and shuddering, deep-seated fear that it's all true!) with this episodic comedy-drama.

A work of genius worthy of H.G. Wells (or George Orwell) (or, well, an oracle by any other name).


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We were going to go over to our Florida correspondent, but he's a little flaky and seems to have expectorated over the camera lens.

So we're going to try some fellow in Krakow, who was apparently deported from the US recently. Well then, whoever you are. What have the Poles got to say for themselves?

There is an interesting story about the deported Pole, Pin. According to reliable sources, a wiretap authorized by the President revealed that Vladimir Wozjeczwckitiz, known during the Solidarity Uprising as Arnold Flavonoid, once built a tracking devise out of genuine GM parts which he attached to the underside of a troop transport headed for Austriam never dreaming that the potato latkes his beloved Helga had packed for his supper would be taken by Hans Fredrick Dooblefus on a triple dog dare from Wilhelm Huffenpuff. He was enraged and saddened since Helga choked on a carp bone and died that very day, making it impossible for him to ever eat her potato latkes again.

It is believed that this dissatisfaction was the beginning of a downward spiral which ended with yesterday's shooting of the President. Back to you Martin.

We take you now to Chaaswittchka County, Florida, scene of the shooting, where the man with the incredibly bad hairpiece is interviewing the Sherriff,

Sherriff, can you tell us why it took two days to send a Deputy to interview the shooter and witnesses in his hunting party?

We were told that the shooter needed time to sober up.

What happen then, exactly?

Apparently the President had the bad luck to be dressed in a quail costume for his radio address.

Was this an accidental shooting then?

We believe that’s the case. We are sure that there was only one shooter and no conspiracy. The multiple entrance wounds result from birdshot ricochets.

Over to you Roland.