Journal Entries
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Posted Dec 10, 2001
Amusingly enough, I have an urge to write. Yet I have little to say. Life is slow. I work. I have heard heard nothing from the colleges I applied to and I feel as if time is running out. It appears that I will be unable to go to school in January. I have little else to say about that.
Girls...well...they are there. Just not the one I want. There is always something lacking in the girls that I meet. After one or two conversations, I have no desire to speak to them much, they are...lacking. Not enough attitude. Among other things. Ah well. I always have my roller skates. After all, I still am the reigning king of kiddie land.
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Latest reply: Dec 10, 2001
CRackheads and Nazis
Posted Oct 30, 2001
To try to explain what God does in my life to a nonbeliever is near impossible. I understand for I spent much of my life as a nonbeliever. A devout antichristian. I wish there were things I could say to make the nonbelievers I care about want to know more. However, all I can do is tell the truth, and pray. I wish those that didnt believe would at least be open to it, after all, its only because I care. Nonchristians often fail to understand why Christians are so persistant. Its because the point of Christianity is centered on principles of love and being better than human nature allows. Its about living for something other than selfish desires. Its about loving your fellow man, and being better than the average person. Its about love, true love. Love without God is not true. Why? If love comes from man and man alone it is not pure. Also it is temporary. God is perfect, therefore love from God is perfect. God is eternal, therefore love through God is eternal. That is how I stuck it through with Jerelyn for so long. Even though my walk was not pure, I belonged to Christ at the time. My example for love was set 2000 years ago when Christ sacrificed himself for us. Love that I feel follows an example set by God. But this is more complicated than I can write at this moment because I am tired.
Why do nonchristians not care? Why did I not care? I have always sought the truth. I thought the truth lied it what was substatial, thought I longed for this world to be more than just what it appeared. Thats a long story though, and for another time.
Heres a moment of confusion. First, Im infamous. Then Im a bible nazi. Next what we shared is not considered a fond memory. Then she tells me shes felt sad when she read the emails I sent her. Now why is she sad? Crackhead girl. Shes lucky I like her.
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Latest reply: Oct 30, 2001
Faded lipstick on a car window...
Posted Oct 11, 2001
It has been a month. A month since I last saw her. More than a month since I kissed her. More than a month since I smelled her. Almost a month since she told me that we could be only friends. I am no longer pained. I am at peace. I, have, in a sense, moved on. Moved on, in the sense, that I do not think of her as often as I did. Moved on, in the sense, that I do not feel a severe twang of heartache everytime I see something that reminds me of her. Moved on, in the sense, that I do not see things that remind me of her everywhere I look. Yet, I have dated no one. I have gotten no numbers. I have not even made an effort to even 'get to know' someone. I have no desire to. Why? That is not in my nature. I am, and always have been, called, "friendly" to members of the female persuasion. So why do I stand idle? I have met a few girls that normally would catch my eye. They do, kinda. Some of them are even legal. I just have little interest. I know that God will put someone in my life when I am ready for it. If I were to date any of the girls that I have met, my focus would shift. I know that. I am not spirtually able to date any of them. But I am not bothered by this.
I wrote often of love. It is easy for me to refuse the charms of said females because of love. When I thought that I was going to see Jerelyn last Friday, my heart pounded in my chest. I was excited, and scared. Looking back, I can say that I was 'played'. Not neccessarily intentionally. But played nonetheless. I am not claiming regret. Just stating the facts. I suppose I could have seen it. I said that there were things that I would not tolerate in the beginning. By the end, I not only tolerated them, but accepted them. I read her journals on the internet, at first thinking that she was happy, she sounded like it, proclaiming that he had her heart. I realized that nothing I did could compare to the things he did. I came to the conclusion that I only filled the holes that he did not, but when he began to fill them, I was not needed. Well, partially at least. But I read her journals now, and it sounds like her happiness is on again-off again. She said herself, she hates him one day, loves him the next. But she also said that shes like that towards everybody. However, I never got that impression from her when I was with her. Not until the end at least. I still believe that he can not love her like I can. Isnt that funny? To say that my heart still is hers is mostly true. I am amused by this. Sometimes, I wonder if she misses me. Not as a friend. But more. She maintained that she cared for me more than a friend, and often seemed to confirm it with actions. But just as much, she contradicted it. Yet I still love, as much as I did when I said it. My love is different from the boy's love. But thats for later (when I have more time). She is always in my prayers, and amusingly enough, so is the Canadian kid. Love is a funny thing.
The lipstick is still there. Not Leanne's. Just Jerelyn's. But only when the light hits it just right. It's got a bittersweet kinda humor to it.
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Latest reply: Oct 11, 2001
Praise and Worship
Posted Oct 3, 2001
In the beginning with my walk with Christ, I was led off track. Since then, I've wavered back and forth. At times, my steps crossed the right path. But never for long. But now, I want to do the right thing. Continuing where I started out. Just letting go of the world is hard. The rest is in His hands. I am holding on to the world by a thread, and every day, that thread withers more and more. And my soul rejoices.
The Heart of Worship (Matt Redmond)
When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart
I bring you more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what you have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus
King of endless worth
No one could express
How much you deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is yours
Every single breath
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Latest reply: Oct 3, 2001
Faith
Posted Oct 2, 2001
My faith. Is funny. I am a creature of thought, not belief. I have a hard time giving things over. Letting a higher power rule. I want to. I do. Because my life, even as a child, had been plauged with a search for the meaning of life. Why we are here. The truth. I know the truth. I found it. I accepted it. But I don't live it. I want to, kinda. But then I want to be in control. But to be a better man, to be a better human, a step above the rest, truly the next step in the evolution of mankind. I believe that we can no longer grow physically, but only morally, spiritually. Why are we here? What makes life worth living? The short lived pleasures that leave us empty? The things that we do over and over again because we think they provide joy. They do, kinda. For a short time. Thats why we do them habitually, because if we stop, the joy stops. But to know joy that is always there. Things that make you happy when you are just there. That make you happy to be alive. Love is one thing. And love that lasts comes from one place. There is a peace that can be known if I just let it come. And I will. I met someone once. I thought to myself, when I first met this person, that I would love to bring this person to church, to share the peace. But my friend really didnt want to go, so I never pushed it. And when she stepped out of my life I realized that I made a mistake. I belong to God. And the mistakes I make come back to haunt me. I have to put God first. I messed up but Im walking the way I should. I am still me. But the actions that I do, that I shouldnt, I dont want them anymore. I dont need them to be truly happy. I need one thing. And that one thing has to be first in me life, or there is no hope for me.
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Latest reply: Oct 2, 2001
terminalfrost
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