h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It has been a month. A month since I last saw her. More than a month since I kissed her. More than a month since I smelled her. Almost a month since she told me that we could be only friends. I am no longer pained. I am at peace. I, have, in a sense, moved on. Moved on, in the sense, that I do not think of her as often as I did. Moved on, in the sense, that I do not feel a severe twang of heartache everytime I see something that reminds me of her. Moved on, in the sense, that I do not see things that remind me of her everywhere I look. Yet, I have dated no one. I have gotten no numbers. I have not even made an effort to even 'get to know' someone. I have no desire to. Why? That is not in my nature. I am, and always have been, called, "friendly" to members of the female persuasion. So why do I stand idle? I have met a few girls that normally would catch my eye. They do, kinda. Some of them are even legal. I just have little interest. I know that God will put someone in my life when I am ready for it. If I were to date any of the girls that I have met, my focus would shift. I know that. I am not spirtually able to date any of them. But I am not bothered by this.

I wrote often of love. It is easy for me to refuse the charms of said females because of love. When I thought that I was going to see Jerelyn last Friday, my heart pounded in my chest. I was excited, and scared. Looking back, I can say that I was 'played'. Not neccessarily intentionally. But played nonetheless. I am not claiming regret. Just stating the facts. I suppose I could have seen it. I said that there were things that I would not tolerate in the beginning. By the end, I not only tolerated them, but accepted them. I read her journals on the internet, at first thinking that she was happy, she sounded like it, proclaiming that he had her heart. I realized that nothing I did could compare to the things he did. I came to the conclusion that I only filled the holes that he did not, but when he began to fill them, I was not needed. Well, partially at least. But I read her journals now, and it sounds like her happiness is on again-off again. She said herself, she hates him one day, loves him the next. But she also said that shes like that towards everybody. However, I never got that impression from her when I was with her. Not until the end at least. I still believe that he can not love her like I can. Isnt that funny? To say that my heart still is hers is mostly true. I am amused by this. Sometimes, I wonder if she misses me. Not as a friend. But more. She maintained that she cared for me more than a friend, and often seemed to confirm it with actions. But just as much, she contradicted it. Yet I still love, as much as I did when I said it. My love is different from the boy's love. But thats for later (when I have more time). She is always in my prayers, and amusingly enough, so is the Canadian kid. Love is a funny thing.

The lipstick is still there. Not Leanne's. Just Jerelyn's. But only when the light hits it just right. It's got a bittersweet kinda humor to it.

what exactly are you saying? That you think you were played, i mean i guess i can't say you weren't. But part of the game was your willingness to play, i did what felt right at the time, as did you. I'm sorryif you now feel that i 'played' you. I had no intentions that compare to that. I only hope that we can maintain a friendship,even though i never see you, one day maybe...if your lucky!

What am I saying?
Whatever is written I suppose
If I am lucky?
HA!
No comment on that one

well it doesn't matter to me, obvioulsy you wouldn't have written something like that i you had no intentions of me, reading it. so whatever.

Dude you need to relax
I wrote on here before you started reading it
and I dont write for your benefit
i just dont mind if you read it
i wrote my thoughts
thats all
i harbor no hard feelings towards you
and i think every time i write something you take it weird
whats really going on?
yoyoyoyoyoyoo

yes, i could give two tremendous s**ts what you write about. But when you are writing about me...hmmm. If i wrote about you...hmm? which we both know i dont. I was just asking a question maybe your the one who needs to take some paxil, i dont know. All i know you as now is a name on a computer, so why does it matter if i "relax" or not, its' not like it will affect your day. Just keep walking the path of god and maybe you'll get somewhere real, instead of the fake places you take yourself in your mind.

yo im sorry that i have set you off; it is difficult to really express what i am saying over the internet, i meant nothing negative towards you, and i really am sorry
what fake places?
anyway i just wrote what popped out of my head, and it does matter if you 'relax' because i dont want you to take what i say the wrong way, which i figured you did,
whats paxil
what if you wrote about me?
did my writing about you have some tremendous effect on you?
i just wrote
thats it
so
im sorry that i did/said whatever it was to irritate you
and
yeah

i'm not irritated how could i be irritated with someone that isnt even really there. I just didnt like the fact that you told me to relax...who cares..how can you tell what my facial expression is like if you can't even hear me or see me...

I am here just as much as you want me here.
If you need something, Ill do all I can to give it to you. And I told you to relax,(maybe it was an ill advised choice of words) because you sounded like you were getting upset.

upset about what?....i don't need anything from you, and i did want a friendship but you are too sideways....you have completely changed from...passive about religion to a crazy prophet. I dont understand, im not saying believing in god or even in something is bad, it's just one day you really didn't care and then the very next day you had this strangs sort of transformation into a bible nazi...

Bible Nazi? How have I become a bible nazi? Crazy prophet? What have I done to make you say this? And it was important to me at first. But gradually, I ceased to care. And I went back to church just to socialize. But as I went, I realized what was important. Its all or nothing with Christianity. And I want to give it my all. But i am no different. My behavior is different. But my personality is still the same. but better.
Bible nazi?
Crazy prophet?
I have dont no preaching. I have said only that I have found a path, that I want to walk. That I am living for something better. I said that I prayed for you. Where are you getting bible nazi from? And also you never did tell me what was fake in my head.

who cares? oh well. i don't care whatyou believe its you not me...you are fake. You seem to be able to conform to anything right away

How can you judge without knowing the story? What have I conformed to? How can I say I believe in something, and only do it halfway? If I did that, I would be a hypocrite. I believed before I met you, I believed the entire time we saw each other. But I quit caring. Some point along the way I just quit caring about God. And I was happy. But I realized that such happiness is only temporary. Because the things that were making me happy were temporary. In actuality, I had the illusion of being happy. Because I was lying to myself about it. Sure, I had a great time when I was drunk. But I always felt like crap the next morning. And I wasnt me anyway. After you told me what you wanted, I had to drill. If I hadnt, I know Id most likely still be drunk. I went to church sunday night after I got back. Because I had to get out of the house. I wasnt on my knees praying for forgiveness and all that other stuff. I was just there. But I spent a lot of time with David. And we would pray. And one night, I realized that the life I had was not fulfilling. And I was tired of living and pushing for meaningless goals. And I talked to God, something I hadnt really done in a while. And it was like a burden lifted from my shoulders. I didnt conform to anything. I remembered what was real. Now dont think Im saying that anything I felt, or feel, or said to you, about you is not true. I meant everything I said. That was real. I wouldnt have said it if it wasnt. I dont expect you to understand, and Im sorry that you think the way you do. i dont understand where all this hostility is coming from. But i want you to know that I hold nothing against you, and that you are still up there in my book.

listen i don't even know why i said anything. It doesn't even matter the probability of me ever even seeing you again is pretty slim so enough said..

Why do you say that? I would love to see you again. You said before that I was hardly there anyway(assuming because we dont talk much of late) and that the odds of us seeing each other are slim anyway, is that why you are being all weird? Calling me names and stuff. Woman Child, just let me know when, and if, you want to see me sometime, and I'll see what I can do. But you being...however youve been these last few entries..makes me not want to see you agin. Kinda. If thats how you are gonna be, I mean. But, Ive always given you the benefit of a doubt. So.....Friday Ive got to work till 330, at 7/730 my sister has a football game i promised Id go to, after that, Ive got the hangout at church to chaparone, saturday, I work at the rink all day, and sunday, Ive got church in the morning, then hopefully Ill be able to fix the car, and then church in the evening. So give me a ring, send me an email, word to your momma. Yo.

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Im sorry if you are taking offense to the things that i've said. I have only stated how you are percieved in my eyes and that is all.

Yoyoyoyoyoyoyo!!!
No offense taken. Thats what I keep saying! If I was offended then I wouldnt be telling you I wanted to see you and all that other stuff.
So now that weve got all that miscommunication out of the way.........
do you want to be chillin sometime??
let me know yo!!

ok

ok...
ok what??

you said "lemme know" so i said ok...