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The Life and Times of Cuthbert Tublard....2?
Posted Aug 13, 2005
Does anyone think that I should write another Cuthbert Tubalard story? Yes, I know that he's dead, but I thought of a way to work around that. I mean, I sure that it has a cult following by now, and all the fans are screaming for more...like when Sherlock Holmes got killed off....
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Latest reply: Aug 13, 2005
The Life and Times of Cuthbert Tubalard
Posted Aug 10, 2005
Once upon a time there lived a little boy name Cuthbert Tubalard.
Cuthbert was a very rude and obnoxious boy. He was short, and had red hair, was mean, fat, greedy, rude, smelly, and enjoyed saying rude words.
One day, Cuthbert Tubalard was walking down the street, and then he came to the intersection, and began crossing without looking both ways first, and was almost run over by a Hummer, but unfortiounatly, someone managed to save his life.
“Oh, little boy! Thank the heavens that I saved you in time! You are lucky to still be alive!”
“You’re a jerk-face, you stupid, rat-breathed, butthole!” replied Cuthbert.
“Why you rude little boy! You must learn to respect your elders!”
“Sod off, arse-head! Your face looks like a baboon with leprosy!”
“How dare you!” said the person, and then stormed off, muttering about how kids wern’t made the way the used to be.
“Heh heh heh! That’s the way to do it!
When Cuthbert arrived at his home, he walked in the kitchen for something to eat. His father was sitting at the table reading the newspaper and drinking tea.
“Hello, son! How is your day?”
“Don’t you talk to me, you rancid piece of garbage. You smell like a pile of puke that has been carbonated with farts, and then eaten by a badger with indigestion, and finally expelled into a cat box that hasn’t been changed in three weeks!”
“Well, than if you don’t like my company, you can go pick up some bread and milk at the supermarket.
And so then Cuthbert Tubalard went to the supermarket.
“Hello, son! Good afternoon to you!” said the greeter.
“Screw you, dirt bag!” said Cuthbert, and then went on his way to bread aisle.
There was a little old woman standing in front of the bread display, so Cuthbert said,
“Get out of the way, you creepy old hag! Why don’t you go back to your crappy cave, and then choke yourself on a dead cat!”
When Cuthbert Tubalard arrived at the check-out, the cashier said,
“Is that all for you?”
“Of course it is, idiot! If it wasn’t, I would have come here yet! Now hurry up.”
“Paper or plastic, young sir?” asked the bagger.
“Paper, you digusting, arse-smelling low-life!”
“Paper indeed! Paper indeed! Seems to be a popular choice, latly! Why, I remember back in ninteen hundred an fifty seven--”
“Shove off! I don’t give a turd what happend in 1957! I’d rather listen to Barry Manilow with bronchitis!”
“Aahhem! Excuse me, my name is hur hahg hem Barry Manilow. I believe that you wanted to have a word with me? Ahem! Cough hack hem!” said a man, appearing out of nowhere.
“Oh, god! I hate your face, you wretched piece of cat-diaper! Go tie a brick to your neck and jump in a lake!”
Later on, Cuthbert threw the bag of groceries at his mother, and said,
“There’s your food, you crud faced old bat. Now give me some money or I’ll shove a star nosed vole down your throat!” said Cuthbert, as he threw his sister’s pet ferret down the garbage disposal.
When the grinding and the squeals died away, his sister came in the room, and began crying at the loss of her beloved ferrt, Winkles.
“Oh, dry up, you carabou’s bottom, go boil your head in vinegar!”
“Cuthbert Tubalard! You are a horrid little boy!” said his mother.
“Yeah, anyway, about that money that we were just dicussing, I think I’m feelin’ lucky about Pile of Rat Droppings.
“I told you to stop betting on those horses! And why do they let a little kid do that?”
“Stuff it, and hand over the dough, ya bum!
“How dare you!” she said, but gave him money anyway.
On his way to the betting parlour, Cuthbert Tubalard passed an aging hippie lying drunk in an alley.
“Peace, brotha!” he said.
“Stick it in your ear, you aging hippie!”
And then he passed a Tibetan monk.
“Oh, young sir, do you wish to be enlightend? Come to our monestery, and learn the ways of Zen!”
“Why don’t you go to the Young Man’s Buddhist Assoiation, and get some excercise, you fatso!”
When he got to the betting parlour, he said,
“A hundred on Pile of Rat Droppings!”
And so then, he went out to the stables with a cricket bat, and beat up all the horses except for Pile of Rat Droppings, and while he was at it, he beat up all of the jockeys and the owners of the horses.
And so then, Pile Of Rat Droppngs won, and Cuthbert Tubalard got a buch of money, and then he went home, plannig to pack his bags and move out.
“Oh, but Cuthbert!” said his mother, “How could you leave us? You ae only a child, and--”
“Shut up, ratpuke!”
“But rats don’t puke! Rodents can’t reguritate!” said his sister.
“Yeah, well you are a rodent and you regurgitate!”
“Cuthbert, that is no way to talk to you sister!” said his father.
“Can it, badgerbreath! I’m outta here!”
And so then, fifteen years later, he was working as a butler to the Queen of England.
“Cuthbert! I would like a cup of tea, and a hot water bottle before I go to sleep.”
“Why don’t you get it yourself, queenie! I don’t see you doing any work around here! It wouldn’t kill you to do the hoovering every once in a while!”
“Why, you wretched little man! And that reminds me! How many times have I told you that the Crown Jewels are NOT play toys! So stop parading around the palace saying that you are the king!”
“Why don’t you stop talking! Every time you open your mouth it smells like armedillo bile in here!”
And then, he was fired, and became a speech writer for the President Of The United States Of America.
“My Fellow Amercans! I am a stupid, fat-headed, chinchilla arse! People of the world: I think that you all look like blobs of rancid seal blubber!”
And then he the official spokesperson for the biggest movie star in America.
Mr. Tubalard, did he really have an affair?”
“Of course he did, thick head. I mean DUH! You people are as thick as the large print edition of the complete works of William Shakespeare! Of course he did! I mean, this jerk is as randy as, I dunno, but anyway, his marrige vowels were as much fiction as John Steinbeck!”
And then, one day, ten years later, half the people in the world knew and hated Cuthbert Tubalard. So someone decided to assassinate him.
He fell to the ground, screaming in agony, and fell silent. And so it was that Cuthbert Tubalard breathed no more.
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Latest reply: Aug 10, 2005
Fat Kids/Brownies
Posted Aug 10, 2005
OK, I don't why I'm writiing about this, but this guy I know, he used this really funny phrase. He was telling me off for something, and he said, 'If you don't fix that, I'm gonna be all over you like a fat kid on brownies.'
So I thought that it was really funny.
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Latest reply: Aug 10, 2005
Whatever, Part III
Posted Aug 8, 2005
It is now 4:26 PM. When I was in town, I visited my grandmother for a few minutes, we went to wonderful downtown Greenville to go to the music store, and then we went to the gas station. When we were in the car, we had the radio on, and amonst the tunes that they played, we heard: Brown Eyed Girl, I Saw Her Standing There, Tell Her No, You Really Got A Hold On Me, and a few surf songs.
When we got home, I finished the chapter in my book, I pet my cat for few minutes, and I made tea and got on H2G2.
When I logged on, I spent a little while updating an entry that I have been working on about the old British sitcom, 'Are You Being Served?', and then I started writing this.
When I finish this, I will probably hang out on H2G2, and then do a few more things on the Internet, then get off, and then, I don't know....Read...Play piano....make dinner....eat dinner....pet my cat....reminace the old days....I think that PBS is showing some old David Bowie concert tonight around nine or ten, so I'll watch that. Then, I will probably go brush my teeth, and go to bed.
So that's pretty much the sorta crap that goes around this dump. Now just imagine everyday just like that, except some day going to a piano lesson or something else. Exciting isn't it?
It is 4:45.
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Latest reply: Aug 8, 2005
Part II
Posted Aug 8, 2005
OK, it is now... 12:43 PM, Ohio time...
It was just as I predicted! I made some hummus, and then I put it in the fridge to cool before lunch, and then I read some of my book, (The Two Towers) and I played the piano for a while. I played Beyond the Sea, the Charlie Brown song, umm...Prelude 1 in C Major....Georgia On My Mind, and the Mister Rogers song.
Then I read some more of my book, and took a walk/run for about 20 minutes, and then I took a shower because I was really hot and sweaty and smelly.
And then I had a most agreeable lunch consisting of hummus and pita bread, a couple of little tomatoes that were fresh from my dad's garden, and a glass of soymilk.
After lunch, I washed the dishes, read some more of my book, and now here I am.
When I'm done here, I'm going to check for a new Strong Bad e-mail cartoon on www.homstarrunner.com. You can look it up in The Guide if you want, because someone wrote a pretty good entry. I seriously reckamend it. And then check out the site.
Anyway, my dad just said that we are going to go into town in about an hour. I live about fifteen miles from Greenville, Ohio. It's not a bad town, I guess, but when you practically live there all your live, you get real sick of it. As I am.
But anyway, Greenville is about a medium sized town with the usual crap like Wal-Mart, K-mart, several grocery stores, shopping centres, fast food places. A park... Oh, and a downtown that's the pride and joy of the city. You know, with little boutiques...the usual. I mean, I think it's boring....but don't tell that to most of the people who live there, because they're all, like, 'Good ol' Greenville, Ohi'a, what a wonderful town!'
Now I'm just ranting, but you get the idea.
Well, I should get going. I'll add a new update later. It is 1:13 PM, and counting. Oh, and its August the 8th. I forgot to mention that before.
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Latest reply: Aug 8, 2005
Wyatt
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