Journal Entries
Never eat a curry in a new car
Posted Mar 18, 2007
Well, 3 weeks into a new job and I'm loving it. The Company is small and
friendly, most of the customers are small and friendly and the sales
targets are ridiculously small and friendly. Great fun.
But the car is decidedly not small and quite unfriendly. I've moved from
a trendy poseur environmentally-cuddly car to a planet polluting 4x4.
If you've never seen one, imagine a house brick. A
5ft tall, 12ft long housebrick that weighs over 2 tons. Imagine that
it's been laminated shiny black and four truck wheels have been nailed
onto the corners. That's a 4x4.
If this car was a person, it would be Johhny Vegas. Overweight, loud,
wobbly and with a drink problem. I've just checked my receipts and it's
got through £432 of Shell's Best Bitter in two weeks.
Which is appropriate, because I think this car was designed in an oil
tanker shipyard. It's heavy and ponderous and has a five mile turning
circle. This may explain why the speedo is calibrated in knots. You
don't so much turn corners in it as spin the wheel frantically whilst
screaming at Fletcher Christian to steer North Nor'East.
Inside is another story though. With the seats folded down you could
just about hold a five-a-side tournament in the back. In fact, I think
Ken Livingstone could save a few bob and stage the Olympics in a few
4x4's.
There's lots of shiny toys that us boys like. Sat nav, huge power
sunroof, leather seats, cruise control, trip computer and buttons
everywhere. Luvely Jubbly. But I missed a couple.
T'other night, me and the missus went for a curry. A Johhny Cash
special. Even as I was shovelling it in one end, the old Ring of Fire
was sending out smoke signals. As we got in the car to go home, my
stomach was doing it's impression of a Willy Wonka chocolate factory.
Lots of Oompah Lumpahs mixing and churning. Two miles down the M9, the
first fruits of their labours began with a very liquid sounding
emission. "Sorry Dear" says I as Mrs SWL glared at me through a
distinctly green haze.
Then I felt it. That dreaded awful moment that sometimes follows a fart.
The spreading heat in the nether regions. Oh my God, I'd followed
through. As I shifted in the seat, the embarrasment factor grew.
Consider the evidence - a hot curry, a churning stomach, a wet fart and
an uncomfortably warm & clammy bum. All the way home my mind was
frantically trying to work out a way of getting from the car to the loo
without the contents of my bum dripping all the way up the stairs.
Believe me, seatbelts are totally unnecessary in such a situation. It's
amazing the vice-like grip buttocks can exert when firmly clenched.
Once home, I made like Linford for the loo where I ripped off my
trousers and shreddies to find ... nothing. Confused, I hunted with the
aid of a mirror and hesitating fingers for the evidence of my backside's
misdemeanour but could find nary a blemish. Relieved, I went downstairs
where the missus was making coffee.
"That car might be ugly" she said, "but I really like the electric
heated seats".
My first Homer moment with my new car. 
Re-posted to cope with the incomprehensible yikeser. I've removed the name of the car and used a more polite word for posterior.
Sheesh
Discuss this Journal entry [7]
Latest reply: Mar 18, 2007
Out with the old
Posted Feb 23, 2007
Well, that's me finished with the old job. I'm taking the car back to Dewsbury tomorrow then flying down to Leicester on Monday.
For the first time in ages, I've got to use public transport 
Getting the train back from Dewsbury will take 6 hours and cost £67. Driving down will take 3 hours and cost about £30. 
And choosing a ticket The woman took about 10 minutes going through all the different fares. A standard single is £76. The cheapest fare is £16, but you need to book about two months in advance to get one. In the end she found me a ticket for £67. First Class, Return. How the hell can that make sense?
Then there's the trip to Edinburgh Airport on Monday. 1 hour on the train from Stirling to Edinburgh - £6.20. Then a bus from Edinburgh to, well, Edinburgh which takes half an hour and costs £5. The Plane is going about 350 miles, takes 55 minutes and costs £35.
My car is faster than the train, cheaper, I get a seat and I can smoke.
No wonder people complain about public transport 
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Feb 23, 2007
New Job
Posted Feb 9, 2007
Got offered a new job today 
Just as well, 'cos I resigned from my old one on Wednesday.
The old job had been getting me down. The people,the product; it was getting depressing. More and more, I was taking out my depression on here.
I've managed to negotiate myself a pretty good escape package from the old job though. Basically, I work for them for another two weeks, (barring a trade show for my new company next week), then I get paid for another 6 weeks without actually doing any work for them.
So, I'll start my new job proper in 2 weeks and have six weeks on double wages 
Discuss this Journal entry [6]
Latest reply: Feb 9, 2007
Strange things you find on the bus
Posted Jan 14, 2007
Chatting with my dad today, he recounted the tale of the latest thing to be handed in to the Lost Property office at the Bus Depot. Mostly it's mundane items that get handed in: wallets & purses,(usually empty), umbrellas, coats, kids toys, that kind of thing. Sometimes it gets a bit more interesting. Over the last ten years or so, he's seen computers, (not just laptops - a PC, monitor & keyboard on one occasion), mobile phones, a couple of wheelchairs, a prosthetic hand and a pickled foetus.
How do you walk off a bus and forget your wheelchair? Has Brian Soutar been conversing with the big G to imbue his buses with miraculous powers? What do they think when they get home? "Where did I put my pickled foetus?"
Best of all is when someone leaves their groceries, which is quite often. These don't get kept for the usual six months as the food would spoil, so he usually waits a day then gives it to one of the drivers. Unless it's M & S, then he claims it for himself, (One does have standards after all.)
But today was a bit more towards the unusual spectrum. A driver brought in a finger. They're not sure if it's a small index finger or a large pinky, but it's probably a blokes. Still a bit bloody too. The driver was a bit perplexed. He hadn't noticed anyone getting off the bus with less digits than they had when they boarded and nobody had made any indication that their finger had decided to seek their own way to the terminal, (along the lines of "Well, bless my soul, my finger has just fallen orf"). Maybe they hadn't noticed yet. My dad checked company procedure and could find nothing in the book about errant fingers, although he did find the section about distressed ladies giving birth on company vehicles. So he phoned the Police, who tried to give him a crime number. When he pointed out that a crime need not necessarily have taken place and he wanted to know what to do with the now rigid digit, he was told to hang on to it for a day or two in case anyone claims it. In the meantime, the police would remember to call him if anyone gets in touch with them wanting to be re-united with their appendage.
So, the finger is currently residing in the freezer compartment of the fridge in the driver's rest room. Hopefully, no-one will mistake it for a crabstick.
Given some of the typing I've seen on HooToo today, the thought occurred to me that it might be a HooTooer.
Discuss this Journal entry [8]
Latest reply: Jan 14, 2007
Position Statement - Socialism & Socialists.
Posted Jan 3, 2007
For the record -
When I talk about either of the above, it can be taken as read that I am *not* talking about the average bod who thinks socialist ideas are quite good. I'm not talking about the Union Rep who wants to work towards a fair deal for his colleagues.
I'm talking about the so-called intelligentsia & elitists who occupy positions in the media, government, civil service, education system, quangoes and talking shops. The rent-a-mob who protest at the opening of a bag of crisps. The morally bankrupt who will ally themselves with their political antithesis if it makes for a bigger turnout at the demo of the day.
Discuss this Journal entry [47]
Latest reply: Jan 3, 2007
swl
Researcher U1775547
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