Journal Entries
Cinema Diary
Posted Sep 4, 2007
As some here may know, Mrs SWL took over managing a large multi-screen cinema at the start of the year. She regularly has me giggling with tales of the goings-on there, along with the most accurate film reviews. Never mind what the critics say, just watching the audiences as they leave tells you all you need to know. As a result, I’ve managed to avoid all the over-hyped movies this year and caught some real gems.
So I’m going to share some of her insider news and views about the cinema and the latest releases here.
As a catch-up, here are some of the stories that made me smile this year.
One afternoon, a very fussy-looking woman was complaining at the Box Office. Mrs SWL went over to see what the fuss was about. The woman was standing with a younger lady who looked a bit crestfallen and was holding a coat around her middle. It turned out, the fussy-looking woman was the ‘carer’ of the other woman who had had a little ‘accident’ in the auditorium. Basically, she had wet herself. Quite copiously too, as the staff later discovered. A veritable stream had cascaded down the aisles for other customers to splash through. Quite a feat when you consider how absorbent cinema seats can be. That wasn’t what the fussy-looking one was complaining about. She was demanding some clothes from Lost Property for her charge. It took some explaining for my wife to convince her that the clothes in Lost Property belonged to customers and could not be handed out by the cinema. Eventually she conceded the point but, obviously not wanting to leave without achieving some kind of victory, she then pressed for a refund as she had missed the last 15 minutes of the film.
Many people ask for refunds, some for the strangest of reasons. One woman marched up to Box Office after a film and demanded her money back. It seems her small child had cried through the last 30 minutes of the film and she hadn’t heard a word. The filthy looks the hundreds of customers were giving her as they filed out helped decide the level of sympathy she received.
During one particularly lengthy film, a guy left the screen to answer a call of nature, only to find himself caught by an Andrex moment in the cubicle. Business done, he reached for the loo roll. But there was none. He called out, but no-one else was in the toilets and he was stuck. He tried phoning his girlfriend who was still watching the film, but her mobile was turned off. He had to remain in the throne room for nearly an hour until the film ended and she switched her phone on. Obviously not the sensitive type, he still asked for a refund.
Some reasons given for a refund are more mundane. You would be amazed how many people ask for their money back because they didn’t like the film.
People often get their complaints in early. Mrs SWL noticed a man and a teenager creating a fuss at Box Office. It turned out the boy was 14 and the chap wanted to take him in to see a ‘15’ film. Like many parents, he seemed to think it was his responsibility what films the lad could see. Unfortunately the law says differently. At the mention of the law, this chap’s demeanour changed. “Look, I hate to do this, but …” He then pulled out his Warrant Card. Without missing a beat, Mrs SWL noted down his number. Thanking him for the card she told him that he should know better and, unless he left immediately, he would be meeting some of his colleagues very soon. The next morning she phoned his station and spoke to a most interested Inspector.
As you might expect, kids present a special challenge for cinema staff. Absenteeism is at it’s height during school holidays. And who can blame them? This Easter was a veritable puke-fest. Young kids stuff themselves with chocolate Easter eggs then load up on popcorn, nachos, hot dogs and a small lake of fizzy drinks. Mixed together inside a kiddy who is jumping excitedly around at the goings-on on the screen, it’s almost inevitable that the results are so explosive. Added to this is the policy that only properly-trained staff can handle Body Fluid Situations. At her cinema, it falls upon the managers and supervisors to do the deed.
Training and Health & Safety are big issues with such a large organisation. For nearly a month, no bulbs could be changed in the cinema as the only ladder-trained member of staff left. How many cinema employees does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to climb the ladder, (having had the necessary days training), one to hold the ladder and one to pass up the bulb. When Mrs SWL finally managed to send one chap off to Glasgow to do the training and become a certificated bulb-changer, it was a huge relief. Upon his return, two staff were waiting with a box of bulbs and the ladder. In vain, it transpired. New rules now mean that bulbs can only be changed by three staff, one of whom has received the proper training and who is wearing the appropriate safety boots. Unfortunately, this chap had size 14 feet and the Glasgow office were placing a special order for the right size. So the cinema went another month without the bulbs being changed. Two days after the boots arrived, the chap handed in his notice. He had a better job offer elsewhere. One that doesn’t involve climbing ladders I presume.
Some policies are bizarre, if well-meaning. If a woman is struggling with the heavy auditorium doors whilst laden with fizzy drinks, popcorn & the like, staff are encouraged to help by holding the door open. But if the woman is disabled, staff are forbidden to help her. That would be discriminatory you see.
Am I alone in thinking that staff are forced to discriminate in order not to appear to be being discriminatory?
Good films I have seen this year on the basis that crowds liked them were: 300, Wild Hogs and surprisingly perhaps, Knocked Up.
I won’t be rushing to see Rush Hour 3 though. After most performances, staff have to wake up members of the audience who have fallen asleep. Not a good sign. Other bozos were Goya’s Ghost, Babel, Epic Movie and Flyboys.
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Latest reply: Sep 4, 2007
Highway Robbery
Posted Aug 14, 2007
...is back in vogue it appears. I just picked up Mrs SWL in Falkirk and had to detour back to Stirling as the M9 is closed. On the way, she told me that two of her employees had been waved down on a back road between Stirling & Falkirk by some men standing by an apparently broken down car. When they stopped and wound the window down, one of the men tried to grab the keys from the ignition whilst another (with a knife) tried to yank open the passenger door. The girl driving hit the accelerator and they escaped. When they got into work, they phoned the police. 5 hours later they arrived and took a statement.
So it was a little surprising to round a bend on the way home tonight and see a car with it's hazards on and three guys trying to wave me down. Needless to say, I didn't stop and I've phoned the police and we'll see what happens.
Oh yeah, the employees who had a close shave said the men were Polish. Nice to see people new to our shores adopting our culture so readily.
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Latest reply: Aug 14, 2007
Off to Ireland
Posted Jul 29, 2007
Ah well, it's off to the land o' the blarney tomorrow for a bit of the craic. A week spent visiting Dublin, Limerick, Cork, Lismore, Waterford, Oughterard, Galway, Kilkenny, Ballina and more. More dodging Mad Micks in Mercs during the day and imbibing the lovely black stuff by night. The best Guinness I ever had was by a roadside pub near Tralee. I wonder if I'll match it this time.
I'm wanting to bring back a souvenir for the office girls. Any suggestions? The cheaper & tackier the better 
, 'cos they're those sort of girls.
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Latest reply: Jul 29, 2007
Have a go then
Posted Jul 29, 2007
Ok K, here's a more suitable place.
You think it's racist to have a go at Islam. Why's that then? In case you hadn't noticed, there have been white Islamist wannabe terrorists too. And I have no doubt there will increasingly be more. It's the ideology I despise, based on the blatant lies and utterly laughable fabrications in the Koran, tied in with the Stalin-esque sunnah.
In Britain, we have a long tradition of making jokes about anything and everything. I heard the first joke about Piper Alpha before I saw the news. The jokes were flying about 9/11 before the dust had settled. The Glasgow attack has spawned hundreds of jokes. And it's great. One week has almost entirely changed how people view Islamist terrorists in this country. The fear factor has dissipated a bit. People now see them as incompetent jokes, to be pitied rather than feared. No doubt that will change with the next lethal attack, but it's a welcome breathing space.
I have no doubt your experience of Muslims in Java is different from mine in Scotland. An 80% majority makes for an entirely different society. I worked amongst Muslims for years and I know that for most of them, Islam is not what defines them. They never chose their religion - they were born into it and inherited it like the colour of their eyes. It's less a religion than a social & business network. But, whereas the fanatics in an 80% majority are an irrelevance in Indonesia, the fanatics amongst a 4% minority in the UK are causing a lot of grief.
I see you arguing about visible Christian symbols in another thread, (as have I). Where's the difference between them and visible Muslim symbols? One's only a ring and the other is only a headscarf. I've opposed both, you've supported one.
Who's the hypocrite?
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Latest reply: Jul 29, 2007
How to paint a shed
Posted Jun 9, 2007
Or not a shed, as the case may be. Apparently, what we have is a "Summer House" according to Mrs SWL. The clues are the three windows, stable doors, porch, veranda, balustrade and decking. In someone's imagination, it's a visualisation of Tara relocated from the cotton fields of the Deep South to a housing estate in Stirling. She's been on at me to paint it since the Spring. The Spring of 2005. I think the weather-worn, greyish-silver effect is quite fetching, but what I think doesn't come into it of course. Curse this Global Warming. The subtle hints started even earlier this year. Never mind the call of the first cuckoo, around here you know it's Spring when Mrs SWL starts on about the darned shed.
So today, resolute of body and mind, I tackled the beast. Mrs SWL had helpfully picked out the colour scheme a few weeks ago, so after I had dropped her off at work today I sat in the back garden contemplating two tins of varnish, some Canadian Pine woodstain, Teak Oil, red paint, brushes, wire wool and enough sandpaper to give Dawn French a darned good body scrub.
I stared at them and they stared at me. Together we reached a consensus. A quick shufti up the loft found a big pot of creosote and the 'big' brush.
Now, it is important to prepare properly for the painting of sheds. Surfaces have to be sanded, decking has to be cleared of leaves, cobwebs have to be brushed away, ornamentation removed and the bloomin' fairy lights that festoon the dashed edifice (put there by a previous owner and never switched on by me) have to be taken down.
It's important....but not essential.
The intention was to paint the walls with creosote, cut it back with sandpaper to reveal the grain, wipe down the balustrades with teak oil and sweep the decking. However, creosote has a habit of flying off big brushes in dollops. Most of them landed on me thankfully, but more than a few landed on the decking and balustrades. So, rather than have unsightly blotches all over the place, I've continued the theme of dark brownishness in a daring swoop throughout. It's taken all afternoon, but I'm quite pleased with the result.
It's a curious trick of the light I suppose, but when you take a step back - you can't actually make out any features at all. There's just a corner of brown in the garden. Light doesn't reflect off it. Rather, light hits it then wanders off in a different direction, too embarassed to report back.
I pick up Mrs SWL at ten tonight so it'll probably be dark and I'll be ok. But tomorrow morning, I'm gonna need a bloomin' good cover story.
Any suggestions?
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Latest reply: Jun 9, 2007
swl
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