h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*offers lead pipe*

PC as in 'Prince Charming', not my 'puter... though he might like the lead pipe.. ya never know..

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hey batty.. do you have an instant messenger?

yup.. all of them... (actually I run trillian, which has all of them).. why?

thought i would add you to my msn if you didn't mind... i have icq to but don't use it very often

msn is [email protected] (but don't actually email that address, I only have it for MSN) and icq is 997160. yahoo and aol are both batty6842.

Advertising, again?!? ...*whispers to Batty...*Don't forget my cut.
BTW...I found a way to hack into my E-mail...I can reply...same addy...I jussss ain't 'fingered' out how ta' mail out unless it's a reply.Still trying to get the downloaded upgrae thingie.
...*smashes face into key pad...*

Hey, We B Tarts...nothin's unspeakable!!! Ya' jusss gotta' get the codes right.

Welcome to October...Wha'Er, wlcome to the lasss Service in September.
Today I would like to broch the subject matter of Tart-ainium Language an' how ta' go aout using it whilst still comming off as a lady, as it were.
For example. I often use the phrase:"BITE ME". Now, this terminology can lead to various responses. Depending on: 1.) How
2.)Where
3.) When
you use the words and any inflection you put on them.
...*feels like blowing lunch...best make this a quickie...*

wha'?oh yeah, as I was saying.
When using 'Bit Me'...it might be said with various twists..., the most serious, which might be followed with a ...or the more common... Bit me!
Now, most any (men are the most likely to respond with a crude) man will say something to the effect of anything from:"OK"
To, "you might like it"...and the most common, "how 'bout if I lick you instead?"
When using Tart-aimiumism Speak...one must be ready, willing and most importantly ABLE to have a swift and scathing retort.
When "OK!!!!" is the reply and the TONE of your Tart-ainium Speak was to :brush off...or loose the subject...your reply may have to include a quick exit out the window of the 'ladies'...see ancient Tart Services for instructions....When dealing with the response, "You might like it." (keeping in mind that your objective is the rid yourself of the creapier type male)Your respone might work best with a (look that could stop charging bioson at 50 paces) sharp, and say something to the effect of, "I've been bitten by a dog once and I didn't like IT!"...look the man up and down VERY slowly as to make sure he understands you actually 'see' him...and finish off with..."Seeing as how the DOG was really GOOD LOOKING, and I didn't like it...I'm quite certian I woudn't like having YOUR teeth upon my tender flesh!"
And...lastly Tarts, and lurkers alike. When dealing with the:"How 'bout if I lick it instead?" The easiest of all ladies.
Quite simply say, "You'd just be washing off a place to bite!"
Then it's usually a god idea to ask the largest availble man to "watch your back" as you tell the aforesaid largest man, "That
guy over there --> has been saying awful things about your mama, an' I've been argueing with him about not insutling strangers until I'm blue in the face! Perhaps YOU can explain to him?" Then as the BIG man gets up to approach the nasty man, you tuck yourself behind the big fella' and scoot on outta' there while the gettin's good!
That, my dear friends is how to go about a Tart-aimium phrase. I do hope I've been of some instruction for you, or at least have put into motion a notion...that even if the guy is good lookin' an' hairy, you jusss ain't no 'last call Mary'.!
Help yourself to the re to the refreshments.

Welcome to the first Service in October, 1969...wha'?
I mean 2002.
Anyway...always be careful about checking for lumps!!! Today's Service shll be VERY short. I found a lump! A one hundred ninty pound lump, to be exact! He was just sitting on the couch!!
So, you see....after the crowd has..."left the building", as it were...
always check for lumps!! Never can tell what you'll find!

Have a good week & do have fun whilst checking for lumps!

Help yourselves to the refreshments and we now have the perfect place to leave donations! --->...*points to the new nightstand by the exit door...* Bu-bye now!~~~~~~~~

Welcome. Jussss two words. hot lids. Use pot holders.
That's it...'nuff said...let's drink!

Welcome. As cold weather begins to hit most of the USA...and who knows where else...unless you were into stuff like that in school or sumthin'...I'd like to suggest we all take a good look around us and think of this as the begining of Fall...instead of the end of Summer. I jusssss hate when that happens.
So, pull a rocker up to the hearth...grab your favorite beverage & snack...and settle in for awhile.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~No time...party at
Crossed Purpose's Pub...October thread...my home page!!
Come One Come ALL...
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Wrong way! Again. ...and why the heck am I running when I could be flying?!? ...Ooooo and even going the right direction.
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Welcome to the first Tart's Curch Service for November 2002.
Sometimes it's just a good idea to stay in bed and sleep all day.Wha'? I jusss got up to pee...See you all next week......or not... I jusss love this place

*screams like a girl* wait i AM a girl.. oh well *screams anyway* at last i got back on here. miss me babies? come on you can admit it.

*runs through wearing nothing but a tophat and a bikini made of cotton candy*

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Of course you were missed! Why I was just saying te other da...*Batty breezes past...*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ooooo I love cotton candy!...*shuffles after Batty...*

...*holds up a sign that reads...*
NO SERVICES AGAIN TODAY...I HAVE SWOLLEN GLANDS AND FEEL LIKE DOG DOODIE...SEE YA' NEXT WEEK...OR NOT...
LEAVE OFFERINGS AT THE NIGHTSTAND BY THE DOOR...
THANKS FOR STOPPING BY...REFRESHMENTS ARE IN THE KITCHEN...GET UM YOURDAMNEDSELVES...love, Pan

...*awakens as it's now Sunday. Again. Holds up same sign...lays back down on pew...*