h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

don't!

Last year. which was 2014 (I still find it hard, saying that; as I'm convinced in my head it still is 2014).
anyhow. last year. it was August. then September the 1st.

then I've a vague memory of visiting the GP....

then I woke up in hospital, and was told it was 2015, not 2014 as I thought. and, told I was starting treatment, for a diagnosis I can't recall

my last decent quality memory, before the time loss period, was going to a ex-partners, funneral, who'd died of cancer.

since which time, things have only gotten weirder in my head. - I've still not really got any firm grip that I'm in reality at the moment. its, all just surreal stuff happening to a physical body, I no longer have any connection too, as it doesn't feel like my body, and the brain, in this head, isn't my brain any more, so nothing feels anything. Its so ubba surreal to be honest, and I can't grip onto anything much enough to say for sure, with any certanity that its actually reality or not. I think this is why I just don't care. I can't percieve any reality as my brains now so disconnected from the world about me, and has altered sufficienty that I don't recognise it as my own. and, at the same time, I've no really connection to my 'own' body. - like with injections or all the pain I've got at the moment; I gues I sort of feel it, but, as I'm disconnected so totally, I don't so much 'not feel it', I just don't care, and so if I want just well, sort of ignore it which is, I guess kinda the same as just not feeling it.

yet.

I'm sure I've more weird left to discover. - and, actually, the weekend just gone, I did almost feel.... sor tof connected... - I could feel the ground, and, sort of myelf, and my brain, but, its all suddenly gone again; and my energy has just dropped way way back down to virtually nothing.

Went into town today with William, I honstly wasn't sure I'd make it down to the fron door, let alone to the bank (our first target). I was thinking if I got that far, I'd probably then have to give up and come home, but, then we walked all the way into town, and went to Lush

bought more bath bombs (dragson eggs), and bath melts (coludrens), and then Nadier my new girlfriend, gave me a bath bubble bar (one of the new range),so I bought a differnt bath melt, to accompany that

made it back home, via waitrose and tescos, and got food for the weekend, so William could go home.

but, really, I think I only managed to make the final trip through the shops, and back home, as I just meditated and took my mind off elsewhere, and just went on au auto pilot, for the majority of the trip back to mine- legs and joints, and muscles were so aching again today, well, still are, and my shoulder/arm is in agony if I pay attention to it enough to notice.

I'm starting to lose all sensation in my left arm. which is the reason i didn't want to do radiotherapy, due to the risk of that. they convinced me, it couldn't happen.

well, guess I may have to flog off my guitars then, if I've not got a functioning left arm to use/play with them with... if it gets that* bad... at the moment... its just pain, and lack of sensation... hmm, actually not sure that'd work too well for trying to play gutiar.... still just about able to touch type... even if the joints on my left hand are screaming. - but, it doesn't and hasn't for a long while felt like my body, or arm [s] amnyhow

I would hold on to those guitars, at least not flog them off just now. Remember how much did *not* happen to your hair? It's early days yet - at least of your latest challenges.

I appreciate you've been fighting the battle for a year now, but this may just be Hodgkin's dying twitches so to speak

With how clucked up your hormones are just now, perhaps it's them causing the latest lump. I had a lump in my armpit for about 6 months, it came and went throughout my monthly cycle.

Infection's a good one, though, I hope that's what it is

Deb

Oh, no rush to sell them just yet trust me they took years..... decades to aquire ; although having said which, a few of them; the ones that lurk in the loft unplayed for ... like a decade really oughta be flogged or donated to something/someone, its just a waste having them sit in the loft, - My newer variax bass and electric just get played in deference to the older ones, basically... though I'd keep the fender I think; plus of course my Brother's still got one of my Fender's, and a yamaha of mine on extended loan

Yeh. the most likely thing for the lump is an infection, possibly even something like lymphodemia (swelling due to distroyed lu lymph glands, not draining fluid away), actually; wondering, maybe even, the sensation loss in the left arm, same side as lump MK2, is maybe due to something like oedemi/lymphodemia - it'd be nice if I had an oncologist I could ask about it.

really hoping I've got some strength tomorrow, as I'm in hospital for a CT scan (I've absolutely no idea what this scan is for; I think its of my brain, and is redundant and so a waste of money and time, as I'm ment to now be having the more detailed MRI on the pituitary/brain), anyhow, if I've got ... energy and mindfullness enough I may go ... have a quiet word with someone up in oncology/hematology, see if I can get what I'm ment too, follow-up, and ongoing treatment/care, or not. also wanna go speak to Pals, who're sort of ment to be doing this stuff for me, but they never really bothered.

of course, another thing; the lump itself may be scar tissue, from the radiation/chemo, - the pain bit, I'm pretty sure there's something more superficiel on the skin, over the lump MK2, which could just as easily be a boil or some such I guess.

I spent most of yesterday evening meditating, and have done the same, this mroning, on getting up, after taking drugs, making coffee etc. feeling far more zen. Sadly, I can't quite occupy the mental state of both alert and relaxed, and with the fomer I'm just rubbish, ATM, and with the latter, doing stuff is kinda... spacey Hmm... I guess just drifting my way through in a spaced out fashion might not be as all aweful as anything, anyhow, anybody who employed me, now, with my malfunctioning brain would have to be derranged in the first place, so I guess lack of cognitive functioning doesn't really matter too much. As my lodger, who works with disabled students said, to me, I'm just experiencing now, what its like to have the memory function of a 'normal' person. - for some derranged reason, i had a virtually total recall memory, following the distruction of my right temporal lobe, in 93... I'm just not used to it I guess

anyhow. I can still do weird.

just fried up four sausages, in butter, which I served on toast with butter. in the nude. of course. - its damn hot here today again

should do houswork today. but. yaknow. screw it I'm not. gona go meditate again.