h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

About two weeks ago whilst having a bath, I noticed that there was a small lump on the inner side of my right buttock, down near the gluteal-fold. I thought nothing of it and carried on playing with my rubber duckie.

Last week I noticed that the lump was a bit bigger, and a little bit tender to the touch.

By Friday of last week it was uncomfortable enough for me to ring the Doctor and say, "My bum is a bit sore. Can I come in and let you have a prod around with it?" The answer was yes, but that the first date that was free would be five days later on the Wednesday.

By Monday the little lump was not a little lump any more. It was a great big angry looking red swelling. I couldn't sit down properly, I was walking a bit like John Wayne, and I was taking pain-killers like they were smarties.

Time to ring the Doctor again - "No, sorry. We really can't see you any earlier than we've already agreed. It's going to have to be Wednesday."

Wednesday, my arse. Quite literally I suppose. I take myself down to my local A&E department at 3pm on Monday afternoon, as I can't take the pain any more.

By 3:30pm they've decided that they don't like the look of my backside one little bit, and that I had better come in and get it seen to. Four hours later and after being prodded by a succession of doctors (all young, all blonde and all female) a bed is found for me on the Surgical Assessment Unit in the bowels of the hospital's tower block.

The nurses tuck me up in bed and start administering IV antibiotics and more painkillers. The plan is to stick me on the end of that night's surgical list. So I can't have anything to eat or drink, but as I'm a bit dehydrated they decide to put me on a saline drip - hey what's one more link to the cannula in my wrist between friends.

Sadly, the list takes too long to complete, and I'm not going to be operated upon until the morning. So still no food or drink for me. Hence another saline drip at about 3am - aren't we supposed to be keeping our salt content down? So what is it with all this pumping me full of salty water?

Anyway, come 7am on a bright Tuesday morning (Well it might have been bright. I had no way of telling. This ward is, as I said before, stuck down at the bottom of the tower block and has no windows or natural light at all.) the abscess, for that it was it was, on my bottom burst. Now this probably sounds like a really painful thing to have happen. Well it's actually not. It in fact comes as something of a relief. The pressure in the abscess has dropped and hence the pain starts to go away. The downside of course is that you find yourself lying in a slimey pool of bloody puss, and boy-oh-boy, does that stuff stink.

A quick clean up and I'm ready to be shipped off to theatre. I'm there and back inside an hour, with a nice slice taken out of arse and a load of wadding stuffed inside it.

I spend the rest of the day lying in bed reading the paper, drinking lots of water, and eating hospital food - which is surprisingly tasty by the way.

On Wednesday morning, this morning, I'm given the once over by another doctor. Yes, young; yes, female; but ginger haired this time around. I'm given the all clear and send home with a bunch of drugs and dressings for the wound.

For the next few days I'm going to have to present myself daily to the GP practice nurse and get the wound redressed. Apparently what they do when operating on an abscess is not just drain it but cut the top off it as well. The idea being that if it were just drained, then it could reform. Whereas leaving it as an open wound/pit allows the wound to heal from the bottom up. Hence the need to have it professionally cleaned out, repacked and covered up on regular basis.

So there you are. I am now *officially* a pain in the arse

Tell us something we didn't already know

So when say 'a hole in my bum', you would of course be meaning *another* hole in my bum, right? Did they give you any clues as to what could have caused the abscess, or is it just one of those things?

I think you've put me off my tea...

I hope your pustulent posterior gets well soon!

"Pustulent posterior" Nice one Parrfers

So, will you be showing off your scar at the next meet GD

Incidentally, Dewey has been referred to as 'bloody puss' on more than one occasion

Ouch.

COUld it have been a glucose drip?

I was once put on nil by mouth and it was glucose so I didn't need feeding.
It's weird not eating for 2 days and not feeling hungry at any point either.

So when EV promised to 'tear you a second arsehole', this is what happens.

B

BH - abscesses it seems are just 'one of those things'. And yes, that other thing was one of my better typos

PF - a nice turn of phrase there. Sorry about tea an'all.

Orcus - nope it was definitely saline. Unless of course sugar or what ever is spelt S-A-L-I-N-E.

Master B - nice to see you can pull smut out of any crisis

I lost count of how many bottom puns are in the journal, it made uncomfortable reading - so I can imagine how you feel GB

Lucky it's in the position it's in really, you can get others to do all the changing bandages and stuff.

Good ol' National Health eh? even without the sunlight - and I'm really worried about your tastebuds now

GB

GD or BG - couldn't make my mind up

During some daytime telly watching the BBC enlightened me that ingrown hairs on the arse are in fact very common and many people have to have them cut out. One wonders if the 2 are linked.

Hope you are feeling better GD and that sitting down becomes an easier proposition.

Excellent news GD.

Now you find out who your friends are - will anyone kiss it better ?

If that don't put Parrfers off his breakfast nothing will

Too right.

I'm finding having to get the wound repacked and covered every day to be something of an annoyance. It's sort of compulsory that you turn up at what ever address the local practice / district nurse is residing that day, and let her inflict pain on you as she pulls the previous day's wadding out of the hole and sticks a new load in.

And then there's the saline that's used to clean it all out. Owwwww!

How big is this hole btw?

About three-quarters of an inch at its maximum. But that's just the top of the hole. The space underneath is wider, and tucking the packing in under the... flaps, for want of a better word, is the bit that really hurts.

Ewww...No! No!



B

Nasty. No wonder it hurt so much - that's a lot of... stuff to be held under pressure.

Oh bloody'ell GD. You poor thing

Okay... that's the sympathy thing done Where exactly *is* this hole in your buttock? Can you sit down, or do you have one of those life-saving rings to perch on. Ooooh, and what about the loo?

I hope it heals quickly and cleanly



Fb

At least they didn't have to put maggots on you.