h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Good evening JWF,

I've been a busy lady and have made quite a few adjustments to my Blonde In A Dream story. I took on board your suggestions and with JV as my inspiration and you as my mentor I didn't feel I could go too far wrong.

I've done my very best to make the reader aware there are three people in the painting. Although it works for me at this point I can only assume it will work for the readers. I would very much appreciate your honest opinion, I can take it, honest! If anything doesn't look right please say, I feel you were far too kind about my original draft.

Nothing much springs to mind on how I could improve it further but I am open to any further suggestions. One of my new found friends on here actually went to JV's site and was searching for Blonde In A Dream. He was quite disappointed when I explained it was my own creation but I felt it a huge compliment and it made me laugh, a lot!

I'm sure you are a very busy man and although I hate to disturb you in any way I'd be delighted if you could get back to me sometime with your comments and eagerly await your response.

Flame

Wow.
Yes that's much clearer.
The scene unfolds and opens up.
The 'intrusion' of the other girl is now recognised. And I see and feel the poignancy felt at the fickle nature of the artist's attention span.

I found 'soft full lips' a bit over the top and became very 'conscious' of all the other compounded adjectives that followed. There seemed to be an extra dose of sensuality. You might want to rethink a couple of them but none stuck out like 'soft full lips' which I suggest might be changed to read "..as my tongue traces the outline of my smile". Less is often more.

The plural of echo is echoes but I suppose there is really nothing wrong with your apostrophecal version "echo's"...

I am going to feature it in my next issue of <./>AggGag</.>/CAC-C.
I could make a copy and covert it to GDML rather than 'plain text', but I would only do that to inject the that would offset the story part. And yet now, on second thought, because it progresses clearly, it doesn't really need that anymore, so you can delete the [parenthesis] you used.

If I link to your copy (A2428652), you will continue to have editorial control and can make further changes at will. Just promise me that you won't ever delete it.


~jwf~

Hello once again.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and also taking the time to read my story yet again.

At this moment in time I am unashamedly grinning like an excited school girl at the thought of having my work featured. I certainly couldn’t have arrived this far without your guidance and assistance. I couldn’t begin to express my gratitude so may I just say you are a real star! (Wouldn’t want to go to over the top would I). As you said yourself, less is often more.

I will make the minor changes you suggested but if anything else still sounds over the top and yucky please let me know as I’m more than happy to change it. I want it to be as near perfect as I can make it so if anything else sounds too compounded I will make the necessary changes. I guess I became a bit carried away by my own fantasy but then what girl wouldn’t with a James Bond look-alike standing beside you.

You have my word that I will never delete it.

Pauline

I have just put together my next issue of CAC-C and it is in a queue for publication in the H2G2 POST. If not next Thursday then the week after.

Have a sneak preview at A2441288.

You will see that the link to your entry goes to your version of it so it is important that the link not be broken or the moderators may fail the whole page if someone complains.

I'll re-read your story again a couple of times before it goes public and see if I can offer any final fine tuning. But rest assured it does now what you originally intended, because you have taken the extra effort to put yourself in the shoes of the slowest dumbest reader out there - Me - and managed to communicate a very complex scene so that even I get it now.

Now gimme back my shoes!


~jwf~

You the dumbest slowest reader? Hardly! I have been reading some of your work, I am impressed, you have a lovely free flowing style and a great sense of humour.

I'm really pleased that you will take the time to read it through again and look forward to seeing it featured.

Guess I had better think about writing something else to fill my next 14 minutes of fame.

Pauline