h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Have received frantic email from Kaeori, telling me to visit this thread. Must agree with those who don't agree it's time to go. I will spend the weekend in thought, and will try to email you next week. Until then, could I just say -- it's clear from this thread that you have lots of friends. Surround yourself with such people!

Sorry, folks, this is a long one, but please read on ... planet is a wonderful place. I posted a reasonably up-beat message (no.19) on Friday, just before leaving the office. I need to tell you what has happened since.

As I drove out of the office car park, I scraped the side of my car against a concrete pillar. I should tell you that up to that point it was in immaculate condition, and I've been trying to sell it to pay off some of the loan so that I have enough money each month to live on without adding to my credit card debt. I got out, looked at the damage and burst into tears - it will be so much more difficult to sell now, and the price will drop further. I cried all the way home, asking why this had happened to me, and hadn't I suffered enough recently - I just couldn't believe it had happened and there was nothing I could do to turn the clock back.

I got home about 5pm, and lay on my bed crying for half an hour, not knowing what to do with myself. As my brian started to work again I made my decision - I would stay there in bed, not eating or driking, until I died. And I really meant it. Between then and 7pm Saturday I got up twice to go to the toilet, and that was all. I hadn't had anything to drink since Friday afternoon, and nothing to eat since Thursday evening. I was pleased to find by Saturday afternoon, I was getting weak and wobbly. I spent the time sleeping, listening to bits of Radio 4 to pass the time, thinking, and crying over my best friend who isn't, my car, the lack of money and inevitability of debt, and the thought that I was somehow letting all my friends here down after everyone had been so kind. I was planning to spend all Sunday in bed, and just not turn up for work on Monday - I hoped by the time they got really worried and sent someone round, I'd be dead.

It was approaching 6pm, I had just woken up from one of my dozes and needed something diverting. There was nothin on the Radio, so I looked at the TV. BBC2 had a program called "Scribbling" at 6pm, about how a famous author (Minette Walters) was struggling to write and finish a novel. I'm interested in writing, and had had several writing projects on the go (another regret about ending my life was not finishing these projects). The program covered the 18 months from conception to publishing of 'The Shape of Snakes'. It showed the blood, sweat, tears, nightmares, frustration, despair, and sheer hard work that went into the novel.

Something happened. I don't know what, but I began to feel different inside. The program was inspiring - it shouted at me not to abandon my writing. I thought, 'but nothing has changed: there are still all the disappointments, troubles and above all the pain - none of it has gone - why should I change my mind ?'. The program spoke to me again saying, 'you can do it, you're a determined fighter, you can do it even with all the problems'. I thought again, 'why should I change my mind?'. Then I thought of all of you, all my friends who I've shared so much with through h2g2 and e-mail, all those people who have been willing me to hang on, telling me there are people who would miss me. The program was the catalyst, writing is the tangible goal - and all you people out there are my strength.

I'm not saying things won't get hard again and tempt me - the love of my life is still lost and the car still damaged - I can't change that - but I've put death on hold. With luck, it will stay there until my life has run its proper course.

I've made some decisions. This evening (after getting out of bed, washing and dressing, eating and drinking) I've writen up my Last Will And Testament. It's not in a legal form yet, but I've got everything in, including messages for various people (such as yourselves) if the pain does get too much again. And I've made it clear how my ex. best friend is to be resticted in the disposal of my estate - I'm not going to roll over every time she says 'die for the queen'. I've made some descisions about my work/life balance. And I decided I must write to you all.

How can I possible thank you all ? Anything I say will be just words - I want to beam my love and appreciation directly into your hearts - I want to reflect back to you the power of what you've all sent to me. I owe everything, even my life to you all. Thank you.

All my love, Nikki xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you, Nikki. I hope you NEVER need my first posting to this thread.

Nikki,
I suppose I must have heard lots of good news in my time, but at present I can't remember anything better. (Well there is just the fact that England won 5 - 1, tonight.)
Thankyou, thankyou.

Have a nice cup of tea, some hot toast and Marmite then pop along to vote at:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F75123&thread=135779

Nikki - D

I am really glad that you have regained some hope and purpose in this world. Your sharing this information is inspiring and gives hope to others.

Elizabeth

You have passed through the valley, that dark night of the soul and have come out the other side! Last month my father died (he was 84), he was in hospital for a week anable to speak, see and hardly able to move. My mother and I stayed with him untill the end. It was hard watching him fight for life right up to the end.

Nikki,
I've been away for a while, and only just found this thread. I *kind* of wish I'd got here when I might have been a tiny bit of use, but the fact that you're feeling differently now makes that entirely irrelevant.

Nikki, just heard your email on Broadcasting House. I'm really so glad that your time of darkness has passed.
Dave

This is a relief. We realise that you were serious - very serious - and that this was not a kind of tacky hoax thing, and we are, I am sure, all pleased and proud that we could be part of the reason you decided to re-think. Thank you for confiding in us and good on ya!
I, for one, have learned from this that life really is what you make it. A scratch on a car can be a trifle, or, as in your case, the same scratch can be the last straw, starting an avalanche of depression. As for your personal problems - is there no way to approach things with the help of a solicitor?

Nikki-D

Glad you are comming round.



Hope things get better soon.

Very happy for you and just remember, we are always here if you need us again.

..and a nice testimonial to BBC television too!

~jwf~

What a lovely start to the week!

!!!

You bet ! I'm feeling on top of the !!

It's a hard struggle from here, but as you now know Nikki, we'll be here to help you through the bad times and celebrate the good times with as well

It really has turned out to be a great day ! And that's on top of the weekend !

Even though the clutch on the car has now decided to give trouble (RAC man coming soon), I'm not down-hearted.

I've just heard from an old flame (of about 25 years ago) after signing up for one of the friends/reunion services.

And the chief reporter from a trade journal I read has e-mailed to say yes, they are very interested in the articles I sent him last week !!


Whooopeee !