Journal Entries

Keep your underwear in a safe and secure place

There are some things that should just be words to live by. “Keep your underwear in a safe and secure place” is an example of this. On a recent morning, I packed my messenger bag with everything I needed to get me through the work day. I was planning on working out and decided I should bring a change of “underthings” with me. I was rushing to get out of the house and carelessly put them in the front portion of my messenger bag. They joined the intimate club of pens, miscellaneous change, gum, tweezers, bits of paper, receipts (that are probably no longer needed), things that I just don’t know what to do with and my train pass. Having mastered packing up my bag and getting into the car, I made it without challenge to the train. I usually expect to travel by train with little or no episode, but some days this is not to be. It started off like any normal train ride. Got into my seat, adjusted my messenger bag on the metal rack (as I’m on the top part of the train), pulled my book out and began to read. I realized after the 3rd paragraph that I deviated from habit by not pulling out my train pass. I put my book down, carefully saving my place, swung my knees out of my seat and leaned over unzipping the front compartment of my messenger bag. I didn’t unzip it all the way in some weird conservation of time and zipper opening. I reached in, found my pass and began to pull it out. For some reason it was stuck on something so I tugged a little harder and whatever it was stuck on, gave way, causing me to flip my hand up and out of the bag and into the air. Unfortunately, my red flowered unders were attached to the train pass until I flipped my hand in the air. At that point, they were airborne. I had been fumbling a bit so all eyes were already on me in the train. Now all eyes were on the downward decent of my parachuting unders. My first thought was thank God it was a pair of nice ones. I watched, with others and they gently glided onto the lap of a lady in the lower section of the train. The woman quickly grabbed the offending unders, reached up into the sky and offered them back to me. After a hurried, “um, thanks” I shoved them back into my pack, sat down, picked up my book and began to read. My fellow passengers settled back into their weekday morning routines of paper reading, ipod listening and laptop typing. The rest of the train ride was mercifully uneventful. I tried to gather up my self respect and appear as if nothing had happened. We pulled into the train station and I grabbed my bag and stood so that I could make a quick exit. Unfortunately the train was still in motion and we lurched forward as it came to a complete stop. I lost my balance and fell into the man behind me, who caught me in his arms. I heavily apologized and felt like a fool. I felt even more the clown when after I said to the man “oh my. I’m so sorry!! Excuse me!” he replied “that is okay, after all I’ve already seen your underwear”.

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Latest reply: Feb 14, 2006

The sheer insanity

I spent yesterday at a funeral. As funeral's go it was wonderful. A good ole southern baptist one where the preacher yells "can I get an amen???!!! Can I get a hallalujah???" and where people yell "preach"!!. We had to hug each other, we had to look into the eyes of perfect strangers and tell them we loved them. We had to hug people. It was a really good experience. However, it was the reason I was there that is hard to fatham. It was for one of the administrative assistants at my office. You all know someone like Dana. Young mother, takes care of getting all the money and arranging baby showers, wedding showers. Sends out the flyer for the monthly birthday celebration. Does light secretarial work here and there, is a relief receptionist. She deals with the lunch caterers and delivery men. She is that sunny little bright face that while you don't know her entire story, you know her enough, chat about her kids (7,5,3) and take ownership of her. Our Dana. She was tiny. She was only 26. She was extremely religious, however she didn't preach to you or let it be known. She hung out with this here agnostic just fine. Then one day she doesn't show up. And that husband of hers you thought was great? The one that seemed so endearing as he always dropped her off and picked her up where she needed to go. The one that stopped in for lunch. The one that seemed so attentive, the one that you never figured out was a little too stifling, a little to constraining a little too possessive.......until he stabbed her 18 times and set fire to the house to cover his crime. Now he lays in a bed, in the hospital while the police wait for him to be cognizant so they can arrest him....3 children start a new life with a great aunt, many family members, friends and coworkers are in stunned disbelief and guilt over the fact that they didn't dig in and know her enough to know what was going on and save her.

It was a beautiful wonderful interactive service. I hugged people I never met before, I heard to get my house in order, I heard that I need to be thankful for each minute and to cherish those in my life. So I'm gonna try. If only cause I think that it would make Dana happy. I need to change something, I can't let this little girl die in vain.


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Latest reply: Jan 29, 2006

Guilt

There is nothing like a 17 year old son to make you truly know what guilt is. This kid is a very good kid. Good grades at school, involved in sports, not any discipline problems really. Oh occasionally he breaks a curfew or mouths off, but nothing significant. He is nice to older folks, he goes to family events when asked and he doesn't mind spending time with his parents. He adores his sister. However he has the ability to make me feel guiltier than if I was caught with a knife standing over a dead body of an enemy. For example, he has a basketball tournament in las vegas. It just so happens that his father's family is all out west. (Las vegas, Utah, California). So we decide to send he and his sister out for a vacation to see the relatives. I am to believe that I have ruined his life. Apparently I didn't ask him if he wanted to go on vacation after the tournament. I didn't ask him if he wanted to see his grandmother who rarely sees him but adores him, or the numerous aunts and uncles who are hungry for pictures and news of these children (yep, from Utah = mormon). These people are wonderful lovely people who have readily accepted me into their family (I'm a nonmormon). I really, on a logical level, believe that it is not too much to ask my son, (my daughter who is 14 is going as well and she is DELIGHTED. She can't WAIT to get the hell away from me!!)to visit grandma. However, according to him, I'm ruining his life. He feels that this is his last summer of freedom (college is looming around the corner) So for the next two weeks I'll sit here, missing them both, feeling guilty for him having any issues, being a bit nervous as they travel without me. Well at least this might give him something to talk about in therapy should he ever need it!

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Latest reply: Jul 20, 2005

I'm back

Not that I think anyone had noticed I was gone, but I'm back. I saw the attacks on London and started thinking of all the people that I missed talking to, and reading about when I left the site a few years ago. My little brother died suddenly (well let me qualify little, he was 36 and very tall) and the world turned upside down. Then my dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons and the world continued to turn. He has recently died and the world turned and guess what??? I'm right back to the spot I was right before Glenn died. I guess the world turns you around all the way to the spot you used to be at.

Anyway.....I thought I'd check back in here, make sure everyone was safe, send some good karma and love over the sea, and hope to reconnect with the folks. I hope everyone is well.

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Latest reply: Jul 7, 2005

Jello

I feel as if I've maligned my much beloved jello. In my home page I seemed to speak negatively about jello. However, I love jello. green red purple blue, jello with fruit, jello with marshmallows, jello plain. Jello in cups, jello in bowls, jello with whipped cream. Jello jello jello! A friend of mine has a fantasy where she makes love in a bath tub of jello. No No No!!!!! That is not jello's purpose! Jello is to feel good going down the back of your throat! Jello is to put in your mouth and then squish out thru your teeth! Jello is made of stuff, I don't know what the hell is, but jello is truly the miracle food!

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Latest reply: Sep 17, 2001


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