Five days a week I masquerade as a librarian.

When the last book is stamped and the doors swing shut behind me, I emerge as a dynamic figure, often seen leaping tall buildings and rescuing trapped fire victims.

I have been known to kick-start a Boeing, swim the Hellespont and strangle a giant squid with my bare hands.

Using only a toasting fork and a small jar of peanut butter, I have more than once foiled the evil schemes of a mad scientist bent on destroying the world.

I have been offered starring roles by Spielberg and Kubrick. I have translated the works of Dickens into sign language. I have won international awards for my knitted costume jewellery and worldwide acclaim for solving the universal parking problem by my invention of the collapsible automobile.

On Friday nights I play pinochle with Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa and Judge Crater.

I know what happened on the grassy knoll, who Elspeth Warner is and what goes on behind the green door.

I can also recite the alphabet backwards and bake choc chip cookies.


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