Journal Entries
Future starts...*tick* *tick* *tick*.....now.
Posted Dec 25, 2001
I've been in a deep and scary depression lately, worrying myself sick about what the future will hold, about potential financial distress given the state of the economy, wondering whether I'd lose my job, wondering what I should do next, too stuck in inertia to take action in case that happens, beating myself up for not DOING anything to get my life moving in the direction I'd like to see it go, worrying about getting older, pissed because the standards I hold for a lifetime partnership might be so unrealistic that I might be terminally single. And there are times when I'd actually LIKE to have someone I could rely on to pick up the slack when I'm not feeling as empowered as I prefer to. And I'd LIKE to have a solid, passionate relationship with someone who wants to build the same things I do, but who has no more interest in game playing than I have, and who doesn't feel that comittments mean giving up being what you are as an individual. I haven't been doing the things I love to do, like writing nutty stuff and painting and playing the accordion and making things with photoshop and instigating controlled chaos. I was starting to seriously fray around the edges, which is a bad sign, because the edges are what I'm good at maintaining even when the inner structure has taken a dump.
So, there I was at a buddha meet the other night. Somebody said something that really hit home. He was talking about having a great next year, about MAKING it a great next year. He said that it all can happen in 2001. Everyone chimed in with "you mean 2002". He said no, that's not what he meant at all. He meant now... the week or so left of THIS year. That whatever causes we make, whatever we set in motion right now is what will determine the way the next year will proceed for us.
Well, to be cliche, a lightbulb went on for me then. I've been sitting here, worrying about life, the universe and everything. I've been putting the majority of my energy into worrying about stuff that might not even happen, and having almost none for the things that bring me joy, that make it so gooood to be alive when my head's on straight. Right now, things aren't so bad at all. That doesn't mean they couldn't be better, by any stretch. But what a colossal waste of time and energy I've been indulging in to wallow in doom.
The really cool thing is that the sense of being so low that I can't seem to claw myself out of annihilating depression has disappeared. *poof* Just like that. I have this feeling that I'm going to start doing the things I've been talking about wanting to do with my life for years, instead of just stagnating in the comfort zone of status quo. This little change in attitude, just two days old, has already shown some benefits. Amazing how that happens!
Happy New Year, to me. 
I think it will be. I think I'll make it be. 
Nam myoho renge kyo.
The Beginning
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Latest reply: Dec 25, 2001
Spew
Posted Nov 19, 2001
Well, this has been a generally s**tty weekend. I'm venting here, so I don't do it elsewhere.
My grandpa died today. That sucks. And it's for the best. And it sucks. *sigh* And I KNOW it's for the best. He was about 90 years old and has been enduring health problems for the past couple of years, and his heart and kidneys finally said enough. He went back into the hospital day before yesterday knowing it was the last time. They stopped treatment for the heart and kidneys and just tried pain management. He couldn't talk the last two days. It took too much energy. He could hardly breathe. I'm glad his suffering is over. I'm sad he's gone. I'm sad he wasn't someone I could get to know. He didn't talk. He's like my dad. No communication. *sigh* He's like me, sometimes. Are we all gonna just die without ever knowing each other? Without ever making any kind of real connection? Are we all just gonna regret that we don't know how? What the hell are families supposed to be for? S**t.
And I feel as if I let someone else down, through not having the right words to say where they needed to be said, even though I know they're in there, somewhere. Why the hell can't I find 'em when I need 'em, for anything other than silly, frivolous things? That sucks. It sucks a lot.
And while I'm at it, what the hell is wrong with me that I can't even follow through on something as simple as getting a real job. Goddammit. I KNOW how. I've done it before. And I'm sooooo f**king leery of putting myself in another job that actually matters to me, because what if I just don't have the background to pull it off? Stupid defeatist thinking... I KNOW that. I've been able to do everything I tried, except waterskiing. But the last one almost killed me. And I don't want to FEEL like a failure again. That might kill me. But if I don't give it a shot, through cowardice, what the hell am I? Ummmmm.... right this moment, loser springs to mind. And that's not really my style.
Anything else, while I'm at it? ummmmm.... yeah.
Following this train of thought, lack of communication combined with lack of initiative, I'm in a FINE position to meet someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, huh? Humph. Once again, MoGgie, soooooo f**king silent when it matters, and soooooo full of bravado when it doesn't. Thank god I have the cat. And thank god I'm so damn GOOD at being single. *rubs crystal ball* Cause I see unrelenting spinsterhood in MY future, if I don't figure out a way through my goddamn communication issues sometime soon. Humph.
That's enough now. Have at it, moderators. I'm not gonna edit myself this time, because if I reread this spew I'll not post it at all. And maybe if I have to look at it tomorrow I'll get the.... courage.... whatever....to take action.
Nam myoho renge kyo.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Nov 19, 2001
Why?
Posted Sep 12, 2001
Last night I sat here trying to organize my thoughts about the terrorist attacks on the US.
I still can't do it.
A friend of mine was walking to work yesterday morning when he saw a plane fly into his office building. He's home safe now, thank God. But so many people aren't. So many never will be. That's starting to sink in now.
I fear that people who have had absolutely nothing to do with this attack are going to be hurt, by our government and also by individuals.
*sigh*
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Latest reply: Sep 12, 2001
I've got mah mojo risin'...
Posted Sep 1, 2001
...on a damn-near full moon night. And it was MAHVELOUS! There's times it's just plain good to be alive, and this was one of them.
After a horrible, bitchy, vile month at work I kicked off my weekend with a friend at Pusser's. Imagine.... an ocean view with the moonlight dancing through the clouds and leaving brilliant sparkling patches on the water, the ripple of the waterfalls surrounding us, the balmy breeze rustling through the palm fronds and kissing the ache from our bodies, seriously divine rum drinks, island spiced shrimp and chicken wings (slurrrrrrrp), and a calypso band playing 'The Girl From Ipanema' in the background. Ahhhhhhhhh.... aura fluffed already!
And then we took a walkabout to Evangeline's... a chunk of N'awlin's on the Fort Lauderdale beach. The bar and the stained glass were imported from New Orleans, were built during the Civil War. They just don't make glass like that any more. Had a jazz/blues band with a leetle tiny girl singer who sang from deep inside her pelvis somewhere. Totally primal, totally awesome. The bassist played a rhythm and melody at the same time in a way I've never even conceived of before. The bartenders were a floorshow. Juggling bottles, mixing layered drinks, bellowing great balls of 151-inspired fire. Marvin did something that could be euphamistically termed dancing that made your heart fly out of your barstool and jitterbug with the aurora borealis. They even had Arbita Turo Dog (which I've been looking for since 1994.) And it was GOOD!
Life's waxing full again, in the tiny moments that matter. Mustn't forget... it's all out there. And it's there to be tasted and sniffed and caressed.
I read something recently that disturbed me. Someone feels every bit of pain and hurt and injustice, from now and the past and the future. And he treasures that, in a way I don't quite understand, while being on a mission to annihilate those things from the world. I understand that in one sense it's a noble thing to disallow oneself to feel any pleasure in the world while others are in pain. On the other hand, to perpetrate the misery on a personal level and deny the potential joy of daily life strikes me as somehow contradictory if you want to alleviate those big painful issues.
*sigh*
Perhaps I'm too frivoluos. Maybe there's something I'm just not getting. But I still think that the more people delight in the moments of their lives, and the more they interact with others in a way which defies the... discomfort? disillusion? angst? of being human, the better the world can be, overall.
Can people who embrace misery spread peace and goodwill? I dunno.
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Latest reply: Sep 1, 2001
Half Moons and other mysteries
Posted Jul 29, 2001
Tonight, as I lazily backstroked across the tepid pool
the half moon followed me
brilliantly suspended in the twilit sky, all alone,
framed from afar by the rosy fire-edged thunder clouds
which glowed with the same light
that illuminated the moon.
I turned and swam toward it.
It drifted away.
It's playing with me.
I thought about the other half...
the side we can't see.
It's there.
It has weight, an equal weight to the bright side of the moon.
But it's more subtle
and mysterious.
Sometimes we forget that without the hidden mass
the moon would lose its momentum, falter in its path
and there'd be nothing to reflect the light,
to make us believe we can reach
for the stars.
And the twilight sky would be empty
except for the distant glimmerings
in the heavens.
Discuss this Journal entry [19]
Latest reply: Jul 29, 2001
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