h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've been in a deep and scary depression lately, worrying myself sick about what the future will hold, about potential financial distress given the state of the economy, wondering whether I'd lose my job, wondering what I should do next, too stuck in inertia to take action in case that happens, beating myself up for not DOING anything to get my life moving in the direction I'd like to see it go, worrying about getting older, pissed because the standards I hold for a lifetime partnership might be so unrealistic that I might be terminally single. And there are times when I'd actually LIKE to have someone I could rely on to pick up the slack when I'm not feeling as empowered as I prefer to. And I'd LIKE to have a solid, passionate relationship with someone who wants to build the same things I do, but who has no more interest in game playing than I have, and who doesn't feel that comittments mean giving up being what you are as an individual. I haven't been doing the things I love to do, like writing nutty stuff and painting and playing the accordion and making things with photoshop and instigating controlled chaos. I was starting to seriously fray around the edges, which is a bad sign, because the edges are what I'm good at maintaining even when the inner structure has taken a dump.

So, there I was at a buddha meet the other night. Somebody said something that really hit home. He was talking about having a great next year, about MAKING it a great next year. He said that it all can happen in 2001. Everyone chimed in with "you mean 2002". He said no, that's not what he meant at all. He meant now... the week or so left of THIS year. That whatever causes we make, whatever we set in motion right now is what will determine the way the next year will proceed for us.

Well, to be cliche, a lightbulb went on for me then. I've been sitting here, worrying about life, the universe and everything. I've been putting the majority of my energy into worrying about stuff that might not even happen, and having almost none for the things that bring me joy, that make it so gooood to be alive when my head's on straight. Right now, things aren't so bad at all. That doesn't mean they couldn't be better, by any stretch. But what a colossal waste of time and energy I've been indulging in to wallow in doom.

The really cool thing is that the sense of being so low that I can't seem to claw myself out of annihilating depression has disappeared. *poof* Just like that. I have this feeling that I'm going to start doing the things I've been talking about wanting to do with my life for years, instead of just stagnating in the comfort zone of status quo. This little change in attitude, just two days old, has already shown some benefits. Amazing how that happens!

Happy New Year, to me. I think it will be. I think I'll make it be.

Nam myoho renge kyo.

The Beginning

Good for you! Happy New Year!

Thanks, and a happy new year to you, too!

What a surprise to see a reply to one of my journal entries! I drop these things here sometimes, and kinda figure that nobody but the moderator reads them unless I point someone in that direction for some reason. Silly me!

Are you enjoying the holidays?

Hehehe, this time you wanted to catch us absent-minded but you didn't !!!
Smooch honey, happy new year !

(And folks, the MoG is one of the greatest character of the whole US, 100%!!)

I thought you'd forgotten all about this place, darlin'. That'll teach me, eh?

Where's that emoticon when I need it? Plenty of leftovers still, enough to last til next year. Meanwhile, have a and happy new year to you too!

Baci!

I had a nice Christmas, with two big parties, and lots of yummy food. I also got Yellow Submarine on DVD, which is a treat. JE

Hey!!! Leave some jambalaya for your friends or are you going to keep everything for you?!
Well, good wine is welcome too if I have to be sincere and don't forget dessert, will you?

I thank God for having some friends like you who spend some time thinking and make you think as well, cause I am already pretty bored of all those speaches about the year of the Dragon, the snake, the new constellation's deployment and the fortune that will come...hehehe!

(smoooching omnipresently)

I'd totally missed the last 2 responses to this. I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking at h2g2 consistently for a while, and I think y'all got burried in the rubble.

Anyway, coming soon (Feb. 12) is the year of the horse. And we're going to have a Chinese New Years party, so I'll make sure to let y'all know where the festivities shall begin. Isn't it great to be able to celebrate alternate sets of holidays?

It's Easter today, a quarter of a year since I started this thread. Happy New Year to me, indeed. I wished it to myself, and my Bulgarian New Years fortune was for happiness.... and I'm finding it in ways I'd never expected.

I was lazing in bed this morning reading a book a friend 'made' me buy last week because she said that I needed to read it. Strange, the timing on these things. The book is Kahlil Gibran's 'The Prophet' and this is what he said to me today, on this day which is a ritual symbol of the rebirth of the spirit.

"And what is it to work with love? It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth. It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house. It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit. It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit. Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the teemple and take alms of those who work with joy. For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half a man's hunger. And if you grudge the crushing of the grapes, your grudge distils a poison in the wine. And if you sing though as angels, and love not the singing, you muffle man's ears to the voices of the day and the voices of the night."

For a long time I've been miserable at work, not because of the job itself, but because the structure there is such that it rewards those with the lowest work ethics and punishes those who accept responsibilities not directly related to making a sale, things like cleaning up after ourselves, putting things back where they belong so they can be found the next time. Theoretically, customer service what we're there for, but in order to succeed we have to hustle as many customers with as little service in as short a time as possible. I call it being a shoe slut. I'm not good at that... it goes against my nature. I'm very good at helping the customers get what they want. So I tend to have the highest unit sales per customer in the department, but the fewest customers and relatively low hourly sales. I've stuck with it because realistically, I've been earning a good bit more than I would if I looked elsewhere for a similar job. And I don't want a similar job. In January, when my feet gave out and I had to cut back to a four day work week for them to heal, the store manager decided to cut my total hours in half, which also cut my income in half. Naturally, I freaked out, didn't know how I'd survive, couldn't go after another job till I was better. Once I assessed my spending patterns and realized that I'd still be able to pay my bills though not have much left over at all, I decided to use my time to do the creative things I've been wanting to do and build the skills toward getting a job doing something that would better suit me. It's been a perfect opportunity, too. All of a sudden I'm really happy... I feel like me again, and not some cheap imposter.

There have been some interesting coincidences at play, all of them working in my favor. They screwed up in handling my transfer from cosmetics to the shoe department (because my former manager was an abusive, counterproductive SOB and I was vocal about it. hehehe I was transferred because they said I'm a rabble-rouser and insurrectionist. An example was made of me, to demonstrate that insubordinate slaves would NOT be tolerated. ) Anyway, because they didn't handle the transfer in a timely manner, they've had to pay me at my former rate (which is faaaaar higher than the other shoe dogs make) and it's not until next week that I can finally be lowered to the wage that I've actually been supporting in the shoe department. And I haven't been looking forward at all to having to spend even 20 hours weekly there for any less than I've been earning... that just made it barely tolerable.

A couple of days ago I went into a place I saw, on a whim, and the first thing I heard was "Hi Britta! Do you want a job?" The manager was someone I'd worked with several years ago, and she's been looking for me. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow morning. It's back in cosmetics (which I really do love) and not at a department store. A family owned company, normal business hours, no Sundays.... if she'll take me on four days weekly, I'm there! YAY!!!! So I'm wishing me bon courage. I have a feeling that in a company like that I can be a real asset... have the pleasure of doing my very best while I'm there, and have that be appreciated, accept responsibility without it costing me my wages, and I am flexible enough that I can pick up an extra day occasionally if it's really needed. I'm comitted to continuing to work part time until my 40th birthday in October, just to have that wonderful opportunity in the middle of my life to explore doing the things I love doing, to see what might come of it. It's feeling too right to give up for a bit of extra cash at the moment.

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter springs was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves itself into your being, the more joy you can contain. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

Had I not been so desperately depressed through the end of last year, I don't think I'd be able to treasure my current happiness in the way I do right now. The memory is fresh, the contrast is soooo clear to me. One of the reasons I'm putting all this here is so I can look at it if things in the future go low again, if I start thinking that it might be for the best just to bring an end to the misery of my existence. Things change suddenly... you can't really predict when that'll be. What a shame if I'd actually gone for a long swim back then, like I was considering doing. I wouldn't be enjoying riding my bike around town, making my pictures, talking to people, working on my stories, getting myself back in shape, growing my garden. I'm living again.

"Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so you must know pain. Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."

Pain. Yeah. The pain in my feet that finally broke me of spending all my energy on a job I don't care for. The pain in my self from not being the me that I love, the pain of not having the courage to BE what I am, to follow my nature. And it took putting myself through that before I finally had enough of it, gave my worries a rest, decided that I don't HAVE to be in control of everything about my future, even the things over which I have no control. Some of my more 'structured' friends seem to be worried that I'm just being lazy, or am maybe avoiding getting a career going for myself. They don't understand that right now, in a way, I'm probably working harder than I ever have for my future. The thing is, everything I'm doing is a pleasure. It's not making me money, but that's not the priority right this minute. I have no idea where it's all going to lead, but this thing I'm building is not for nothing. I'm very sure of that. And I think, going forward I'm going to be a bit more choosy regarding the pains I chose for myself. It's a great way to do some emotional pruning, but I need to be careful not to trim too close to the core.

How funny that I chos today of all days to see what I wrote in this thread months ago. I'm so glad I did, because as I'd previously suspected, I need that talking to myself that I gave me back then.

Life is good, very good. I still have some learning to do though. I need to change me so I can change my surroundings. And I have been, in huge leaps and bounds. It's working. I now have my own business! YAY!!!! And I'm making money at it, loving every minute of it. That's the power of determination, I guess. But the deeper parts of me are harder to change, though I'm confident that I can do it with diligence.

I'm still working at the job I took, though there have been disappointments. My manager has let me down, lied to me and misled me about some pretty important things. She truly doesn't know how to treat people with respect and it's been wearing on me. I'm resentful. And I know that I can't change her. I can change how I react to her, however. It's tough. But I think that's the lesson I'm meant to have from this experience. I'm determined to learn it and learn it well.

So, here I popped. And I reread that bit from The Prophet about doing your work with love. That's what I need. I mustn't hold back on what I can do simply because I'm not benefiting financially from my efforts from it and my manager is. I HAVE to do this job which I love with all my heart, though I've learned to detach myself from it enough that it'll not stand in the way of me making my own business. I need to learn compassion for Joanne. I can't help it that she's bitter, but I can keep that bitterness from infecting me. That's exactly what I need to do. No more energy wasted on anger and resentment. That's my determination at the moment, along with making my own business grow. I know that I'll never be happy at any job I do until I learn this thing.

So it is written, so it shall be done.

Go MoGgie!

Nam myoho renge kyo.

Almost a year has passed since I started this thread and it's time to review this year of happiness and determine what the next year shall be for me. Contrary to my nature, I will NOT beat myself up for the things I haven't done, or haven't done to perfection. (Remember that as you type, MoGgie!) One of my goals for the next year is to broker a deal with myself so I'm not so ridiculously demanding of myself that I set myself up for failure (in my own mind) but still manage to achieve a bit more, work a bit harder for the things I want for myself.

I've made tremendous progress this year, have gotten the depression mostly under control for one thing. And I've been able to start earning some money with my puter, which is fabulous. For some reason which I don't fully understand I've not pursued that as fearlessly as I'd like to, though. There's something in me that still doesn't have complete faith in my ability to support myself through my artistic talent and that's a sad thing. I *know* that I can make good things, things that not just everyone can make. And I *know* that the things I make are things that some other people want or even need. But with this thing I'm approaching it kinda like I do body surfing after I got pushed under the coral reef once upon a time.... now I'll catch the wave but if it's a truly good, powerful one that can carry me all the way to the shore I'll slip right over the top of it just before it curls and sweeps me along with it. Every time I do that I feel a tinge of regret, because once upon a time I was fearless and I'd never give up the rush of the experience because I might just possibly get hurt. *sigh* Of course, that kinda flat-headedness has gotten me banged around a good bit in life, too. I don't need to be brave in ALL situations, but this one, trying to make my own business, I DO need to be brave. Damn. Sure it's scary to think that my stuff might be rejected, especially since it's the kind of thing that comes from the 'real' me. But I'm killing the 'real' me if I don't GO with it. I know, I KNOW! that it's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm good at it. It makes me happy to do it. I've let some extraordinary potential opportunities pass me by simply because I never got around to making a phone call and following up on them. So now, here and right now I have to make a committment to myself for my future. I have to promise myself that I shall follow through on the possibilities that come my way. Further, I need to actively create opportunities for myself. NO MORE SLACKING! This is one piece of my life where I really need to get my shit together and not be lazy. No excuses this time. So that's a determination. A year from now I shall be supporting myself comfortably making these things I love to make, whether it's portraits or paintings or photography or something else I discover along the way.

There's another big thing that I want to change as well. I want to have a good relationship with someone who is right for me. Again, I think it's fear that holds me back from finding what I want and that is soooooo frustrating! Sometimes I wonder if I ever shall find the right person. Not the perfect person, but the right one. My friends all tell me that I obviously don't really want a partner, that it sticks out all over me, my independence, my contentment with singleness, my unwillingness to settle. And that makes me pretty unapproachable I guess. And it MUST be pretty obvious. Even palm readers, fortune tellers, card readers refuse to discuss the concept of me in a partnership. *sigh* Now, it's not that I think they are all right. I'm not that gullible. But there was one who made some surprising and accurate predictions some years ago, and they all came true. She also told me things about my character and my past that were absolutely on target and those things were not the types of things that would apply to even 95% of the population. But she too refused to discuss that aspect of my life. Surely I'm not destined to be single forever? I could, of course. And I'd probably be less bothered by it than almost everyone, but that's not the point. It's not what I want! So, just maybe, maybe that's an area of my life that will depend totally on how *I* manage it, rather than on some kinda weird destiny (which I don't really believe in, anyway) and maybe that's why none of them would talk about it. Because this thing depends totally on me. I'll look at it that way, anyway.

Sooooo.... what am I gonna do about this thing? I dunno. I mean, I'm reasonably intelligent, attractive (though I could stand to lose a few pounds), people like to be around me because I'm not boring, I'm relatively kind and not overly demanding. Hmmmmmm. Perhaps that's a part of my problem there, that I don't like to be demanding. I like to let people do what pleases them (within reason) and not infringe too much in their lives. So I guess that leaves them feeling pretty insecure if they don't think I need them for anything. Crap. But I don't WANT to become a demanding bitch. And I don't want to manipulate someone into having to prove to me that he loves me all the time. I don't want to have arguments or pitch temper tantrums. That's not how I want to use my energy or time. But who knows? maybe that's just me being selfish? There's gotta be a middle path in there somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. I'll have to think on this one because I truly don't know how to proceed here. But I do know one thing, and I've said it before: I can't keep on being so untouchable if I want to have a decent relationship. And I need to be careful when I do let someone at me, as I tend to make really bad choices sometimes. *sigh*

Enough already. I'm boring myself with my whining now. I shall be fearless in pursuing my career and selectively fearless in trying to find the right Mr. Right. I think that about covers it for now.

Nam myoho renge kyo.

ok. It happened. I met the man I've been waiting for. Funny how I know it, but I do. He's not here all the time yet, but he's working on that aspect of things, so I can get on with other things I need to do.

He offered me a miracle on New Years Day and I chose world peace. Now, he's been thinking on that one...not sure exactly WHAT he's been thinking, but he'll let me know when he's ready. Meanwhile, I need to get going on it too. Not fair to make him create this miracle on his own, and anyway, world peace doesn't work that way. It'll come out of everyone, everywhere creating their own happiness for themselves and knowing what that means. Sooooo.... networking time. I think I'm gonna use h2g2 as a tool for part of it once I figure out exactly what I need to do.

Time. I'm pissed at it today. Silly me, eh? I need to figure out how to use it more effectively. I'm frustrated with all the maintenance crap of life right now, it's stealing my time. Laundry, cleaning, dishes, sleeping, grocery shopping... I'm frustrated with work, though not with the job itself. That's gone waaaay good, though we're so desperately understaffed it's not funny. Can't seem to get anything done, or rather, there's a lot that can and shall be done, feel as if I'm spinning my wheels running from one thing to the next, not getting anything DONE. I am, but such a pile of stuff that's not done.

And it seems the only way I can really think clearly is when I write stuff down. And that takes TIME and I feel guilty 'cause when I'm writing I'm not doing the THINGS I need to be doing. And I want to work on my painting , and that's just for me. Has nothing whatsoever to do with the THINGS I need to get accomplished. AAAaaack!

Well, laundry is about done. It's my day off. I'm gonna paint. To hell with the other stuff right this particular moment.

I need to start chanting for discipline and to tap into a vast amount of energy that must be lying dormant in me. And making world peace. And some other people too. I can. I can.

Woooohooooo.... surfing now. The painting today is gonna be good. The light is perfect.

2003:
A very full year, also one of the best yet.

Blaise wasn't 'The One', but he was a one, and very good for me during the time we were together. I hope I was as good for him. Conclusions: Next involvement will be with a man who is already in the midst of creating an excellent life for himself, rather than with one who has the dream of living one. I still tend to blow too much energy into other people, at the expense of not fully developing my own potential.

I had a Great Adventure, got loads of material to work with. I was thoroughly blissed out for a good part of that, and occasionally afterwards, even when things were a bit shaky for me.

Career-wise I am in the process of doing exactly what I want to, and earning a living at it! YAY!!!! My painting and photography are coming along well, and the free-lancing as makeup artist is the perfect compliment to bring in consistent income. I now own my time, which is essential.

On compassion and discipline:
That was chugging along, though I *still* have difficulty with discipline. The most interesting and surprising part of that has been how those concepts have developed in my mind over the past several months. First, I suddenly realized that compassion has to start with me, for me. I'd been finding it much easier to be compassionate towards others, but was still beating the hell out of myself , convincing myself that I was a failure, every time I didn't follow the structure of discipline I'd set for myself. The two things, compassion and discipline, aren't exactly seperate things. Currently I've been working on transforming all those self-destructive mental whipping sticks, which I had thought were discipline, into productive, creative guidelines to help me achieve my goals. It's working much better now.

For 2004:

Naturally, I shall still be exploring the development of happiness, compassion and discipline. For 2004 I'm adding the goals of creativity and good fortune to my agenda. It seems to be the next step to take, now that I'm so much more capable of controlling my reactions to the challenges life throws at me. I think it's a good time now to begin to work on my external environment.

At this point I see that happening in this way: always happiness at the top of my list of priorities. Next compassion, with the tag of transformed discipline to help me fly straight. Those shall be followed by creativity which generates good fortune (cash!)

The Plan:

It's become obvious that my greatest apparent obstacle is fear of success. That manifests itself in a life-numbing inertia where I can sit for days at a time reading rather than making the things I want to make. Sooooo....I think I get caught up in the enormity of starting with nothing and functioning as God of my own little chunk of the universe when I make the committment to create something. So it lies dormant, and I let myself torment me for my inaction. But then, there are other times when I just decide to go ahead and do a little bit of whatever it is I want to make, and I do that bit as itself without worrying about the whole enchilada, much less appetizers, side dishes and dessert. And that works. Those are the very good days. And when I string a bunch of good days together, well, it makes a good week. So I think that's how I need to proceed: through tricking myself into living in the moment, artistically, and ignoring (for the time being) the end result of those streams of moments. Now that I think of it, that makes perfect sense because that's why I *do* that stuff, anyway. I love that feeling of transcendence that I get when I'm in the middle of it... while I *am* it, and while I'm barreling through the cosmic WHEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee! and I'm riding on the am without endpoints. It's mental skydiving... forget the plane, forget the leap, forget the impending landing, and just defy gravity for a while. hehehe. I wonder: is defiance of gravity a form of enlightenment?

*ahem*

The Plan:

complete the furniture
complete the buddha/photo book and submit for publishing
complete the Camping For Cosmetinas book and submit for publishing
make and sell at least three paintings
build the templates for photo/art and get them on website
generate income through mosaicing
develop local portrait business

That's a good beginning, to be accomplished by 1 June, 2004.

Nam myoho renge kyo.

5 Jan 2005

2004 was a strange year, nothing bad, but very heavy. I went into hermit mode, made some good paintings, and struggled with inertia. Most of the things on my list to accomplish are *still* on my list for this year.

I started this year very well indeed, and am filled with a kind of unsupressable energy that I think will carry me through great accomplishments. I haven't felt this focused/calm/vibrant for many years, and I'm finding it hard *not* to use my time productively.

On New Year's Eve I was determined to celebrate alone, in my own way, without bogging myself down in other people's moods. I went to the beach that night to chant. It was the perfect decision. The weather was tempestuous, little squalls blowing through every so often, and the ocean was roiling and churning. I'd dressed for it, so the weather actually felt great, kinda reflected my mood and re-charged my battery. I sat at the top of the ramp to the life guard station with a glass of wine and chanted, loud enough to reverberate through my innards. Nobody else was anywhere around except for a guy who was sitting on the beach wall playing his guitar.

I was thinking about a lot of things, especially about the tsunami and what it means. I thought about how the Earth had let off a great deal of tension, the ripples that caused, and the good things that have come of it amidst the tragedy. Thinking in terms of the Earth and the Universe, and being *myself* a part of the whole shebang, it was as if a tremendous weight had left me and now I'm fresh and free to be, clearly. I hope people will take a moment to look at the positive effects, the way the whole world has come together with such a spontaneous outpouring of generosity and compassion and unselfish helpfulness in response to a great tragedy. And I *hope* that people get it, that that response can be a part of their normal, daily lives without *needing* such a huge stimulus to evoke it. It's another case of Absolute Proof that we aren't all inherently small-minded, self-serving creatures; that we *do* have everything we need just waiting to be tapped.

I had a brief period during my chanting, very hard to describe, when I could *feel* the whole Everything around me, and as a part of me, and at the same time I felt outside it all and outside myself. Very odd moment, as my brain tells me that those are two mutually exclusive feelings, but they happened simultaneously. I don't want to forget that. I was on top of the ramp, looking down the chute of the rails with a small section of beach and then the ocean going every which way without any appearance of structure or order beyond the in-and-out of the waves finally landing on the beach. There were some ships lighted out in the deep water, and beyond that the water and sky joined in horizonless blackness. I felt the topsy-turvyness of it all in my body, but it wasn't scary or nauseating, just exhiliarating. And it was especially invigorating to be sitting up there, in and out of it all, and to keep chanting big enough that I felt as if I was an epicenter through which all that energy was flowing, and I was processing it and directing it back out into infinity.

After about an hour of that I went for cocktails, met some fun people, and came home in time to be working on a painting when 2005 struck. I have correctly set the tone and balance for this year.

New Years Day I went to World Peace Gongyo. Another perfect day, with sunny, warm weather. The FNCC was overflowing with people, a great and powerful chanting took place. After that Erin and I went for lunch at the Tap Room and then I came home and enjoyed the late afternoon knitting in the back yard. Ahhhhhhh.

The next morning was jazz brunch, another perfect day. That night Terry's birthday party. The next day I felt the flu coming on, feverish and weak, so after doing errands early I went back home and mostly stayed in bed so I could use all my resources to evict the juju. It worked! Yesterday I woke up raring to go and feeling fine, got a great deal done in my apartment. *Finally* cleaned some of the cabinets and scary, explosive areas, got rid of a bunch of junk, discovered useful things I'd forgotten I had, and continued in the process of re-organizing my space so it was more functional and less dense. Last night we had book club planning meeting here and it was good. Ahhhhhhhh!

Today I'm back to work, looking very much forward to it as I'll be right down the road and can walk or take the bike rather than drive on I-95 for the next 3 days. Ahhhhhhhhh. This year is very well begun.