h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, this has been a generally s**tty weekend. I'm venting here, so I don't do it elsewhere.

My grandpa died today. That sucks. And it's for the best. And it sucks. *sigh* And I KNOW it's for the best. He was about 90 years old and has been enduring health problems for the past couple of years, and his heart and kidneys finally said enough. He went back into the hospital day before yesterday knowing it was the last time. They stopped treatment for the heart and kidneys and just tried pain management. He couldn't talk the last two days. It took too much energy. He could hardly breathe. I'm glad his suffering is over. I'm sad he's gone. I'm sad he wasn't someone I could get to know. He didn't talk. He's like my dad. No communication. *sigh* He's like me, sometimes. Are we all gonna just die without ever knowing each other? Without ever making any kind of real connection? Are we all just gonna regret that we don't know how? What the hell are families supposed to be for? S**t.

And I feel as if I let someone else down, through not having the right words to say where they needed to be said, even though I know they're in there, somewhere. Why the hell can't I find 'em when I need 'em, for anything other than silly, frivolous things? That sucks. It sucks a lot.

And while I'm at it, what the hell is wrong with me that I can't even follow through on something as simple as getting a real job. Goddammit. I KNOW how. I've done it before. And I'm sooooo f**king leery of putting myself in another job that actually matters to me, because what if I just don't have the background to pull it off? Stupid defeatist thinking... I KNOW that. I've been able to do everything I tried, except waterskiing. But the last one almost killed me. And I don't want to FEEL like a failure again. That might kill me. But if I don't give it a shot, through cowardice, what the hell am I? Ummmmm.... right this moment, loser springs to mind. And that's not really my style.

Anything else, while I'm at it? ummmmm.... yeah.

Following this train of thought, lack of communication combined with lack of initiative, I'm in a FINE position to meet someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, huh? Humph. Once again, MoGgie, soooooo f**king silent when it matters, and soooooo full of bravado when it doesn't. Thank god I have the cat. And thank god I'm so damn GOOD at being single. *rubs crystal ball* Cause I see unrelenting spinsterhood in MY future, if I don't figure out a way through my goddamn communication issues sometime soon. Humph.

That's enough now. Have at it, moderators. I'm not gonna edit myself this time, because if I reread this spew I'll not post it at all. And maybe if I have to look at it tomorrow I'll get the.... courage.... whatever....to take action.

Nam myoho renge kyo.