h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Changing the 5/7/5 changes the rhythm, and makes it something different. Not a bad poem, but not a haiku. I'm surprised I feel this - I didn't think it would matter that much until I read your first offering.

Good verse, as ever, Chai!

Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

Hi Ben,

I'm glad the snails made you giggle, I'm suspicious of too much poetic seriosity.

Pattern-chaser, you're right about the rhythm, and indeed, it's no longer a haiku. What interests me primarily is indeed the way a very concentrated form reflects such precise nuances of feeling/emotion/mood through such minimalist means. Isn't it kind of amazing that the shift of one syllable,( from the second up to the first line ) can have such a totally transforming effect?

C
\|/

A friend of mine has just transported some very splending Roman Snails to her new garden.

She had originally scrumped their reasonably immediate ancestors from one of the local Roman Villas about 10 years ago, and the line goes back unbroken for a couple of thousand years. Aristocratic snails with a fine pedigree.

I confess my reaction when I saw them was to feel hungry, and wonder whether she had planted any garlic in the new garden!

Moving gently on.

Close to being finished but still in progress at the moment: http://www.bethcargill.co.uk/deathandrenewal.shtml#man

B

Indeed... I do rather like this poem. As I may have said elsewhere, such as at your flat last night..

Ben - the latest poem made me feel uncomfortable and ill at ease - and I worried about saying this.
Then I thought about about the parallel between these feelings and those of the person the poem is about. To have felt so completely at odds with oneself and have to go through all the pain and even more discomfort to put that right?

I think it was a brave subject matter to tackle - and I admire the bravery of the person living it.

Waah, Ben. Quite a poem. The only line that rings false is "Cuts of mercy..." The stanza flows even better without it, we understand immediately what the knife is going to do, and the line raises all sorts of irrelevant questions, ( why "mercy" anyway? And whose mercy? Is justice involved here? )

The rest of the poem is awesomely powerful, plain, uncluttered, scarey.

C \|/

A large blister on my heel kept me from walking these last two mornings, so went on long cycles instead...not good for poetry. But yesterday, back to Sandymount Strand, and here's the (modest) result:

More snails....
1
Small spiralled white snails
invade the wet black tarmac,
like mobile buttons.

2
The wind-formed weed mat
wrinkles on the high-tide line -
green elephant hide.

3
Chestnut leaves browning,
fat green spiked balls falling say:
conker season's here.


C \|/

Pictures in words!

Teuchter for commenting it didn't realy hurt that much physically, other parts of my life have been more painful, monthly things even.

Thanks for commenting Teuchter. It is ok if the poem makes you feel uncomfortable and ill at ease, as you rightly say that reflects the experiences of the (situation of) the person it is about, and so it is actually quite cool if it makes people feel that way. Sometimes invoking an emotion is quicker than explaining it. I am going to take this to the Posh Poetry Group on Tuesday: that should be fun. Ha ha.

Chai - thanks -
>> The only line that rings false is "Cuts of mercy..."

You are not the only person to comment on that. What I was trying to convey was that having breasts felt wrong, and that the double mastectomy was actually corrective and emotionally merciful. I may cut the line, but I do want to convey the sense of relief of not having inappropriate breasts. (I love mine, and cannot imagine anything worse for me, personally, than a mastectomy, but there you go).

Incidentally, I submitted Epping Forest to a competition this week, and when I revised it I realised that you were absolutely right. The first stanza needs to go at the end, which is where I put it. It took me a year to get there though.

>> wrinkles on the high-tide line

I was stunned by the pictures in your Gallery, Chai, though I didn't comment. Incidentally, there has been no Irish post for me.

Thanks again for commenting.

B

You'll have to let me know how it goes B, are you going to tell them that it's about a friend?

Have you considered 'longed for cuts'? to indicate a desired masectomy as opposed to a dreaded one?

That's an idea.

I'll let you know how Tuesday goes.

Btw, I cannot make Friday Night, I am staying with a friend for the weekend.

B

I'm dying to know.. in fact if 'borrowing' existed outside of discworld I'd be sorely tempted to try and be a fly.

I knew about that as well. Don't worry 'tis sorted, a lot of people can't make it due to having made plans for the Ban Collie Day weekend so I'm going out for a meal with A instead.

And we wonder why people say we act married.


Incidently if there was a Ban Small Yappy Dog day then I'd be signed up.

Hi B,

Thanks for your comments, and I'm glad that you found mine helpful. Vis-a-vis the "Irish post", I said you'd have to be patient, and I meant it, you will have to be. Don't get your hopes up for at least a week ( if all goes well.)

Cycled again this morning....no poems.

I am the world's only patient Aries!

B

Who could have guessed? A return to my long Sandymount Strand walk was productive. Today's offering:

Slithering black slugs
punctuate the slick footpath
with "virgeuls* de merde."

White yarrow star-burst
galaxies the salt-burned bank
in bright nebulae.

C \|/

* Fr: commas.

My second offering:

Selene's gift of
Star-prick'd velvet calls the blood.
Sodium night-thief.



Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

Chai
The Sandymount of Ulysses fame?

I assume so, Mal.

Chai - I have taken the liberty of picking out my favourites from your haiku and putting them together into an entry: A2955549

Since there is no practical limit to my impertinence, I have put the entry into the Alternative Writing Workshop - the conversation is here: F74130?thread=475319

If you are even slightly displeased, I will remove it from the AWW and delete the entry. But personally I think these are too good to languish in a conversation thread.

B

to true