h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I live in the world of the book that I read,
And the world of the book that I write.
I live in the programs I build in the day,
And I live with family at night.
I live in the world of the things that I dread,
And the world of the music I like.
I live in the blazing light of the sun,
And the moon who's afloat in the night.



Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

And I live with MY family at night.

Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

"I work all day, and get half-drunk at night..."

I like this, P-C.

The scansion is weak on the 'family' line, but I haven't worked out a better way for it to be. It might be fun to play with changing 'live' to 'love' - you can do a lot with vowel shifts.

It is nice to see the moon making another appearance!

Be careful now, you will become a poet if you aren't careful!

B

Hi P.C.,

I'm going to be pickier than Ben. You have chose a particularly difficult rhythm to write in - '' - '' - ''( trochaic, I think, or is it dactyllic??? but who needs technical names.) The problem being that it demands very strict adherence, and very strong rhymes as well, because so much weight is thrown onto the last syllable. Therefore to repeat the rhyme on "night" can fall into the trap of looking like you couldn't find a better rhyme, and were forced to repeat it.

Scansion is also problematic on the line "I live in the blazing light of the sun..." though because "blazing" has such a strong first vowel, it almost counts as two beats. More strictly, you need another syllable. The "family" line is insoluble, without a rather old-fashioned change of word order, or a change of words altogether.

And that's enough lit crittering from me for one late night.

best ignored, probably, but at least you know you have an audience out here.

Cheers, mate,

Chaiwallah

I like the 'night' rhymes - appropriately, it keeps it tight. And 'blazing' may be one of those words which sounds different depending on accent. I had a long run in with someone about scansion onece, until it became apparrent that we were pronouncing 'Australian' with a different number of syllables.

B

Thanks for the kind words, and the well-deserved criticism. I composed this ditty in the shower, and wrote it straight down. I corrected a couple of typos before I posted. I was just using this page to hold my late-night thoughts before I lost them in the mist. I think the verse would benefit from some work; I may even do it!

Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

They say we show different masks to different people and places. I say it's the same mask, it's our world that changes!

I live in the world of the book that I read,
And the world of the book that I write.
I live in the world of my programs in work,
And the world of my fam'ly outside.
I live in the world of the soaps I despise,
And the world of the music I like.
I live in the world of the sun through the day,
And the world of the moon through the night.

This is a different take, but I'm not convinced it's any better than the initial one. Perhaps this is just a spontaneous fragment that must stand or fall in its original form....

Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

"and my family's world at night"?

Just a thought

B

Ok, here's a thing. I have been mulling this particular subject over for a while, and ended up with two takes on it, neither of which I particularly like.

I cannot be bothered to be precious about either of them, so here they are. Comments appreciated, crits welcomed.

B

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I

It used to be
that star-crossed love was young;
the privelege of teenage girls
and gangling adolescent boys:

Pyramus and Thisbe, Tristram and Iseult,
separated by unyeilding parents
whose only function in the tale
is to create the legend
of their children's pain.

Doomed love still exists of course,
but now family duty flows the other way.
The secret lovers
weeping furtive tears
concluding they must part
are Montague and Lady Capulet.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


II (It rhymes, it scans...)

Starcrossed love is like a minuet
danced in darkness, tripping feet upset,
happiness a half-glimpsed silhouette,
all hope askew;
love which brings a lifetime's deep regret
and bitter rue.

Legends tell of parental wrath and threat,
"Iseult's no child of my beget!
"Faithles viper! Whore! Coquette!"
Her father's view.
Gangling boys and teenage girls ill-met,
their love taboo.

Present times it's parents who forget
family duty, playing love's roulette
of secret joys, until the loving net
binds them anew.
Parted now, are Lady Capulet
and Montague.

Applause for both! Dark as ever, Ben!

Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

Hi Ben,

Good to have you back. I really like number two, the formal shape suits the thought much better, particularly as you're invoking Shakespeare's formalities by inference, the formalities of ritualised courtship at that time, etc.

First version, for me anyway, only says it, doesn't really show it.

One thing, version two, verse two:
"Legends tell of parental wrath and threat..." is distinctly awkward rhythmically. Do you want it to be? If not, "Legends of parental wrath and threat..." says the same thing just as well without the awkward syllable. After all, legends imply the telling.

I'm up to my tonsils in ceramics at present. Nothing of note happening on the poetic front, bar the occasional shorty:

Morning Walk Haiku.

Two squealing magpies -
like a rusty barrow-wheel
in need of oiling.

Cheers,

Chaiwallah

Thanks for the comments, guys. I am pleased that the formal one shows as well as tells. I wanted to create a really claustrophobic feeling, hence the choice of what are apparently Burns Stanzas for the form, and hence the restriction to two rhymes.

"Parental" is a typo. The manuscript has "Legends tell of parents' wrath and threat".

Incidentally, you have no idea how hard I had to resist using "novelette" as a rhyme!

There is one thought in the free verse version which doesn't make it into the formal one: "unyielding parents / whose only function in the tale / is to create the legend". The formal one loses the sense of narrative function. In fact the formal one is - oddly - less cereberal.

Odd, isn't it?

B

I think I found the point clearer to understand in the first poem. That said I didn't have a lot of time to read them .

I too thought the meaning was easier in the first, but preferred the more traditional form of the second in context with the characters mentioned.

It would also depend on the sort of collection they were presented in. The first being ideal for modern anthology.

Yes but you needed a lot of cultural backfil to be able to understand it - if you don't know who the characters are then you're not going to get the meaning.

I guess it depends on the intending audience.

Interestingly some people prefer the free verse version, and others the formal version - I have had quite diverse responses elsewhere as well. I may do a third version in a different formal structure with different rhymes, and see what happens.

In the meantime:

http://www.bethcargill.co.uk/afterwords.shtml#grace

B

Today's offering:

SANDYMOUNT STRAND

Today I’d prefer
To take the car for a walk.
Where’s my umbrella?

Sandymount Strand
Is no place to pick things up,
Except for litter.

Is it so stupid -
Taking umbrellas for walks?
Then the sun comes out.
_____________________________________________

A slight modification of the version in my Journal. The last haiku is better for being a question, don't you think?

My haiku for today:

Windows 2K crashed
I am the Blue Screen of Death
No one hears your screams...

I like the haiku, particularly the blue screen of death one.

B