Journal Entries
The Meeting...
Posted Oct 9, 2005
...went well... ish. We spoke for ages about why he dumped me, why he lied to me all of the time we were going out and all that jazz, and then he gave me a hug, and I was fine. On the outside, anyway. When he told me that he wanted to not talk to me for 2 weeks and see how things go, I agreed... on the outside, I smiled, but I'm surprised he didn't hear my heart breaking. Luckily, I was wearing a hat, so I just looked down and cried under the peak of it, so he didn't know. By the time I looked up again, I was fine. He had a go at me at one stage, but I can't really remember why. I just remember him shouting, and me shouting back...
He looked at me really flirty-like at one point, and I just thought: "This is how we should be - together!" but then it faded. We spoke like nothing had happened at some points as well, but then one of us would suddenly remember it wasn't the same anymore.
He told me he still loved me. He said he would never get over me. I hinted at going back out, but nothing worked! And when he hugged me, I felt so safe and just closed my eyes and smelt him, and now all I can smell on my jacket is him, and all I can feel is him in my arms, and I desperately want to turn back time.
I called him a "gaytard", I called him a "bastard". I said I hated him. Nothing worked. I love him so much.
And when he said goodbye, I started walking away, and felt so lonely. I turned round, and saw him walking away, and then he suddenly turned around as well, and I just couldn't help crying. I ran, and I don't care if he saw me cry. I love him, and he has broken my heart.
I'm still crying...
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Latest reply: Oct 9, 2005
Crying My Eyes Out...
Posted Oct 7, 2005
He rang me last night, saying he wants to meet up and "talk it through". I just know though that I will cry my eyes out. I love him so much, and I just want to kiss him again and be happy! I love him more than anything in the world! How can I get him back. My world has crash landed into the moon, and I feel like I am floating away from everyone. I feel so out of it and nothing seems to be bringing me back down to Earth!
I love him (sobs quietly to oneself for rest of the night...)
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Latest reply: Oct 7, 2005
6 hours 30 minutes sleep and hardly standing...
Posted Oct 5, 2005
Never mind ext summer, me and Jonathan didn't even last three months. He dumped me on Monday, for two reasons:
Let me explain...
Friday night, I had a party, and got slightly tipsy (was amazing party though!) and then Saturday night I did exactly the same, but got even more drunk (not as drunk as Jo though, who passed out on Catherine's sofa...), and ended up kissing a lad. The next day, I saw Jonathan and somehow he knew something was wrong. He eventually got it out of me that I had done what I did, and he just said it was fine - that he would get over it, and that it had brought us closer. He said he knew he trusted me not to do it again, and then he went and completely splashed out on me (he bought me a bear from the bear factory, a drink at starbucks and Amy, Lorna and I cookies). We then went back to his house and had the most amazing time.
However, the next day, after he had text me in the morning saying he loved me and he would never let me go, he called me and dumped me. I was (and still am) devastated. I didn't sleep that night, and hardly any of last night. My whole life has fallen apart, and I don't know how I am going to cope anymore. I love him so much and he has just dropped me for one stupid drunken night!
However, this wasn't the only reason. No. He confessed to me that night that he still loved Rachel, and he was going to ask her out. I felt so sick, and threw up three times. I cried all night, and continued crying in the morning. Amy had a go at him, and then this morning, she made me cry again. She told me that she had been talking to him on MSN, and the last thing he had said to her was "Take care of Natalie for me..."
I'm heartbroken. I love him so much and I want him back. I keep expecting him to phone me, or text me, and I feel completely hollow. Lorna thinks that if I phone him, and we talk about it, it will help me to move on. So I might, but not quite yet. Maybe in a month, when I know I will be able to call him without crying!
I cried today in PE. I fell over, and though it didn't hurt that much, I cried all lesson. And my reason? When I fell, I pictured Jonathan hugging me, telling me I was alright. And then I remembered. He wasn't there, and never would be again. He has ruined my life in one phone call. Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?
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Latest reply: Oct 5, 2005
Quitting jobs, what means more and general ranting and raving...
Posted Sep 18, 2005
Jonathan quits his job today. His reason - they're making him work Sundays, and that is the only day me and him can get together. So basically, he is quitting his job for me. The joys. So when he comes moaning about how skint he is, and how he has no money, it will be my fault. Woopdeedoo. Yes, I know, I'm in a very sarcastic mood by the way, so this entry will smack of it! I also feel very hollow - not because I'm hungry, but because I don't know whether to be angry, upset, annoyed, happy, or peed off with Jonathan because of the situation.
You see, he was all up for quitting his job the other day. Then he got to work and the girl he works with burst into tears on him for leaving, everyone moaned, and suddenly he wants to stay. To which I think, errm hello? What is more important - her or me??? So in them cases I am peed off that he could even consider staying. But never mind. He then rang me up and i can't believe he was debating what was more important!!! I just said - "When will I see you?" and that made up his mind. So he hands in his notice today! Brilliant!!!
And now I will leave this entry, as none of it seems to make sense, and I can't be bothered...
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Latest reply: Sep 18, 2005
OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted Aug 30, 2005
OMG and OMG again!!!today has to be the most perfect day in my life so far and I will never forget it!!! Here's why...
Today I went round to Jonathan's house, to hang out and watch a movie etc etc... It was so good - we ended up led on his bed just kissing for hours!!! And just after I had kissed him for ages, he told me he loves me. Like proper love - not luv anymore, but LOVE!!! I was gobsmacked, and my heart just melted! Naturally I told him I love him back, and I do, I really do! He said that nothing could be more perfect then it was, and he was so happy that he had risked everything to go out with me! It just made my heart melt and I know that I really do love him. It's not like my old boyfriend, where he told me he loved me and so I told him I did back, even though I didn't feel that way at that particular moment. This feeling with Jonathan is so powerful and so amazing it is untrue!!! When he kisses me, I still get the fireworks that I got in my head on the first kiss we shared, my heart flutters when he says my name, and I miss him so much it is untrue, even if I have literally only just said goodbye!
I nearly lost him today though - he was messing around and said I was dumped. I new he was joking, so pretended I wanted to get up and go home. I nearly managed, but he looked so upset that I just fell back down and kissed him! But then I suddenly thought - "How could a thought like that even come into his head?", and started telling him I was being serious and I was leaving. I threw his arm off me and everything. But as I went to get up, I looked down, and I could see the tears in his eyes, and I suddenly knew I could never leave him, because I care for him too much to see him upset. I fell back down again and kissed him, but he didn't kiss back, and I got so panicky! I was so desperate for him to kiss me back, and I started whimpering! Why wouldn't he kiss me??? I have never been so scared in my life. But then he kissed me, finally, and I told him I would never leave him, never, because I can't bear to hurt him like that and I love him too much.
We then went downstairs for tea, and in the middle of eating he got up and knelt by my chair - I'm not kidding you, he looked as though he was proposing to me! I couldn't help but laugh, and he just kissed me and told me he would never say I was dumped again. He texted me before, and it said:
"Hi...erm so so sorry! U no how much u mean 2 me, from my face b4,but ill neva do dat again.illneva say those words again,even if u go london,coz i love you!"
My heart melted. He told me he had never felt so strongly about anyone before, and my heart melted again. I don't want to see his face if I do move away to London. It will hurt too much to know I'm leaving him behind. We all know long distance relationships don't work. I doubt it will last beyond next summer, but I so desperately want it to! I'm going to try so hard to make it last... I love him so much!
But we shall just have to sit back and wait and see...
Very happy bunny, luvin u all lots n lots!
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Latest reply: Aug 30, 2005
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