Journal Entries
The village
Posted Apr 4, 2009
I find that I speak a lot in writing. It is almost like I am thinking on a page. So I remind myself that if I do not say what enters my thoughts just because it is there, I must guard against writing my thoughts just because they are there. I have been guilty of this. I am glad it is only in writing. I am taught that to fill anothers ear with the sound of words is rude. So I am normaly quiet. Some see this as rude on the part of my people but it is very polite! My daughter says I am 'laconic'. At first I thought it a great insult against my way but it is not. Now that I know by her words what it is meaning. She said that it speaks of a people now long ago gone and the warrior ullyses came from that place in Greece.I read a book about him in a great war and sailing to so many places when I was a young man and it was like a dream to me to value. It was a very hard book and much of it I did not understand. I was given the use of it by a nun her name was Sister Roseseaphim and she taught us in our village when I was a boy. I liked her. The other nuns were cruel and slapped us for speaking pagan. I did not understand what is pagan, I thought it was another people that were very evil and then my grandfather told all to me. I was confused, 'I do not speak any words but my own, maybe she hears different words from my mouth and the mouth of my freinds, so she is mad.'I am not laconic in writing, is this bad manners? One can choose not to read and it is a quiet thing but one cannot choose to turn his back on a speaker or it is a greater offense than too much speach. Too much speach is a weakness in character to turn the back is an offense of purpose. Also I find that I must be slow and think hard or my words will be babbling to someones ears since I write as I think and try to use good english words for my thinking. Not so much to be very very proper more to be understood of my meaning. I write very proper if I must but it take so so long to think that I forget my thoughts before writing them well. The main reason I have written today this entry is to say how veryvery smart are the people here. I have many good thoughts to read from them. I am liking this very much. Only a handful of people I know have this thinking, usually the elders and maybe one or two of my place. No young men. I like this place a lot now. I always make rabbit trails in my apges. This is not good writing but I write as my thoughts take me and am not of a discipline to be corrected yet. I hope people dn't think me a fool. I do not wish to be any other than a part of the 'community' of BBC. Not a leader just a part most especially not a babbling fool. But I cannot hide my face entirely or I will not be known and people will think that I hide to keep from them evil intentions. That is the only reason to hide except for shame and I am not yet ashamed of myself, people have been welcomming to me.
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Latest reply: Apr 4, 2009
Spring at last and other words
Posted Apr 2, 2009
The days are slow in warming. I welcome the Spring no matter that this year it is slow. The mornings are still in teens and twenties F. The days are in the 30's and 40's though and the sun feels welcome on my bones.The Winter was very hard. Many many nights of minus 20 and minus 30 F. Many days at 0F. It was hard to keep my home warm. My wife cannot live in the cold anymore with contentement. Because of my bones I need to sleep on a bed. My wife needed to sleep in the main room near the stove. The bedroom is not heated but I have never found it troublesome. She hates it though to see her breath when going to sleep. She howles like a critter when she gets in bed by reason of the cold and I must laugh because each time she does this and then strikes my arm and chest for laughter at her discomfort. We slept together only a now and again over the Winter because of the deep cold. I missed her a lot, she also was lonely for my company but there is no room for a bed in the main room. My dog would not sleep in my bed either. He is getting old and lazy. Now I have my wife with me again and I think that this is one reason that Spring is good. My dog wants to be in the bed now too. I told him he must sleep on the floor because he has been lazy. This is the first year in very many that I have not made camp in the Winter. I missed it a lot. A week from the home and from the noise of TV and Radio is good. It lets me think. I got my dog so he can pull a travoise in warm times and a sled in snow. He was made a very nice harness, very soft, and he learned to work as a pup. I explain to him that everyone works and he is no exception from this law. I told him that in working he should be happy since he is helping me do what I can no longer do alone. I thought he would agree but he runs when he sees the harness. He is worthless and does not even keep me warm unless we camp then it is I that keep him warm. He finds it an easy thing to be hungry though and now he weighs over 100 pounds and is still skinny, not too skinny, he is a healthy dog. I don't know why I keep him. I like him though. He makes me laugh and he is a good watch dog so maybe he is not without value. He likes me too I think. My wife gets angry with him because he will not listen to her voice but only mine, but if I speak of getting him away from our home she takes his cause. Last fall we decided to raise animals for food. Money is seldom around and I cannot hunt like I once did. Many times I come home ashamed sometimes after two or three days. I said, I will keep rabbits and then I won't have to find them and they will be helpful for us. Their fur is not worth as much as some but it to will help us. All Winter I cared for them. Even at three or four in the morning I arose from bed and went out to make sure that they had much straw and covered their homes with blankets sometimes. even when it was 30 below zero I would go in the middle of night to check them. One day I found that a little female had kindled young. I was surprised because they will not often kindle in the cold months. I worried always about them. But she was a good mother and pulled her own fur to make the nest a warm place. I thought this was a wonder since it was a very cold Winter and she herself needed the fur. I admired her. This Spring it was to be time to harvest the animals. I was not able to do it. I was for a long time confused that I had a place for them in my heart. Then I thought, it is not like hunting, I cared for these ones and even was burdened for their wellbeing. It would not be natural to take them. It would be against the order that the Creator has made for the world. To hunt is natural and is good order. To kill that wich a person has nurtured like kin, that is an evil thing and comes from a bad heart. So now I have seven rabbits. None can go to the wild places because they are stupid about coyotes and foxes and bobcats and owls and such. They do not even fear my dog who makes no secret that he wishes them to be guests at his table. So now I am at a loss. If I give them away they will be eaten and I knowing this will be their executioner. If they are given as pets they may be mistreated or neglected and it would be better for them to be killed and that one have their use. I have not decided what I must do. I ask the Creator to guide my steps in this dealing. I do not want to do evil.
I have noticed now that the small animals are comming from the deep woods back up into the high places. The deer are spending more time out of the shelters in the pines and the cedar swamps where it is warmer. I even heard birds this morning. Usually I hear only jays and ravens and chikadees but this morning I heard songbirds and was lifted. So I thought about Spring and Winter and what they had brought to me this year. I am hoping that next Winter I will be well enough to make camp again I am hoping one of my sons will go with me. I am hoping also that my dog will stop being lazy this year.
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Latest reply: Apr 2, 2009
Ignorant injun'
Posted Mar 31, 2009
I have let my son read my writing. He says that much of the time I sound like 'an ignorant injun''. He said it is because of how my sentences are made and 'that kind of thing'. I do not want to embarass him, but I do not see why he should be embarassed. Now I feel embarassed and very self conscious. I am ignorant of very many things but I am not 'stupid'. I feel stupid now. My heart telling my mind a lie. They will struggle against one another for a long time now. My son has a master degree. I worked very hard for him. I worked very hard for all of our children. He loves me I am sure but at times I feel less than he is. That is not how the world is to be ordered. It is not how my world should be ordered. The worlds are as they are. When we raised our children it was to be good people and people that would be able to give and not just take. We made them aware of where they came from, but we made them to be able to find their way in the bigger world. I made them to be curiouse about all things and for an example to them we played a dictionary game at night when school work was doone. They learned a lot. I learned a lot, it was easy for them but not for me. One year we had no money for Christ-Mass gifts. I made all of our children bows and arrows and quivers and braces. The arrows had bird tips so no one would be stabbed. They also were given pouches for the sons made of elk and bear. bags for the daughters made of deer and with beads and quills. They were smaller then and had very much joy for the sake of those gifts. More happiness than with all the other things that were received. My wife was happy too and I was also happy. Now they seem to not care about things like that. They are of no use to them. They are of no use to me since they are only shadows of before times. But they are valuable to me, not to them. I cherish my great grandfathers hunting bag and the tomihauke he gave to my grandfather and he gave down to me. That is almost all that remains from my fathers. My grandfather gave me a shotgun for my telve years, my father was very unhappy. My father died the next year and so I was sent to live with my grandparents. There was too much in the home for my mother and I was oldest so I was chosen to go. I did not need my mother anymore like my brothers and sisters. I made money making furs and gave it to my oldest sister for the rest of them so my mother would not spend it on drink. I hate drink! I have many small things too that are large in my heart. My father decided to move us one day and he worked in the lumber mill. He was not at peace there. He did not fit in the place and he sometimes wept when he drank and it was late and we were to be sleeping. It made me ashamed that he did this thing. Still I loved him and I know then that he gave up his right place to give me a place that he thought was better. Now I feel that I am like him. I have somehow slipped from my path and am out of my time. I can't remember how I let this happen or if it just happened to me. I know now that my father mourned a great loss. I am between two places now and have lost nothing. But I feel that I myself am lost and so I wait to be found. This all makes probably no sense. I write to empty my heart because some one will see the words and I will not be alone . It is a bad thing to be lost alone, not so bad to be lost with others even if they cannot tell me how to find my way. I will not speak of these things to my wife, I am not so weak and she may see me with those eyes, also if she finds me lost she may also think she is lost when she is not, for now she is happy. Does this make sense? Again I have made rabbit trails and will go back to the start. About shame. I feel less shameful now that I have written. That is a good thing. I may feel bad again later. The journal is like companion to me, though it is silent as sometimes a good companion will be. I will ask my eldest daughter to show me how best to write and then no one will judge me in that. My son will not read these words again. I do not think any of my children will. It is too hard for them. I will also be very careful in reading what others say. That way I will write as they do and be as one of them.
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Latest reply: Mar 31, 2009
People and the village.
Posted Mar 30, 2009
I have found that there are some nice people here. Very understanding and patient. I feel that I will like this place a lot. So far from my looking around everyone seems upbeat and cheerful. They are leaving the regular life behind or are just very content? I feel that in comparing myself I am seeming morose in nature. I don't feel morose. I observe what others say here and they present satisfied life. I am not too unsatisfied. I used to be very content and in harmony with my place. Now I am changing but it is slow and I don't notice until the change is made. Like seeing the same coyote family two years ago, over time the pups are weaned and are playing further from the mothers eye. They are larger and then mother one day hunts with them. They are much larger now. One day they are grown and go away. It feels like they were still pups only a few days before. I know that it was a slow and steady thing but it is not recognised by me until suddenly then I feel a kind of smile at them and their place. I sometimes feel the same when I watch my grandchildren play. Suddenly they are speaking and I feel a smile, then they are making pictures for me, then they will want to know all about things when we walk in the forest. My oldest grandson is my treasure. He and I have walked together one another alone in the woods since he was two. We used to hold hands and I felt content. He wanted to hear the story and know how it was to be seen in the tracks and sign on the trail. "Feild mouse scurried across this place later fox came along too. Fox hadn't noticed Mouse until comming to this place then Fox began to follow. Mouse was unaware. Fox may not even care about mouse since he was dragging something with him. Maybe this is always his path. We cannot tell yet. To see what happened we need to follow the trail". That is how I told the trail stories. My chidren call the stories "Possum tails". Last Fall we saw an otter playing in the water. My grandson was amused. I was also amused. When I was a young man I would not have been amused but would have watched to learn his ways. We watched for a long time. No story. The story would break the harmony of the moment. When my other grandchildren are grown enough I hope that they too will be interested in the good worlds around them and learn their way through them. They all live in cities now and I do not know if they will care. I have strayed from the path I began. I wanted to talk of the people here. So it always is. Perhaps I am becoming to relaxed and comfortable here. I must remember that others may read what is put here and may not like to follow rabbit trails.
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Latest reply: Mar 30, 2009
The wheel
Posted Mar 29, 2009
Today I cooked dinner for my mother. This is something I do every Sunday but only rarely on Saterday's. She is no longer vable to cook nutritouse food for herself. I speak to her each day. She nearly went over this past Winter. It was just the flu but it was nearly fatal to her. It reminded me of when I explained to my small children that the reason so many markers in the cemetary were of toddlers and infants was due to a lack of medicine. My mother is almost at a point where she is unable to care for herself and already I find that I do more and more in seeing to her affairs. I find joy in this but sadness too. I speak to my daughter every night. She lives almost two thousand miles away and I worry about her always. Though she is a grown woman stil she is my child and the youngest of eight that I have raised. She sometimes complains that I want her to call every night but she secretley likes knowing how much I care. Her freinds think it is sweet. I try not t nag any of my children. I have a sliding scale of interference that works with their age and ability to be independent. They are all independent but are twenty two to thirty four in age. By thirty I make a policy of not offering my opinions on their actions or plans unless asked. I am asked frequently and think this is a blessing. I think tht they will raise their children the same. One day they will take care of my wife and myself, but only when we need to. It is I told them natures way of calling one home when we no longer are aware of our surroundings and lose control of our bodies. They understand. When the time comes I hope that I am able to recognize it. I will walk to the woods where I have always loved to hunt and fish and camp with my dogs. Then I will watch the animals and listen to the forest sounds and wait to be called. I think this is right for me. I think it honors those who have gone before me and it takes away the burden frm my kin. I am not sad to think of the wheel except that I think how long it will be until the ones I love join me. I hope my wife passes first because to think of her greif and pain if I go first saddens me very much. I will have much company of freinds that have already gone and my kin from the long past so these are not morbid thoughts to me, only thoughts.
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Latest reply: Mar 29, 2009
johnredbear
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