h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Arpeggio has been helping me with advice on how to cope with my son. We've had a good week, I've kept the noise in the house down to a very low level, I've even tried to *think* like he must do.
This morning I felt confident enough to mention something to him that would normally send him *off on one*.
He went ballistic.
I sat there and the tears rolled down my face, Andrew noticed but he looked away.
I dressed him, gave him breakfast, put him in his taxi for school, kissed his forehead, as usual.
He totally ignored me, uttered not one word.
I wonder if he does appreciate me, in his own way.
I wonder if I am doing things right, I am so full of self-doubt.
I fear if anything ever happens to me, what will happen to him?

I know he couldn't cope in the outside world.
I don't want him to end up in an institution.
But I need to know the world will be safe from HIM.
Oh the agony.

~AGB~ 19th June, 2001

Dearest Archangel Galaxy Babe,

I know this is terrible for you . You are incredibly courageous and you know what it is, both to love and to suffer. We honour you. We are honoured by knowing you.

This haiku is about all the paradoxes of growing and learning, and how much it hurts. It was originally written about mastectomy, but it has much wider meanings. We give it to you, as a way of saying 'we know, and wish it were not so, but this is universal'.

--------------------------------
Which Is It?

Liberation's cost
entwines inextricably,
vine-thickly, with loss.




©2000 J Louise Dwight-Jones
Leïlah el Khalil Zendavesta, MAR
--------------------------------------------
(Your postings under sperm-donor were referred. Would you like to email them, instead of worrying about it? [email protected])

Thank you so much.
I know about the other matter.
I am coming over to talk about it.
This morning Andrew was fine.

The difference in me is unbelievable.

Another good morning!
He was good last night too.

How old is he?

AGB

Two good days in a row. How long does he usually go? If the quiet and things are helping him, that is really super news.

And you said the difference in you...? As they say in the psych biz, 'Say more about that...'

We are happy, knowing things have been a bit better. We have been very concerned. Drop in and let us know what's happening, even if all you feel like doing is making small-talk and being silly.

you!

Arpeggio and Kassandra, for LeKZ

Niwt - Andrew is 8.
Kassandra and Arpeggio - Tonight was a *bad* night.
He's been up & down all night & won't settle.
It's gone 11.30pm here & he is still awake.
I'm so drained.
I did feel good, yesterday & the day before, because he was behaving.
*sigh*

~AGB~
(*
*courtesy of Argon0

Sweetie,

He may be sensing your diSTRESS level.

No, let me rephrase: if we can sense it from 7 time-zones away, he can probably see, taste, and smell your distress level.

This is the part where you contact your regular doctor and ask for a two-week supply of low-dose long-acting tranquilisers (recommend .5mg tab of clonazepam [Klonopin], which you then break in half and take only .25 mg at a time - you are a set-up for tranq-addiction right now. These meds don't make you feel 'high' or 'good', but they will interfere with the distress signals A is getting. They are, as this class of drug goes, lowest on the abuse-potential scale, and low on the habituation-escalation scale, because of low lipid-solubility and a long metabolite half-life [that's for you to memorise in case the doc is reluctant...]}.

You must calm down, by whatever means necessary. Alcohol is not one, because it has dis-inhibitory properties. What sort of thing works for you?

As visible as your distress is from here, and as sensitive as A is, think of it as the fire brigade and the fire in your house, happening at him. Of course he can't 'behave' -- he's got way too much stuff INHISFACE.

Valerian root and verbena tisanes are relaxing.

Grasping at straws for the solutions, but we are positive that is the problem, because we remember... oh lord, we remember how BIG the female parent's distress/stress was in our head all the time. And we did have an emotional frame of reference. A does not.

We're right here. We'll help you work something out, if we can.

Love you

Kassandra and Arpeggio, for LeKZ

I had no idea.

What works for me?
A hug & a kiss.
A mug of
Someone to talk to.
If I don't have any of that {except for the which I have 6-months supply of} then I have temazepam sleeping tablets.
I only take them when I get nightmares though, as I don't dream when I've had a sleeping tablet.
Last night I was posting late for me on here.
I got angry and upset.

Xanatic upset me at my "eclipse" thread.
So much that I reacted the way I don't normally do.
He is a troll using the words "freedom of speech" to blunder in and wreck a perfectly nice, friendly thread.
I don't normally get upset, or if I do, I walk away & go do something else. There is always housew*rk to be done.
Thank you.

As they say in N'Yawk, there's one of those everywhere you go. The sense distress and home in on it in a cyber APD way, and make whoever is feeling the most vulnerable feel downright rotten.

[This is Guido, and I'd be happy to hunt dis characta down for youse, and maybe re-arrange its face, for bodderin a friend of ours. Not smart bodderin anyone we care about. Nope, not even a little smart.]

(Guido's protective that way, but we're advising against everything, because online trolls have the protection of online anonymity, and here, you just have to let them escalate all the way into Moderation...) Guido, re-LAX already!

[ Like Archangel GB *needs* more stress?]

It probably released some to blow up at someone. You, on the other hand, we don't need dragging our butt into this...

[I *do* Avery, but dis is pixxing me awff. Don' MESS wit our FRIENDS.]

(He's like that. You are perfectly capable of looking after yourself, but he gets protective.) Thank you, Chief Johanssen.

{No problem. Tell your friend anybody bothers her again, I'll see to it Guido gets there, rather than restraining him.} Consider her told.

___________
Oy .

You probably need a psychotherapist of your own, dear. Just being a single parent to a child with behaviour problems is more than most folk can handle without support. If you have temazepam for sleep, (though you do not use it regularly) then you know a little about how benzodiazepines work, though temazepam is the most sedating, obviously.

Clonazepam in .25mg doses, not to exceed four doses in 24 hours is a really minimal dosage, and it could interfere with any *static* Andrew is picking up. NOT something you have to do, by any means; this is a suggestion for the times when he seems to be escalating for no *obvious* reason, and you are having trouble coping. It would also verify how much of what is wrong with him has to do with your frame of mind. The danger of liking these drugs too much is outweighed by the urgency of the situation. Besides, those of us who grew up with 'Mother's Little Helper' know the Valium family of drugs are gnarsty, and not to fool around with them.

Otherwise, we recommend yoga/meditation/crossword puzzles or other quiet activities - definitely over housew**k. The maternal parent had a way of making a certain amount of noise (not consciously) banging around slamming things and crashing things, when she was upset (a virtually chronic condition with her) that made us put pillows over our head and sleep until 1600, just to not have to pick up the way she was vibrating at us. She had no self-control, and wanted to be the centre of attention.

You are not like that. We recommend getting off the computer, getting youself a mug of hot and practicing breathing, deeply, like so:

Inhale for at least 6 seconds. Exhale for as long as possible. Inhale for at least 6 seconds. Exhale for as long as possible. Keep doing this, counting off the seconds in your mind, and lengthening the breaths, consciously, and not minding *anything* right now, because you are *breathing*. Listen to your heart beat and count seconds and fill up with new air, and blow away old, used air. Sit straight (like a dancer, not like a Marine) and give your neck and shoulders a conscious drop, on every inhalation, until this becomes habit. Visualise yourself blowing your internal noise out, breathing in the fragrance of the and comfort, and safety. Blow the negative feelings away and out of the house. Breathe in the love and positive things you know you have.

Practise this, sometimes for as short a break as you have, and other times *make* the time to do it. It sounds simpistic. It is not. It does very good things for your brain and blood chemistry. It is simple to do, and even simple to become capable of doing unconsciously. It is the basis for all Yoga (though Yogis don't use the psych jargon ).

My we're . Hope that helps. He's also been sensing your emotions etc for his whole life. If you are flashing back to the Year from Hell, he probably is, too, and he has no idea why.

I still encourage you to get professional help with all of this. Biofeedback is also useful at these times. Talk with your Health Worker about a therapist or support-group for you, and psychiatrist and child psychologist for A.



Kassandra, for LeKZ

Been practising my breathing all day.
I've spent the best part of the day with him.
But he still played up & wouldn't let me watch tv after I'd put him to bed.
He insisted he wanted to watch a video on my tv, because mine is bigger than the portable in his bedroom.
*sigh*
11.30pm & he was still awake, throwing toys at his door.
So I came & logged on here, even though I'm dog tired.

At least here, there's people to talk to.
Before I found h2g2, I used to phone the Samaritans.
I wasn't suicidal, I just wanted someone to talk to.
There's a discussion going on at Askh2g2, about a case where two 10 y.o.'s {8 years ago} abducted and murdered a two-year-old little boy from a shopping centre.
They bashed his head in with bricks, stripped him & put his body on a railway track.
The other stuff they did wasn't printed in our newspapers.

I can guess.
There's a whole country divided now, because most {like at the thread I just mentioned} want the young men {they are full of testosterone now!} rehabilitated as they were "just children" when they committed this unspeakable act.
You may or may not have heard of this crime.
But it made headlines all over the world when it happened.
I fear they have the personality disorder you described to me, the "detached/unattached" - would you believe our Government has provided them with 24-hour round the clock protection? And given them new identites? And a place to live, and money in a bank account?
Apparently they are not "free" they are on licence, that is, if they do anything wrong, they can get hauled straight back to prison.
So they are going to be "monitored". At a cost of millions of pounds of taxpayers money.
Oh yey.
Well I've just been there & said my piece.
I will never forget the poor baby's mother's face.
You look at her now, a woman older looking than her years & see her pain.
She now fears for the safety of her other kids, knowing that her son's killers are walking the streets.
I bet so are many other mothers.
What a justice system!
I am trying not to think of my own problems, concentrating instead on the inner self, giving myself a cleansing ritual.
I am going to take up Yoga, and meditate.
Not keen on the tranquilisers idea.
But I will talk to my GP & Health Visitor. I like her, it was her who pushed for Andrew's statementing and diagnosis. The first "official" who listened to me and believed what I was saying. I trust her and my GP.
I may even get a psychologist recommended, and I am also going to enquire about the family therapy which I know is on offer at the hospital in my neighbouring town.
Going to bed now honey & going to try to sleep.
Goodnight.


Take care now

My post at that thread was moderated!
Yet the person who posted after me, {The Apathetic} said much the same thing!

I think I'll walk away before I get really angry.
Goodnight honey

Dear heart,

Feel free to skip rant, and read the actual note, at the bottom.

<---------------RANT ALERT-------LONG POST WARNING---------->

<> There are reasons we stay away from the headlines. Yes, those 'children' were wholly unattached. The idiotic stereotype of coupling the words 'innocent' and 'child' is actively *dangerous*. As you said, that mother fears not only for her other children, but also for every other child alive in the UK today. So she should. We'd add adults, pets, livestock, and wild animals.

We're not going near that discussion thread. Nuh-uh. That's a good way to go ballistic and *stay* that way. We have to put our safety ahead of 'educating' the ineducable.

What is so idiotic is that someone is obviously not talking to someone else: there is NO rehabilitation for infant sex-criminals, murderers, etc. There is none even if the most violent thing they do is kick stray dogs. Once they are *there* they STAY there. Now, they have adult, fully grown APDs at large, with a history of incarceration and yet more rage. So the Criminal Justice system says 'rehabilitate'? It isn't POSSIBLE. Evidently the CJ system does not know much about criminal-psych. They have the sane human's desire to not see horror, to run and hide, in their favour. Criminal-psychology is not a *rewarding* field.

The 'good' news is there is no way these two will *not* try to kill again. Violence, as a source of pleasure, is as addictive as anything else, and UCS/APD are notoriously addictive obsessive/compulsive and repetition-compulsive. They'll be back to visit the scene of the crime, and their arses will be back behind bars fast enough that they don't have time to be too much of a danger to society. The only question is who has to die, or have a permanently traumatic brush with death, to get them locked down again, forever?

Charles Manson has been eligible for parole for something like 25 years now. The State of California is lenient. They're not totally stupid, however. On some technicality or other, the Parole Board just declines. Every few years, they go through the motions and his parole is declined again.

It is because we *understand* APD that we are not an anti-death-penalty activist. No, it helps no one, to have the State officially murder someone. But society has just not evolved to the point where we know what to *do* with criminally insane people, and APD is the definition of criminal insanity. Should we house them ad infinitum, while people who have done no harm starve in the streets? How can that be 'right'? Should we cut education budgets to build more long term, max security prisons? We don't know that those questions have any 'good' answers. We do know that the world does not know what to do with APD. And any *one* APD can become the cause of unbelievable suffering, for countless people. This body's father (probably) had as many illegitimate children as he did teeth (counting us, we know of 4). Not all of them were the products of consensual relations. The first one, he sired at the age of 14. We were born illegitimate. There were later children. How many of them were unattached, because unwanted, or because mum didn't have any good feelings about the creepy sob who sired them, and saw his face in their little faces? <>

We have the same clean-slate laws here in the States for juvenile offenders. More and more, younger and younger kids are being tried as adults, because they committed adult-level crimes. More and more, people are reluctant to let kids who are *known* mass-murderers, go through even the max security Juvenile Offenders system, because they are dangerous to, and examples for, the other kids. We believe this is right, and as it should be, only because there is no better alternative. If a six year old commits a carefully planned murder, that 6 year old is only going to get *worse*. (We *think* the youngest person to be tried as an adult, over enormous protest, was 9 -- hell, if he -- it was a boy -- did something heinous enough -- and he did -- try him as an adult!) <>

No one wants to believe that 4 year old girls can commit intentional murder, or be deliberate, hard-core recidivist sex-offenders. No one wants to believe that *adults* can do, and do the things adults do. Why take blinders off, when it's so much more comfortable to look away. The kids are not born that way, but they are predisposed that way within weeks (some say hours) of birth. If left untreated, this is too dangerous for society and everyone in it... No one wants to believe that there are known, proven-to-be-intentional suicides among toddlers, either. There are.

If it is horrible, and imaginable, someone has done it -- probably for profit. Cynical? No. We were there, that's all.

<---------------END RANT------LONG POST ALERT STANDS------->


<>
Okay, we had to spew, that's all. We couldn't read that and not react.

The breathing will help keep you present, and aware of yourself, and centred, and all that good rot. It is one of the reasons we sing.

We also think it would be a good idea to track Andrew's moods and his FOOD. He may simply have some food reactions. Everyone knows sugar makes kids hyper... and you can't refuse him his sugar -- except, you can, though it costs a bit. There are many confectioners who now make and other sweets for diabetics. If you start keeping those about, and g-r-a-d-u-a-l-l-y move from ordinary sugary stuff to the diabetic-safe sweets, he will have those, or none. He'll get used to them. It can't hurt anything except your budget -- and that not by much. Sugary carbonated bev are another problem, because of quantity of caffeine. There is such a thing as caffeine-free diet Coke. The trouble is that Nutrasweet is a gnarsty chemical, and with his brain-chemistry as scrambled as it probably is, that is not something we'd want him having... even if there is almost enough sugar in a Coke to precipitate out. (A couple of cupsful in every litre .)

Charting is really useful. Food, sleep, what the tantrum was about, how long it lasted, anything unusual in school, anything unusual, period. You'll know him better if you make a conscious effort to chart -- even if it's just jotting down in a pocket-calendar 1425: A wants ice cream - none in house. Tantrum 1350-1415. Used 'xxxx', and 'xxxx' words and gestures.

Another idea: Make a scale for yourself, of behaviours/symtoms, and how you define them, like so -

Agitated: tense, no eye contact, monosyllabic speech, seems fearful
Anxious: self-stim, withdrawn, edgy, nonverbal
Angry: loud, verbally abusive, physically hyperactive
Furious: above + menacing, hateful
Ballistic: above + destructive to property or attempts
ICBM: above + destructive to self or attempts
Over the top: above + physically violent or attempts
Scary: WORSE
Dangerous: MUCH WORSE

That was strictly as an example, and you need to define the terms specifically, in terms of Andrew's personal behaviours. This will allow you to have the shorthand to make observations: Did not tape Earthworm Jim. A furious 2 hrs. 6 hrs later still agitated.

Make sense? Dear, we hope that some of these things are helping. We're so worried about you and him, and all the things that could/might/probably won't but... happen.

TTYS. Hope you slept better.

Love and Much

Kassandra (with help) for LeKZ

Good morning!
Andrew woke me with the dawn chorus, he had approx 4 hours sleep?
A few more hours than me, I was psoting here till 2am.
My kettle won't get cold all day.
Don't remember dreamind, at least I didn't wake in a cold sweat!
He is at the side of me now, with a book of raffle tickets, ripping them out & sticking one to a toy to "be a prize" and the matching ticket being folded {instead of scrunched} and placed in a bowl.

It's keeping him amused while I post anyway
The reason I mentioned the case above is because I didn't know if it was relevant.
The murder was actually committed when I was 8 months pregnant with Andrew.
I can remember the horror of hearing that the child was missing/found murdered then later the mind-numbing horror of hearing that two ten-year-old boys were in custody on suspicion of the crime. At that time, I have a son who was then aged 9. A boy who was so sweet, so quiet you hardly knew he was around, who missed his daddy and disliked his "step-father". The horror of that case for me was very real.
I know I got emotional in my postings last night and I have not yet looked to see if they have been put back. There was one other post removed, by Colonel Sellers. He was also annoyed.
Do you know if they have criminal psychologists on parole boards?
I don't have a clue about the justice system.
You mentioned Charles Manson, above.
We have a similar case here, with Myra Hindley.
This is the most hated woman in Britain.
She procured children for her lover, Ian Brady {who is in a secure mental hospital}. He raped and murdered them. Some of those children's bodies have never been found. every year she applies for parole. Every year it's turned down. She's been in jail over 30 years. She didn't actually kill anybody. The do-gooders who visit her and provide her with cigarettes say she is a Christian and a reformed character who should be released. The do-gooders get villified in the press. You will not find many people within these shores who want to see her released back into society.
I agree with you about *who*{?} has to die to get the two killers locked back up.
But I fear they will be clever enough to entice girls into bed, father children...many children....and so it goes on.
Of course if I were to say "shouldn't they be chemically castrated so as not to be able to rape or father children" I would be branded an inhuman monster.
I am the first person to stand up for human rights.
But we should first of all take the rights of the victims into account, then deal with the perpetrators of the crime.
I also include "future victims" when I speak of victims.
The list goes on.
Like begats like.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I do keep charts of Andrew's behaviour for the school.
I do know what triggers him and what foods/drinks to avoid.
That was all sorted quite early.
He is obsessive with his videos.
If he has a tantrum, I tell him that I will take away one video until he stops. He gets worse and worse, but I have to stick to it.
The next day, I am still emotionally drained, and he acts like nothing has happened.
He is all sweetness and light, comes for a cuddle and asked for ***video. I say "Have you been good at school today?" He replies "Yes". I give him the video.
Things are ok until the next thing to upset him.
Then he will smash the treasured video in his temper.

Oy vey.
I will post here as Andrew is bugging me for his breakfast

Mmph. Mor'n both of Archangels Galaxys Babes.

Where's the focus knob on this fxxxxxxg monitor?

Yes, they have criminal-psychologists on Parole Boards, but they can't overrule the law. They can say: Look, this person will kill someone within two hours of being loose, and is sneaky enough to keep it up for several months before we catch her/him again. If the prisoner has been 'model' and they often are, and the law says they have earnt Parole, only someone like Charlie Manson (or that appalling woman you named) gets kept inside. In their cases, it is also a matter of protecting *them*. Everyone in the US, save maybe people born after 1990, knows what he looks like. (The swastika tattooed on his forehead is a bit of a give-away). He'd be lynched in no time flat if they let him out.

That's why the government is spending all that money giving those two 'boys' new identities, and keeping an eye on them.

Y'know something, since sex-offence, like arson, is addictive, castration/hormones etc does not, per research, put a dent in the habit. Sex-offenders who don't have the wherewithal just use objects. It's a crime of *violence* and the sex aspect is far less relevant than most people believe. The recidivism rate among paroled/released sex-offenders is something over 70%. The same is true of arsonists.

Addictive, escalating criminal behaviours, and in APD, homicide is also addictive and escalating. They do it because it's *fun*.

Sadly, very very sadly indeed, the case you mentioned is not just relevant: it's simply the worst-case scenario of how Andrew *could* turn out, if you did a lot more things wrong, or if some other trauma happens to him, or if he discovers violence against living creatures is *fun*.

*Watch* him around animals. Don't get a pet, but if a neighbour has one, watch him. What kind of fascination is he showing? One of the early-ish symptoms of DANGER is violence toward animals, and no remorse, or really any feeling except possibly irritation at having been caught. Don't get a pet, ever. If he decides he doesn't like it, he'll destroy it. Then he'll escalate. All APDs are psychological addicts of several things, including repetition-compulsions, sexual behaviours, neatness, counting, fire-setting, memorising lists, violence, arranging little rocks in order... you name it. The same holds true, but not as 'addiction' per se, for autistic and AS people. They are usually too withdrawn to become violent, to the point of being dangerous to society, except and unless they were abused as well as being *different*, or have some other reason for developing APD.

Andrew has the potential to be his SD, only lower on the social-function scale. He'll learn to make the right social faces, though, as he gets older. BUT at the moment, there is nothing that says he must go that way. It is potential, not fact. He has not got into a habit of hanging people's cats by the neck, for *fun*, or wringing birds' necks, or tormenting caterpillars (I hope) even.

With swift intervention, he's likely to end up somewhere like David's son, just on the edge of the law, and the margins of society. You're doing so much. And all you can do may not be enough, but it still may.

THAT is why I've been leaning on you so hard about the SD. It is not just Andrew whose future is at stake here.

I need to go for a few hours. I'll be back later.

Glad you do all that charting.

Love,
Kassandra, for LeKZ

Still composing my thoughts on this...
I have to go do my food shopping then I'll have a bit more time when I return.
It'll be a long post!


~AGB~
(*
*courtesy of Argon0

It's small comfort I know, but

You're doing the best you can, and that's all that can be done. No matter what happens to Andrew, he'll be a lot LOT better to how he'd be under the care of practically anyone else. You're doing a whole lot of good here, though it might not feel like it, and you'll get rewarded for that.

With love,
-Martin

Thank you!

Have somewith me.
Anyone for?
Have a

Hullo. Look, new smileys... where are they? Clicking one takes me to the old smiley page.

AGB, Lucinda's right. I've been so driven by anxiety that I haven't stopped often enough to say some equally true and important things:

Your love for Andrew is precisely why he is in as good shape as he is, that and the care you have spent so much energy taking of him and his needs. He may yet be all right*. I've been focusing more on what /could/ go wrong, because those are things people don't get told, and don't want to hear.

Mike said he works with kids like that, and comparitively A is just not so bad. A is a lifeful for you, but you do not have the basis for comparison (other than SD) on which to judge. A is only 'not so bad' because of YOUR work, love, dedication, energy, and care.

Please regard much of what I say as 'ways to avoid the worst case scenario', or as me insisting you look at what all can go wrong in order to be able to avoid it. I have never spoken at such length with a parent, because all the other parents who have presented me with information on the subject elicited the response 'insitutionalise and do it now'. I have felt no need to say that to you, because A is so well off where he is, and is not a danger to you, and may never become one. These things are your doing.

You are not inclined to bury your head in the sand. The times you've tried, I have tried to get you to unbury it ( not entirely successfully), but I have faith that you would prefer to know that A is safe - from being dangerous if it comes to that - than to pretend a few good talkings to can help him. I believe in your ability to rise to the occasion. You have done, so far, and I see no reason for you to stop.

I've been heavy-handed. I'm sorry. It's too much experience and injury talking. I know what humans (variety APD) are capable of being and it turns my bowels to water to think about yet another one loose in the world. This doesn't mean I'm not trying to be accurate. I just cannot possibly be wholly subjective. I am afraid for you, for Andrew, and for society, and that makes me bludgeon points home which I could make more gently. I am really sorry.

I know the things I say are hurtful. Despite what I said above, and I'm going to do my best to keep that in check, I would NEVER say these things to someone online, if I didn't feel a moral mandate to speak the undiluted truth to anyone who asks an honest question (or doesn't) in a matter involving the future of a child. This is one of the reasons I am such a broken record about you needing to get Andrew real, professional psychology and psychiatry NOW, and you needing some therapy and a live-in-person support network NOW. I've walked away from this computer at times, feeling as though I am guilty of gross irresponsibility, for trying to 'help' at a distance this way. If so much were not at stake, I would not do. You still must get the proper professional care for both of you NOW.

You're the most realistic and loving, pro-actively concerned mother we've met in our life. If parents were more like you, this would be a better world.

Love,
Kassandra
(and our migraine)
for LeKZ

*'all right' as defined within the context of his personal differences. He will always be different. He does not have to become a violent criminal offender.