Journal Entries
In The Form Of A Lamb
Posted Jan 28, 2005
I have been struggling with depression for a number of years, and it gets pretty frustrating, as well as boring.
My latest depression has to do with loss of an unborn child and boyfriend.
I know many here will question how this could have happened, but it did. I guess all things are possible in God's world. Even if we think it can't happen, IT CAN.
So, last week I started caring for a neighbor's lamb that had gotten frostbite, and he became a bit of joy in my life. I realised that I needed a baby to care for, even if it wasn't human, to help relieve my grief.
Mr O's sister had a beautiful baby boy in November, and my own daughter had a beautiful baby boy in July, (three weeks after I would have had my little girl). Both births were such happy events, and I celebrated along with both Mom's. Except I had neglected to deal with my own grief.
Mr. O told me to "get rid of the thing", and thought I had lied to him about how I came to be pregnant. He didn't take responsibility for having cheated on and then leaving me for the 23 year old he was dating when I got pregnant. He said I ruined his life. All this after he told me he loved me, and we were good together.
It wouldn't have been possible for me to carry through to term, as far as the doctors were concerned, and I felt betrayed by Mr. O's cruel and fearful comments regarding the baby, so I opted for termination.
Many days went by that I really regretted my decision, and cried for my own selfishness at not even having tried to carry the baby to term.
I miss my daughter. I never named her, or acknowledged her as a person, as I was too afraid of hurting Mr. O and alienating him forever. I also didn't think I was a good enough person to be blessed with another wonderful child since I had gone through the persecution of having been falsely accused of child abuse in a previous year. My self-esteem has been at it's lowest in many, many years. I truly don't believe I deserve goodness most days, and do not have confidence in myself as a parent, or a woman.
Mr. O continues to play games with me, and makes it known that he wants to blame me for his "relationship" with the 23 year old for ending, even though he was with me a few times while dating her (without my knowledge of her). He watches me at work, he's come to church alone, he constantly talks about me. And his father says "The boy still really loves you". Others in the community tell me he's afraid of how he feels, and is trying to deny that he wants me.
Whatever the case with him, I am now trying to focus on my own healing. I have lost a daughter as well as a lover, and it hurts like heck. I want both of them back.
So, a little lamb comes into my life. I don't really want to take care of him, but I know that he won't make it if I don't, so I give it a go.
The first night I held the little thing on my lap, and bawled like a baby. It was like all of my grief finally had an outlet that wasn't going to be a person telling me how rotten a person I am, and everything started pouring out without stopping.
"Jim-Bob"
spends most of his day in my bathtub, as his back feet are healing from frostbite. He can't be walking around getting infection in his tissues, as I want him to be able to keep both feet.
He is such a gentle little 
, and listens well to my laments, without judging me.
Jim-Bob gives the biggest 
when I go in to feed him, and is really excited to follow me around the house when I am making dinner or doing dishes. He actually likes me.
I would have never thought that a I didn't want to take care of would have played a role in healing my heart, but "God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform".
I am also starting to accept the fact that I do not have a daughter, and Mr. O will be a factor in my life for many years, as we live five miles from each other. We will see each other daily. I can love him privately, and I do. I hope he can find healing, joy, love, contentment, and forgiveness of himself as well as me. I pray for him every day.
As for me, I have started my journey toward healing, joy, love, contentment, and forgiveness of myself and Mr. O.
My gift came to me "IN THE FORM OF A LAMB".
Discuss this Journal entry [4]
Latest reply: Jan 28, 2005
WANTED:
Posted Jan 20, 2005
COWBOY (for assorted tasks - business and personal)
Must be strong, clean
, smart
, good looking
, multi-talented
, and willing to work cheap
Needs to be between the ages of 35 and 50, and have all useable parts in good working order.
Must also come with a MINIMUM one year money back satisfaction guarantee
I'm serious, you know.......
Weather is 
here compared to last week.
I'm still cranky (ain't had none since 2003)
I better go check my e-mail, as I'm only allowed one hour on the computer in the library today
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jan 20, 2005
I keep forgetting.....
Posted Jan 17, 2005
what I'm looking for on the computer, and never remember to write it down when I do remember
Does anybody else have months like that?
The boys are all back at school today, and I get a bit of free time. YES!!! So I thought I'd pop in and be a nuisance
I remembered to bring my printout of the smileys today, too, as you can probably guess at my extravagant usage of them.
I installed two light fixtures in my house last week
. I had to get help with the chandelier in the living room, as the instructions were in Chinese (therefore being indecipherable to me). But, I managed to install the new one above the kitchen sink all by my self, without electrocuting myself, or burning down the house
My washing machine froze up the other night, as it is in the entrance porch, and the temps were atrocious for so long. Took the hairdryer to the hoses and it works fine now
. I didn't want to have to buy a fifth machine since having moved here two years ago
I guess that means I need to stop procrastinating and fix the weatherstripping around the door, so it will stop freezing in there.
I think we need a "cowboy" smiley
, simply because I need a cowboy
I'm just about to try and find the EYE say thread. I forget how to do stuff like that, so wish me luck.
I hope to hear from more of you by email, too.
Discuss this Journal entry [23]
Latest reply: Jan 17, 2005
Extreme Cold.....
Posted Jan 14, 2005
It's been about -52 with the wind chill
for the past few days.
Since the boys have been home 
since monday, it hasn't made a difference to us, but the school has been closed because of the weather.
The boys have had something called "Fifth's Disease", or "Slap Cheeks". It's nothing serious to them. It causes a raw and irritating rash all over their bodies that burns when touched. Makes them look like pickled lobsters
. They have since added sore throats and fevers, and Luke and Nigel have been throwing up.
I'm tired
.
I miss Owen terribly. I don't know if I'll ever get over him, or he me. It is tough living in the same small, tight knit community. We see each other all the time, even in church. (He actually went to church recently)
I've written jaZZ and let him know the tragedy of what happened between Owen and I, but I don't think he believes me, or if he does, doesn't know what to make of it. (I actually don't blame him, because it IS really unbelieveable.)
Let it be known that I AM A FREAK OF NATURE!!!!!
I guess I had better hurry up on this computer. The library is busy today.
Please write an e-mail to me. I'd like to hear from everyone.
[email protected]
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jan 14, 2005
UPDATE - Project Karen
Posted Dec 29, 2004
So.
What's new
Rebecca went back to school in the city to do some upgrading. She is dating a new fellow (tells me he's nice but is afraid to introduce him to me in case I do something stupid). She also works part-time at Bata Shoes.
Ronin is FOUR. He's in daycare, and bosses everyone around.
David lives in a room-and-board situation in the city. He's taking a two year independance and mobility course. He takes busses all over the place, and is getting to be more confident.
Tabitha is finishing her grades 11 & 12. She and her boyfriend, Johnny< and their son, Darrion, live in a nice apartment in the city.
The other four boys still live with me on the farm. Sam is almost 6' tall now, so he gets all of the manual labor jobs from me. Mikey is quite interested in science and cooking. I keep thinking he will be the next Einstein. Luke is in the junior highschool. He's still the skinniest kid in the area. Nigel is as big as Luke, and constantly amazes me with his insights.
Stinky died. I ran him over accidentally.
I gave away about 12 
. Some ran away. We still have three.
My have gone to a friend's land. They were just starting out and wanted some , so since I couldn't do chores this winter because of my foot surgery, I gave the woolies to them. They are very well taken care of there, too.
My calf went with the . His name was Spook
. Poppyseed the steer is still around the farm, but I don't have much to do with him since I don't go outside mush lately. The last time I had anything to do with him was when he pushed the door open in the house, came into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, ate almost everything on the second shelf, then turned around to eat my bamboo plants on the table. That was about two months ago. My boss still has a few sheep on the land, too. There have been a few babies born recently, and they've needed special care, so since I'm a gimp they bring them in to me to fix. (I guess I can't refuse 'cause they're soooooo cute).
I'm STILL looking for a cowboy.
There should be a smiley!!!!!!!!!
Owen is still around, but is too macho to talk to me. (If you want details, e-mail me. This is too personal for h2g2).
Clayton
asked me to marry him and then took off.
MEN!!! Just gotta love 'em, I guess.
I have gained a bunch of weight. (More personal stuff). But, I am determined to lose it ASAP. I've been starting to do a bit of exercise, but I've been slow and tired.
My hair has been about thirteen different colors. Everything from fuscia to burgundy, to dark brown, to copper. Now it's streaked. I don't even know what one would call this color. It's also awfully long, and I desperately need a trim.
I still work at the Post Office. Everyone loves me (Yah, right).
I'm going home tomorrow, so I might not get to a computer for a bit.
Everyone have a GREAT New Year!!!!
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Dec 29, 2004
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