h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have been struggling with depression for a number of years, and it gets pretty frustrating, as well as boring.
My latest depression has to do with loss of an unborn child and boyfriend.
I know many here will question how this could have happened, but it did. I guess all things are possible in God's world. Even if we think it can't happen, IT CAN.
So, last week I started caring for a neighbor's lamb that had gotten frostbite, and he became a bit of joy in my life. I realised that I needed a baby to care for, even if it wasn't human, to help relieve my grief.
Mr O's sister had a beautiful baby boy in November, and my own daughter had a beautiful baby boy in July, (three weeks after I would have had my little girl). Both births were such happy events, and I celebrated along with both Mom's. Except I had neglected to deal with my own grief.
Mr. O told me to "get rid of the thing", and thought I had lied to him about how I came to be pregnant. He didn't take responsibility for having cheated on and then leaving me for the 23 year old he was dating when I got pregnant. He said I ruined his life. All this after he told me he loved me, and we were good together.
It wouldn't have been possible for me to carry through to term, as far as the doctors were concerned, and I felt betrayed by Mr. O's cruel and fearful comments regarding the baby, so I opted for termination.
Many days went by that I really regretted my decision, and cried for my own selfishness at not even having tried to carry the baby to term.
I miss my daughter. I never named her, or acknowledged her as a person, as I was too afraid of hurting Mr. O and alienating him forever. I also didn't think I was a good enough person to be blessed with another wonderful child since I had gone through the persecution of having been falsely accused of child abuse in a previous year. My self-esteem has been at it's lowest in many, many years. I truly don't believe I deserve goodness most days, and do not have confidence in myself as a parent, or a woman.
Mr. O continues to play games with me, and makes it known that he wants to blame me for his "relationship" with the 23 year old for ending, even though he was with me a few times while dating her (without my knowledge of her). He watches me at work, he's come to church alone, he constantly talks about me. And his father says "The boy still really loves you". Others in the community tell me he's afraid of how he feels, and is trying to deny that he wants me.
Whatever the case with him, I am now trying to focus on my own healing. I have lost a daughter as well as a lover, and it hurts like heck. I want both of them back.
So, a little lamb comes into my life. I don't really want to take care of him, but I know that he won't make it if I don't, so I give it a go.
The first night I held the little thing on my lap, and bawled like a baby. It was like all of my grief finally had an outlet that wasn't going to be a person telling me how rotten a person I am, and everything started pouring out without stopping.
"Jim-Bob" spends most of his day in my bathtub, as his back feet are healing from frostbite. He can't be walking around getting infection in his tissues, as I want him to be able to keep both feet.
He is such a gentle little , and listens well to my laments, without judging me.
Jim-Bob gives the biggest when I go in to feed him, and is really excited to follow me around the house when I am making dinner or doing dishes. He actually likes me.
I would have never thought that a I didn't want to take care of would have played a role in healing my heart, but "God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform".
I am also starting to accept the fact that I do not have a daughter, and Mr. O will be a factor in my life for many years, as we live five miles from each other. We will see each other daily. I can love him privately, and I do. I hope he can find healing, joy, love, contentment, and forgiveness of himself as well as me. I pray for him every day.
As for me, I have started my journey toward healing, joy, love, contentment, and forgiveness of myself and Mr. O.
My gift came to me "IN THE FORM OF A LAMB".

Aw you have been hurt terribly
Sorry to hear this

The father you mention - is this the father/son that liked you while working in the Post Office?

Hi Karen, I am glad that this little lamb has opened up a source of healing for you. It is important to mourn those we have lost; I applaud your courage in doing this.

Abbi & JEllen
This is not . The man in question is Owen. I believe I wrote about him before.
Thank You both very much for your kind thoughts.
I am going to the in a few minutes to see what else is wrong with me, as I keep falling , even while driving
I think my thyroid may be off