h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, kudos to you! Your heart is certainly in the right place. There are precious few who can feel empathy for common household tools, and although I myself have often felt sorry for the gears on my riding mower, you must admit that they are a good bit more expressive of their feelings than a hammer. You, however, show a rare compassion for the humblest of inanimate objects, and I salute you. But you seem to be laboring away under a couple of misconceptions.
My main disagreement is with your belief that hammers suffer guilt trips after pounding a nail. Actually, most hammers are, in fact, evil, or at least they are very disturbed. This is not their fault, of course, but is a result of their upbringing. Life is usually quite unpleasant for a hammer. For starters, their birth is a traumatic one. Would you like to be born in the same way a hammer is born? Would you want your head to be a big heavy lump that gets molded out of molten-hot metal? Do wish your body was a big ol' piece of wood that gets jammed up through your head and wedged there? No, I wouldn't like that either.
Hammers fare no better as they grow up. They remain ignored and unloved by their parents (assembly line workers/machines), and are eventually shipped away to Home Depot to be hung up on a shelf by their heads. There they pal around with bad crowds of ball-pins and leather mallets. They listen to Heavy Metal and abuse dangerous drugs (typically the insectiside fumes from the next aisle over).
By the time a hammer is purchased it has grown into an angry and cynical punk rocker. Now, many of you know that humans who listen to punk rock engage in an activity called "head hammering," or violently nodding your head. The term is not a coincidence. These humans are imitating the hammers' single outlet for their pent-up rage; Beating up a nail. Yes, the high point of a hammer's day is getting to drive some nails into a hard surface. They also enjoy smashing the good china. And if they could, I believe that human punk rockers would take their imitation of the hammer even further, say, by driving a woodpecker beak-first into a tree with their heads. The only things that stop them are the splitting headaches this would cause and the unpleasant sensation of "woodpecker goo all over your forehead."

No, their wasn't a point to this information.

Glad to hear it! I was beginning to wonder!

This is very, um, useful information! I'll mention it to Ming!

>

It's OK IE, I'm here anyway!

Um, having just read that out to all the Hammers in my house and listened to their points of view regarding your information, I would like to point out that it represents a small proportion of the Hammer community (like the punk-rockers of the human community [and incidentally, the phrase is "head-banging"] are a very small proportion) and many Hammers do feel guilt. They do have horrendous guilt-trips. They would also like to point out that it is exactly that sort of stereotyping that earns them so little respect and would appreciate it if you would stop spreading such malicious stereotypes of their kind around. I would like to point out that that is exactly the sort of stereotyping and prejudice that starts horrific wars.

And you can read other people's views on the matter in the Campaign's forum.

¦M¦

I'm not blaming the hammers! Like you said, they don't ASK to be smashed against a nail. I'm just saying that their pent-up frustration can often override the guilt. It's our fault for treating them this way! To be fair though, I'm sure that the majority of hammers do feel guilty for being used to pound nails. But that's beside the point; either way, life for a hammer ain't pretty. I wasn't saying we shouldn't help the hammers (and I now regret my title of these postings), all I'm saying is that helping them will require more than just stopping the nail-beatings. It's going to take an effort from all of us in order to make society a wholesome place for a hammer.

...and yes, yes, I'm well aware that "head-banging" is the more typical phrase (and probably the "correct" one, if there were an official ruling on such things). But the term "head-hammering" IS sometimes used, albeit more commonly as an adjective (to describe a rock band).

Um. I'm going to have to read this conversation properly again, but I won't have time to do it for a week and a half... sorry!
Be back then!


¦M¦