h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Kitty tumbles in, worrying something between his claws*

*it looks very wet and bedraggled*

*you can just see that it is made of straw and has some fringey bits limply hanging from it*

*it also has a big hole it is and lots of littler ones, where Kitty's teeth went through*

*Kitty comes to a stop against a pile of logs - they tumble down a bit, but he's not too concerned, what's a little pile of "twigs" to an overgrown cave lion?*

*he spies Pandora*

PRRRRRR!!!!????? (play?)

PRRRRR!!?? MRRRR?! MRRrrrrRRRR? (\/ ?)


*he spies

Here Kitty-kitty-kitty!!!
I did'nt know you came for a visit! So pleased to have you! Make yourself right at home! The entire place is a scratching post!
Let me untangle you from that mess! Here are some squishy balls with cat-nip & bells inside. I was hoping you'd come for a visit! Have I told you how adorable you are?!? Here's a huge round bed with cedar chips inside this soft cloth. We can roll around on it & when we get tuckered out, we'll just curl up & nap! How's that sound?!?
I'm gonna' et your belly!!! *begins to tickle Kitty & blow on Kitty's belly making a silly sound* If you don't draw too much blood, I'll let you pick out whichever hat you'd like to have next!!! *continues to 'get'Kitty's bellt* My, you're a strong one!!!

*Kitty's paws come up to grab at Pandora's arm, but his claws are sheathed, he's playing at fighting back 'cos he likes it and is contrary like that*

Good Kitty, you're sure to get any hat you want!
*Pandora love to roughhouse! starts to make growling sounds between her laughing* Come on Kitty, I'm getting your belly!!!

*Kitty is not too sure about rough-housing with a human - they are so breakable!*

Not REALLY...Kitty, I'm use to playing hard with big dobermans! Sort of hated to mention 'dogs' in front of you, but they can get pretty rough too! I have special rubber gountlet gloves I wear so if the bitting gets too carried away, I can just slip out of the glove with my arm still in one piece! (I use to make lots of $$$ training dogs for people on the week-ends.)

But if you want to, we can go for a romp in the woods! There's lots of big birds and fish in the river. Interested?

It's been several years since I hung out with a 'cat' big as you! I knew a young tiger once. And I had a friend who kept some expensive things in his home...he had a four year old lion. One day, when Ted was at work, someone who didn't know about 'Puss' broke into the back door. Puss always stayed in the bedroom with the door shut while Ted was gone. When he came home from work, he found the back door pried open, and Puss was asleep on the couch with a (never before seen) shoe
next to him with holes in it! Can you imagine the surprise that crook had?!? HA! And I'm sure none of his buddys ever believed his tale!
I'm sure you'll agree kitties are wonderful

*Kitty romps out through the wall in the direction of the woods, excited*
*Kitty knows that there are some Guides camping out this weekend - Mad Hatter is going with them - maybe Kitty and Pandora will get to sit round the campfire and sing with them*

I'll bring my six string!!! And plenty to drink

*Kitty is unsure of the reference, but hopes that Pandora knows a few scary tales and goorey songs*

A six string is a guitar..as for things scary & goorey..you've come to the right person! It was a dark and stormy night...But before a story,
why not one of my favorite childhood songs...I would teach this to several children, and we would stand outside of Mr. Sally's grocery & sing until he would chase us away...
*Pan begins to sing: Great,great gobs of greesy, grimy gopher guts, cumutated monkey meat...chopped up bloody chicken feet. Oh...great, great gobs of cumulated monkey meat...buy it at Sally's stooo-re-o...
continue to repeat until Mr. Sally tries to beat the tar out of you with a broom! There's plenty more where that came from...* Hmmm...
Kitty likes thing a bit twisted hey? Well, no wonder we're getting along so well!

*Kitty wonders if Pandora knows the one that goes "There was a cowboy, all dressed in white, rode under a tree and got into a fight, there was blood on the saddle, blood on the ground, guts, gore and liver, blood all around*

No...never heard that one! Do you know: Comet, it's made of kerosene,
Comet, will make your face turn green, Comet, so you can vomit! So get new Comet, and vomit today...! (it's sung to a military tune)

*Kitty thinks perhaps that the gorey songs either side of the world may be slightly different*

Pan was thinking the same thing.

*Kitty thinks that Guides and Scouts around the world still love them all though*

If I wasn't having a bite to eat, I'd sing another for you...perhaps you could go next? Otherwise I'll be back later...

*Kitty has some favourites that aren't gorey too, but...*
He jumped without a paracute from twenty thousand feet
He jumped without a paracute from twenty thousand feet
He jumped without a paracute from twenty thousand feet
And he aint gonna jump no more
Glory glory what a hell of a way to die
Glory glory what a hell of a way to die
Glory glory what a hell of a way to die
And he aint gonna jump no more
...
He landed on the pavement like a lump of strawberry jam
They put him in a matchbox and they sent him home to mum
She put on the mantelpiece for everyone to see
She put him on the table when the Vicar came to tea
The Vicar spread him on some toast and said what lovely jam

*Kitty decides to serenade Pandora while she eats... after all, she was so nice about the Elk*
Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
Yes! Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
If the words sound queer and funny to your ear
A little bit jumbled and jivey
Sing, "Mares eat oats and does eat oats
And little lambs eat ivy"
Oh! Mairzy doats and dozey doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?

Land of the silver birch, home of the beaver
Where still the mighty moose wanders at will

Blue lake and rocky shore, I will return once more
Boom-diddi-eye-di, boom-diddi-eye-di ,Boom-diddi-eye-di, boom

My heart is sick for you, here in the lowlands
I will return to you, hills of the north

Blue lake and rocky shore, I will return once more
Boom-diddi-eye-di, boom-diddi-eye-di ,Boom-diddi-eye-di, boom

Swift as a silver fish, canoe of birch bark
Thy mighty waterways carry me forth

Blue lake and rocky shore, I will return once more
Boom-diddi-eye-di, boom-diddi-eye-di ,Boom-diddi-eye-di, boom

There where the blue lake lies, I'll set my wigwam
Close to the water's edge, silent and still

Blue lake and rocky shore, I will return once more
Boom-diddi-eye-di, boom-diddi-eye-di ,Boom-diddi-eye-di, boom


(and sung at the same time
Our paddles keen and bright, flashing like silver
Swift as the wild goose flies, dip, dip, and swing
Dip, dip, and swing them back, flashing like silver
Swift as the wild goose flies, dip, dip, and swing

Are you pink and green?
Are you totally obscene?
Can you pick your nose
With your stubby little toes?
Do your armpits smell?
Are you hairy there as well?
Do your teeth fall out?

Does your belly button gleam?
Does it let off purple steam?
Is your earwax foul?
Does your stomach groan and growl?
Are your hands like jelly?
Do they wobble like your belly?
Do you look like me?