h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The speech doesn't worry me too much - I'll write something and then sort of memorise it. Once I'm confident that it's a good speech I'll be fine

I must say it's quite courageous of my nephew to ask me to speak - I did his 21st and (of course) gave him heaps

But I'll be gentle .... (sort of )

I had to give a speech at my Brother's wedding, I was best man.

I, like you, thoroughly rehearsed it.

I did it a la Brian Blessed as the King in Black Adder.

We all love 'uncle' Brian! Very funny.

Yes, well ... I'll have to play it reasonably straight (family politics and all that ) but I have thought of some gentle funnies. It should be ok

Hello feisor!

Hmmmmm....Sounds to me as if a very clear head may be required. Whenever anyone mentions 'family politics' my Trouble Radar starts flashing like a Christmas tree!

GOOD LUCK...I'll miss you!

Miss me?

I'm not going anywhere

See you when you get back

Good morning Feisor!

Well, we're back from Corfe Castle. What a fantastic little break!

Just Mrs Benson and I. We left the pups at home and shot off to Dorset on Friday morning.

Mrs Benson had packed enough gear to last about a month and then pretended that "Funny isn't it? You need as much for two days as you do for a fortnight."

"Yes Dear............if you say so."

Much giggling from Mrs Benson. She packed all her favourite 'lady items', perfumes, jewelery, under wear, dresses and of course, enough shoes to wardrobe a fashion house!

So loaded to the gunnals, we set off feeling very happy indeed.

Our first set back was in Poole. We'd decided to go via the ferry from Sandbanks (Possibly the most expensive piece of real estate in the world! Though God alone knows why) to Studland.

Poo! The ferry was out of action due to slipway renovations! THis added miles to our journey. I'd had my suspicions that something was wrong on the way. Lots of sign posts had been srayed out, of course they were the signs saying 'To the Ferry'. Nevermind

We arrived at the B&B in the early afternoon. Norden House. A lovely 18th Century farm house. Grand but tasteful and very cosy.

Once we'd off loaded, we whizzed off to 'Old Harry Rocks' at Studland and had a wonderful walk along the Chalk cliff tops to look at the sea stacks and the natural arches. Not a soul in sight. It was cool with a lowering autumn sunset, very atmospheric. Slightly threatening but breath takingly beautiful.

The only sounds, the sea gulls and the occasional mournful moan of a distant Channel ferry's fog horn. It was very, very romantic.

As the light worsened, We headed back to the B&B and changed for dinner at The Castle Inn in Corfe. Not bad, but a little disappointing. The food was not as good as we'd remembered.

We hit the bottle shop and headed back to base to settle down for the night.

Saturday: After a 'bad' night's sleep we surfaced for breakfast. New beds always take some getting used to. That's my excuse anyway.

Full, heart stopping, gut busting, empire building English breakfast!

Cereal, juice, toast and marmalade, tea by the skipful, Fried eggs, bacon, sausage, fresh grilled tom's, butter fried mushroom...the big breakfast jobs, beans, fried bread, black pudding. More tea.

No Calories there then! But those brekkies set you up for the whole day...seriously, apart from the odd coffee, that was all we had until the evening.

We then set out for Kimmeridge and the Jurrasic coast. Some of the most spectacular coastline in the world. It's a world hertiage area and the fossiling is amazing! Huge ammonites, the size of dinner plates, slowly being washed out of the rocky beaches.

The cliffs are banded with different coloured rocks, showing a history of the areas ancient past. Beautiful! Then a very steep climb to the Clavell tower. A weird folly built in the early 1800's.

It looks a bit like a light house and you can arrange to stay in it...very exclusive and probably very expensive too!

They moved it recently because it was in danger of 'going over the cliff' Amazing! A great view of Kimmeridge bay!

We then set off for Lulworth Cove, another picturesque spot. The cove is shell shaped and very small but outrageously gorgeous.

THen Mrs Benson announced we would over the hill (See ALP!) to Durdle door, a spectacular sea arch. Stair hole a sea cave and various other geological delights. After that, I felt a trip to Bournemouth General Hospital would have been in order. I was completely shattered I'm out of condition.

After recovering, we pottered off to Charmouth and Lyme Regis. Not a lot at Charmouth but good fossiling amazing fossil displays!

Lyme Regis is very sweet and has a harbour wall called the 'cob' site of the famous scene from the 'French lieutentants woman'.

Whizzed back to Corfe for dinner. 'The halfway' Excellent refuelling station great service and reasonable prices.

THe following morning another Emperial breakfast that would have fed most of Africa for a month a potter around the Castle and local sites and then home at Mach 2! We left Swanage at midday and were home at 2:40....Norty Well, there was no traffic on the roads. Shame to waste it!

Brilliant little holiday. Cost...Billions! But after September's disaster, worth every penny!

The places mentioned are visible on the net if you fancy a trawl.

Can you see me turning green with envy from where you are?

It sounds like an amazing trip, and your description of the breakfast had my mouth watering

I've been on holidays for 2 days and so far w*rk has rung me 4 times.

It's my fault really - I told them not to hesitate to ring me, but 4 time in 2 days??!!! Oh well, it's nice to know that I'm missed.

I'm catching up on household tasks and have spent time with Mum. I've also written my speech and am quite pleased with it, I've managed to keep it to about 4 minutes and only mildly slandered my nephew

I'll certainly check out some of those places you visited when I have time ....

Glad to have you back

Now, get back to work!!

Like you, Feisor...I'm always 'werking'

Fancy telling them that they can ring you...That said, I often only open my mouth to change feet!

Yep! <--- That's me too

I meant "if there's an emergency" - not to answer silly questions.

Selective deafness Feisor..selective deafness.

They never hear the caveats..ever! You should know that by now, come on, sharpen up!

I always find myself singing that song "Will you take me to a funky town." When I've stuffed up...except I replace the word 'funky' with 'Monkey'....well, it stops me crying.

In that situation my favourite song is

"Stuff 'em all, stuff 'em all, the long and the short and the tall .."

Exactly Feisor!

Just a quicky..I understand some parts of your ENORMOUS place have had some bad weather..You ok?

I sincerely hope so...Here in dear old blighty...we are about to get some 'weather'...nasty! Cold and snowy in parts!

I'm fine - thanks for asking That nasty stuff is mostly in Queensland, a long way away - I'm in Sydney.

Went to the wedding yesterday, some amazing stuff happened ...

It was a drizzly overcast day and the ceremony was at 3pm in the rose garden at the Botanic Gardens, so everyone was in a mad panic
Incredibly, at 2pm the skies cleared and we had blue skies, sun and an amazing Sydney spring day. About half an hour after a beautiful ceremony the clouds closed in and it was miserable again. I had managed to keep the couple's 3 year old son occupied with blowing bubbles during the ceremony and then, as the celebrant said the "I now pronounce" bit he broke free and ran and hugged his mum and dad who embraced him in a real family hug - beautiful!!

The reception was at a bayside cub and the rain held off until everyone had arrived, and the wedding party had disembarked from their water taxi, then it was just a gentle drizzle until it was time for everyone to leave, when it all stopped again. Great omens.

My speech went soooo well, everyone was complimenting me all night - I was even asked whether I spoke professionally My niece responded to that comment with "Not professionally, just often,"

The 3 year old "helped" with his Dad's speech with the odd giggle and comment on the microphone - but no one censured him or objected - it was lovely the way he was included in it all.

It was a most successful night |-<

Sounds absolutely fanatstic!

THe weather gods had obviously received the good word!

Mrs Benson & I were married on 31st December, a few years ago now, at Gretna Green...very romantic and a ruddy long way from home!

December in Scotland isn't a good place to be. However, the weather was fine and sunny but during the evening we had snow! Mrs Benson was ecstatic and rushed out to play in it in her wedding gown!

I'm glad your speech was well received. You'd worked on that one!

Let's hope the happy couple stay that way...Seems to be divorce central over here at the moment.. I heard a very depressing expression the other day "When money flys out the window, love walks out the door" What on earth do people marry for? I thought it was love and love alone....naive aren't I

I know what you mean about divorce - though these two have always done it a little tough and work as a team.

They are devoted to each other and their son and understand that they must keep working at their relationship to make it work, as I said in my speech, they have "built your family on love, trust and friendship, these are great foundations, but remember that they are only foundations. Continue to build with honesty, consideration, charity, laughter and forgiveness and the structure will grow in strength for many years."

Fingers crossed.

Unfortunately, with the price of houses in Sydney, it's highly likely that they may have to move to Queensland if they want to buy something in the future. I hope not.

Good words Feisor..good words. The pastor who married us said..treat each other as you would a friend.

Mrs Benson and I have been through a lot of.....stuff over the years.

Our relationship has the 'nice bits' but mostly it's loyalty, trust and companionship....I'm not the 'man' I was but I have dog like loyalty in spades..As I do for my friends..

Mrs Benson has said on more than one occassion.."They need you more than I do..go and do your thing!" Mrs Benson doesn't do the nursey stuff that I sometimes need but if I'm ever in real strife...God she's good at finding people that will!

Weird isn't it..I'm the one that's very soft and gentle and Mrs Benson is the 'tough' one. She can talk and argue and persist and I'm the one who strokes and cuddles and weeps and loves...

Not very manly is it? In fact I sound a bit woofty!

I've mentioned this to Mrs Benson and she just laughs and says "Yes dear...that's right...until you decide otherwise..THen we all just head for the hills until Hurricane Benson's passed!".......

Not entirely sure what she means.

Sorry Feisor..exposed more of my flaws than I intended there!

I looked back upon my last post and I sound like some kind of weirdo!

I'm not ODD...Just a little...strange!

Mrs Benson might go a tad further but..hey..this is polite company!

Don't you dare apologise!!

You sound like the perfect pair, a little like my nephew and his new wife actually. She's the practical one who actually controls everything (but lets him think that he's the one ) and he's the soft, gentle one with a hard outer covering. He's been a sucker for babies ever since he was young and consequently looked after his younger siblings, and still does.

It's all about being a team .... whatever works for you. The proof is in the fact that you obviously still care deeply for each other and are best friends, something that I hope my nephew and his wife will also retain.

I can imagine what your good lady means about "Hurricane Benson" though - I think that I saw a little of it during your recent trials.

Please don't change ... and don't ever apologise for who you are, I never do I firmly believe that people should take you for what you are or just off.

My granny always said that the only time you should ever try to change anyone is when they're in nappies - a very wise woman

Hi Feisor....

I'm off subject, so hang on tight, it's a sharp bend and we're going fast.

I've got a really bad case of the "I doh wannas"

There are 'piles' and there are 'piles'...Some piles are good and some are not. The lot I'm staring at, are not!

I've a veritable mountain of reports to write Oooh sigh! Look at it! It's got snow on the top!

I've been procrastinating for Team GB.

I don't know about you but I have a laziness gene. Some times it rears its ugly little head and I go into a flat spin of inaction!

Today is one of 'those' days.

They won't write themselves...boo. The reports for the college guys are easy, pretty prescribed really and very short.

These aren't for the college guys though...they're for the learning difficulties chaps...OOOOo Gud! They're monsters..not the chaps the reports. Whinge!

I've got be all Maslowian and diplomatic but honest. There are always delicate 'issues' I have to cover with that lot without inadvertantly pressing someone's nuclear button!

You can't write 'Smithers is a poisonous little shiite and is an ambassador for the abortionists! Shooting would be a kindness, not only to him but society in general.'

I'm going to have to be very oblique...'Smithers demonstrates some behaviours that may adversely affect his learning potential'

It's so HARD!!!

You'd think after all these years I'd have a well stocked arsenal of standardised quotes and code phrases....I don't! Each report is a elegant demonstration of diplomatic character assasination
More coffee!

Oh, how I feel for you!

No, I don't have a laziness gene, I have a hormone or "hoarmoan" which infuses every cell of my body with laziness, and procrastination is my middle name

One of my favourite quotes from Douglas is "I love the sound of deadlines as they go whooshing past."
At the moment I have to write a recommendation for a friend - it has to be in by 7th December, I anticipate panic hitting on December 6th

It's starting that's hardest, once I start it's easy .... so all I can give you is "Get on with it! Why are you reading this?"

Here's something that may inspire you (or at least make you smile)

Actual employee evaluation quotes:

Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.

Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He is so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


Good Luck!