Journal Entries
January 6
Posted Dec 5, 1999
"Love sucks. Why do fools fall in love? Love is a series of constant heartaches." Haven't I heard these kinds of phrases, or others like them many times durning my life?
I often hear songs on the radio that bring back the pain of love, in the mood of the music, and in the words each singer mournfully cries out. Usually it strikes at the depths of my heart too.
Why does pain seem to be so much a part of love? How can something that is supposed to be so wonderful bring so many tears and heartaches? It seems that because such pain comes to me in the midst of love, or from someone I love most, that love must truly suck at times. Sometimes that pain comes from disappointment, or when I start wanting someone to be different, or when they want me to be different. Maybe if I look closely, I can see that when I felt pain, it was because love had been replaced by wishful thinking, or other hidden desires. Perhaps I, or ***** didn't even realize it was happening.
But when I do look closely, pain has often come hot ont the heels of rejection of some kind. Inside, I know that love contains true acceptance, not rejection.
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January 5
Posted Dec 5, 1999
Few if any relationships, are free from hurtful things that one partner does to another. If I made a list of all the unkind words, thoughtless choices, and many other hurtful things that ***** and others have done to me in the past, it would stretch for miles.
When I think of the way I've reacted to those hurts, a realization hits me: I've been just as guilty at times. Even if I felt justified in my actions, is it fair for me to say that others didn't feel they were just as justified? How do I know what was truly in their mind at those times, or what led them to choices that clearly didn't make them happier, or me?
Returning a hurt with another hurt may give me temporary feelings of satisfaction, but it does not bring me true happiness in my relationship with anyone. Yet when I don't pay them back in some way, or react in anger, it seems like I'm telling them it's o.k. to hurt me. It seems very confusing at times.
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Latest reply: Dec 5, 1999
January 4
Posted Dec 5, 1999
Sometimes I hear of other people abusing their partner, and it makes me think of my relationship. Do I ever feel abused-emotionally, mentally, sexually, or physically? If so, have I tended to deny it, or hope that he will change his behavior? Maybe it wasn't really abuse, I tell myself, or maybe he'll change if I just love him enough, and be careful not to provoke him.
If I truly haven't been abused, then I'll know it by a calm, peaceful feeling inside when I ask myself those questions. I also understand that hurt feelings, and outbursts of anger and other strong emotions are a normal part of being human.
But if I find myself "walking on eggshells", or feeling physically or emotionally unsafe, it may be time to take a serious look at wether I'm accepting the unacceptable. Have I sought insight from people I can trust, or have I kept my feelings secret out of shame, because I felt I was even partly responsible?
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January 3
Posted Dec 5, 1999
When I look back on my relationships in the past, I can remember days when the world seemed a perfect place to live in, the sun shone, and love felt so wonderful.
There are days I wish I could bring back all those feelings and let go of my worries, my fears, and my anxieties. Sometimes I wonder why love seems like a roller coaster, with its unpredictable highs and lows.
What was it about those days? Was it a feeling of being accepted and loved simply for who I was? And did their faults seem trivial in comparison to all their wonderful qualities? I wonder at times what happened....did I change, or did our views of each other change, or both?
So many questions; yet maybe I'm holding myself and them up to a standard of perfection that costs me much more than it gives me. Is it worth having less love to focus on their "defects" or mine? Its time to ask myself "how important are they?"
Maybe they were just as afraid as I was about measuring up. If so, thats taking away from their natural desire to love and to be loved, and to express it warmly, with caring.
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January 2
Posted Dec 5, 1999
I remember seeing once what I thought was the ideal couple. They were older, and it seemed as if they had probably been married for many years. When I watched them, I saw them hold hands, laughing like little children at times, bringing a smile to many around them. As I looked at their faces, I saw a kindness, a special glow that I wished were mine. It brought misty tears to my eyes, and my heart ached to have that kind of relationship with someone.
I wonder sometimes what they found that I haven't found yet? Was it money? If so, then all those divorces of rich people in the news shouldn't be happening. It wasn't looks because while their faces shone, they were very ordinary looking people. Maybe they simply had lives that were alot easier than I've had; I don't know I wish I did at times.
All I know is that I want to be like that couple with someone - to have love, be playful, natural, and kind. Suddenly I realize something! The more I think about the previous sentence, the more I see how simple the answers really can be. I can be playful, natural and kind whenever I choose to be!
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Latest reply: Dec 5, 1999
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