h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: THERE'LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND WILL THERE? IS THERE? - A811973
Author: Flibbertigibbet - U200199

I was told that this wasn't suitable for peer review and that I should put it here. What do you think?

Actually, I'm going to have to read it.
That might take a while.
I made it through the first three paragraphs and then just had
to swoop down and post an unnecessary comment at the bottom.

At first glance, I believe your case, which is an intriguing one,
could be stated with more succinctness.

We'll see what I think after a second glance.

So Happy Together!

Now, I've read it.
Will all due respect, Sir (click and thump of coming to attention),
I think it needs a bit of trimming.
While your enthusiasm is noted and worthy of the subject,
this Texas Yank sees a proponderance of repetition.

I believe that, brought down to its fighting weight, the piece might pack a greater punch.

Anyway, I thank you
for allowing me
to read it.
I think I have learned something.

So Happy Together!

Thanks for the appraisal. I appreciate that it's a bit long and requires some investment but it's the antithesis of the soundbite which pervades and demeans British politics (and American too).

Actually having read some of the other stuff in the alternative writing workshop I don't think mine is too long.

Consider, if you will, this piece http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A813331
it is much longer and it serves no purpose. Mine may be long but it's well constructed, purposeful and has something to say which makes it OK.

For a "Yank" you did extremely well to plough your way through it. Thanks.

Yeah. I see your point.
But I'm trying to take you seriously.
When I write fiction or parody, I tend to ramble a bit.
When I'm trying to make a valid point, I have to realize that
the old journalistic principle of getting their attention in
the first paragraph still holds.
Additional paragraphs may elaborate on the point, but they should be losable, as editors have a tendency to lop storie to fit.

Your point on 'soundbites' is well-taken, too, as I am in the state that Bush was formerly the Governor of.
But I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Your first paragraph alone is longer than the script for an entire
newsreader segment.

This is good, and it makes points that I agree with, though I confess that I skimmed it because, like (tr) I was overwhealmed by its length.

The author hasn't posted here since Nov 8, 2002 which is a shame, though this had a goodish run in PR.

I would have liked to have seen a slightly shorter version of this. Maybe I have sunk too deeply into the soundbite culture.

B