h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Forest Peace - A3411316
Author: Smartcolourblue - U1115818

Hope you enjoy!

Pardon?

I think this is a wondeful story,
so alive and peaceful a joy to read

I think you made a small typing error with
"Hot ears rolled down her face"

unless i am very much mistaken this should be tears, or else its a rather strange picture

A true journey of self discovery, wonderfuly executed.

Brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT. Descriptive, evocative, moving and thought-provoking.

You have a flair for describing very intense poignant or bittersweet moments - I've seen it in your other work too. Just don't let it depress you (the way it does me when I think like that!).

Keep up the good work!

You want crit?

It's good as descriptive writing, but it's a bit weak in terms of characterisation. A third person treatment of someone's psyche rarely works, unless you're trying to emphasise detatchment and cool emotions - and I don't think you're looking for that here, are you?

You probably think that the final line crystallises your point, that peace is simply what follows when commotion subsides, and so you want the forest and its animals to be your main character. I reckon that that's a very human view of peace, though. In every story, someone real always has to feel the human feelings. (By convention, the narrator has no deep feelings. To impart emotion from the narrator's distance very definitely belongs to the advanced writing course)

If you really want your human in there simply as a blundering disturbance, then you actually need to minimise their characterisation. If that's your objective, then forget the sympathetic treatment, all this making them pained and troubled. Just make them crash about. A male would be better. A hunter might be ideal. If you still want to suggest at the end that they've understood something about the peace that will follow their departure, then that should be done with subtlety, by describing a very small change in their behaviour, maybe.

If on the other hand, you want to tell the story of a real person whose despair is assuaged by the tranquility of the forest, you need to make them central. Give them a name, a motive, and describe emotion from inside. If you want them to strip off and stretch out on bare rock, then emphasise the solitude and intimacy. A scene like that needs your subject and your reader and no-one else. A narrator is just intrusive.

If I were you, I'd keep this version, but try write it again from the girl's standpoint. Then see which telling you like best.

But well done. You clearly have the ability to write well, and a naturally compelling style. Keep at it, OK?

Thanks for the Tips Pp,
In this story both the forest and the girl go through the same change, the forest starts off tranquil is disturbed and gets peace again. The girl starts off disturbed and gains peace. I veiw both as the focus of the story, so how do you suggest I better the story while not diminishing the role of either?
Thanks again for the Crit, keep it coming!
SmartBlue.

I get you. Neat idea, definitely worth developing.
Giving it some thought, OK? Back soon
Pin

I took it as kind of capturing a moment - not exploring motives or characters, just describing what happens so vividly that the reader feels they have seen it themselves. From there, the reader can ascribe to the characters whatever emotions or motives they wish. I find it quite a powerful and absorbing style of writing.

First impressions - Excellent, very descriptive and involving, and showing an extended range of the talent obvious in 'Train'.
So, you want some crit? Hehe
Much the same as in your earlier work, the visual element of the writing is by far the strongest. This seems to be the main substance of the piece, and the imagery builds to a point where it becomes hard not to see the metaphor or read your own meanings into the text. That's great, one of the hallmarks of good writing is the ability to provoke a reaction in your reader, and the more subtle the writing is the more open to interpretation it becomes. Again, this seems to be very much a deliberate and carefully calculated move. I have to agree with Evenstar that it's about the moment - and I think you've captured the power and the transience of the moment very well. So...

The main weakness, I think, is in the phrasing, the flow of the writing. Without altering the style, I think the piece could read a little smoother, there are some places where the repetition of a word or idea is unnecessary, and some sentences connecting events that just read a little awkwardly. This is all very much imo, and are really only aesthetic changes (so I won't even bother quoting examples) but I think they add up to an off-note which I found a bit distracting.

I think you missed a big opportunity when she takes off her dress (anyone feel a 'that's what she said last night' moment coming on?). Without her man-made apparrel she is in her natural state, as elemental as the trees and animals. This should be a moment when the lines blur between this human and her natural surroundings. It seems like a momentous event which loses it's staying power because you skip over it so quickly - I think it deserves it's own paragraph, at least.

My only other criticism is of the ending, where I think the relationship between the girl and the forest breaks down. The girl as a character has changed; she is at peace where before she was hysterical. However, she has the same effect on the forest around her as she leaves, calm and confident, as when she arrives distraught. You mentioned that the forest is a character - a character who reacts the same to any external influence lacks depth. I think we need to see a more dynamic link between the two; humans shape their environment as well as being shaped by it.

Anyhow, it's a great first draft, I'll be very interested in reading the second. I know you can't rush creativity, but come on Blue - the fans are waiting!

Thanks 'God' for the nice Crit! Your right about the whole dress part, but considering I'm male and didn't want my readers to focus on the fact that she is naked, but at ease, natural, so I didn't dwell on it. Neither did i want to be labeled a chovenistic pig
The second draft is on its way!
Cheers 'God'.

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