h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Definite improvement IMO. More disturbing still in this form, and with no obvious structural defficiencies now. There are always ways in which things could have been written differently, and we could discuss some alternatives later if you like, but this piece is yours.

You still don't sound very sure about its merit, though. Once you've stood back a while and collected your thoughts, you should tell us whether you think it's improved and whether you've left anything out.

First, let's see what others have to say.

I think this is well and truly horrifying now.

I wonder if there isn't now a bit too much about the mind control the mares exert? Could some of this be cut, to avoid repeating yourself?

The construction of some of the sentences could be improved - eg I'm not sure about the sentence beginning 'The thought forms that flowed..'

But I'm just nitpicking.

I'm standing back for a while, collecting my thoughts

It's pretty horrible. I didn't like Baxter (you can tell I expect) but by the end, I felt very sorry for him.

Didn't get a chance to give it another look today. That wonderful labour saving device, the computer (or rather, its software) has caused me problems and eaten up a big chunk of time I'd ear-marked for editing.

Tomorrow I'll go through it and keep a special look-out for repetition and sentence construction mVpoet - and anything else that people might draw my attention to in the meantime.

Thank you both. I do think it's better Pinniped. But I'll have a better feel for it when I've cast a critical eye over it tomorrow.

I'm satisfied with it now

Eleven small edits and one extra paragraph added. The extra paragraph is 5th up from the bottom. It was the thing I might have left out, but it does interrupt the terror. If you think it's too much of an interruption, I'll take it out.

My mind went ' No!' at 'Starting with his feet.'! This is a real horror story alright.

I didn't read the earlier versions but this seems very well done to me. Well put together and particularly well focused. The idea and the Greek myth connection are great. My highlights are the brief but vivid description of the trainer's death with the full drawn out version being buit up to and saved for the end, the 'Starting with his feet.' sentence and above all that the unexpected and sudden glimpse of light in the last sentence. After giving the reader all that horror you give a possibility of hope that this guy Baxter might suddenly have felt something redeeming right at the end there.

The fifth paragraph didn't interrupt for me and has in fact the most thought provoking bit in it. In a way it justifies telling the whole story without being in any way preachy.

More as observations than criticism because this has the feel of a finished piece, along MVP's lines, there was a bit more continued explanation of the mares' mind control given than I needed. Just a few more quick touches of horsiness in the mares, maybe - 'snickered' brought the smell of the stables. And also, hesitatingly, because the line worked for me and I really liked it , but how did Baxter know it was sympathy and not relief that the noise had stopped.

Or is this one of those the light at the end of a tunnel is an oncoming train moments? Baxter's interpretation of sympathy was wishful thinking?

Maybe it doesn't matter, maybe it's enough that Baxter wanted it to be, or saw it as, sympathy.

Thank you for a great story and some thoughts to chew on.

Yes, this is very good indeed now.
I can't think of a better horror story on the site, unless it's your own Specimen. Unalloyed shock and thought-provoking ideas in the same piece and at this length is quite an achievement.
Two lessons you should take away from this one, IMO:
1. The extra paragraph you added (and are unsure about) definitely stays in. It feeds the reader ideas, while suspending the action and allowing his disquiet to build. This is a good ploy in suspenseful writing generally. You shouldn't pad to draw the story out, of course: the interludes have to be substantial and relevant, and this example is both.
2. It was good before, and rather nasty. Now it's genuine nightmare stuff (no equine pun intended), with no punches pulled and the reader properly put through the wringer.
With this and Specimen, one physical and one mental, one full-on and one understated, you are showing a nice range. It'll be interesting to see where you go next.

Thank you ever so much for your very kind comments!
Thank you very much for your help in getting it to this stage of satisfactory completion!

I'm learning some useful and interesting things and hope I have the wit to remember and use them in stories to come.

About the light at the end of the tunnel LLWaz
Baxter knew they sympathised in the same way he knew they felt contempt for him and were later relieved when he stopped screaming. The mares and their rescuers were old friends with mental links. When they were giving Baxter the total dying and death experience, they didn't filter out the emotions of the men. The horses had no empathy or sympathy for Baxter and didn't recognise the emotion. If they'd known what it would mean to him, they wouldn't have let it through. Baxter had had a cold hard life. Sympathy was something he'd never felt for others, never received and never imagined he'd ever need. When he finally got it, he *got it* or understood it, because he needed it. (Actually, he got it because I found it hard to let him die like that.)

I can see what you both mean about the new paragraph now I've stood back from it for a while. I feared it might seem like a sudden hurdle placed unexpectedly in front of a sprinter.

The next story is in the pipe-line. So far, it doesn't feel as though it's going to be so grim. It's hard to be sure though. As you know, I'm new to all this so I don't know if it's a common thing, but it almost feels as though my brain doesn't fully engage with a story until my fingers are typing it

Baxter 'got it'. I'm glad you put it that way - it's exactly how I felt when I first read it. And how I was going to put it originally before deciding to be long-winded

I was halfway to your explanation. I'd have got all the way there but for deciding I wasn't worried whether it was wishful thinking or real, his needing it was enough.



Maybe the UnderGuide ought to start up a horror section.

Poor Baxter. He was a total rotter, but those mares were too harsh even for him

I popped over to look at the section set-up. Far be it from me to stick me oar in, but I'll venture an opinion. Breaking the stories up into sections might encourage more people to read them. Some people would read all the romances and skip all the comedy and horror. I'd read the comedy and horror and skip any romances. Ideally we should read them all to find the ones that suit our tastes, but it's time consuming.

again. Another UnderGuide selection. I'll quote the QA comments, for their worth.

"General Comments :
All four of November’s selected UG Entries are high quality. These will all delight our readers.

The Mares of Diomedes: Probably the nastiest piece ever to make the UnderGuide, this is horror writing of the most unflinching kind. Technically good, if overwritten, but really everything about it is how far it goes. My objectivity is compromised because I did some of the coaching, but it’s intriguing how an ever crueller treatment was drawn out of such a seemingly mild-mannered writer. The cruelty is a little bit redeemed too, by the strange final sentence. It put me in mind of a horror film I can’t place, where a masochist mutilates himself and in the last scene you can just about tell that the ruin of his face breaks into a smile.
This is not a genre I like much, but it’s certainly a powerful example of the type."

Personally, I'd give the most extreme horror award to a different UG entry. One that showed no possibility of anything redeeming. This one is however a doozy, and I much prefer it. Thankyou for submitting it here, I'll ask the UG archivist what she thinks of a horror category. The problem is all the crossover pieces.

UGeds

Thank you very much indeed

I would just like to point out that it wouldn't have been possible to persuaded me to be more and more cruel to Baxter if he had actually been a real person. Honestly!

Hey! Well done you!

See?

The monster *isn't* catching, after all!

Thank you Evadne

If you're resting your case you're being a bit premature There's more to say. I was cobbling together a reply to your other message but got caught out by the real monster (you know, the one that messes us both up).

In the meantime