h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The date - A45866893
Author: Merry Anne - U13729717

Something I wrote to pass the time while waiting for a sign of him.

Comments and suggestions for improvement welcome.

I like this. It feels authentic and the twist at the end is at once unexpected and plausible. I love the last sentence.

Any suggestions for improvement?
The phrase 'so she was very excited' is a bit weak. You are showing her behaving as if excited -rushing around putting make up on etc, so you may not need it.

Just a question - do you really put on Chanel No 5 for a cyber date?

Chanel Number Five might affect your personal ambience, maybe...the idea of cyberborne scent...wow...a money-maker...please, please, nobody tell my company's game developers...

I love the idea. As MVP said, there are a few things that could be pointed up and made more vivid, but I suspect you know that and can find them at your leisure.

Computer crashing because of bad make-up......like the old saying 'face that would stop a clock'...

Thank you both, that's cheered me up no end.

MVP, would you think something like: so she was really looking forward to it would be better, or should I just scratch that completely?

dmitri, I'm still 'too close' to the story, so I'm not sure I'll find the things you're thinking of. Do you think the selection of clothes should be expanded a little? I've here done with it quite quickly, but as you may imagine, choosing the right wear isn't usually a matter of opening the wardrobe and just taking the first piece you look at.

Oh, and I don't put Chanel no 5 for a cyber- or any other date- simply for the reason that I don't have Chanel no 5.

How about: she closes her eyes during the epilation and concentrates on her date? She sees his face in front of her?

A detail about the living room. Move a custion advantageously or something.

What colour hair does he like? Burnt sienna?

Make-up, stet, it's good.

Another sentence about posing...

Ending just fine.

Does that help?

Yes, thanks, that helped a lot. I've altered it according to your suggestions. let me know what you think.

Much better, I think. The details are more vivid, the plot flows ineluctably to that computer...

And the dreaded Black Screen.

I love the error messages.

Thank you.

I hate the black screen, and error messages, but for once the experience came in handy.

A fine romance, in line with the tried and trusted tradition of "pride [having to be] pinched"

Trust computers in general and Microsoft in particular to put the kibosh on it

It did make me laugh merrily

I loved this little story, and it made me smile.

I'm not quite sure which bit of her she was epilating , but when I do my legs I always do it before showering - afterwards your skin would be too tacky and sticky, and anyway, better to rinse off any little hairs. And I NEVER close my eyes!

And if I had a date planned, I would know well before I started getting ready what I was going to wear, that wouldn't be the last decision I had to make.

Perfume for a cyber-date? Definitely, all part of the feel-good confidence.

Nice idea

Yes, this is more vivid now. Definitely fun.

Thanks all.

Just as an aside: the instructions for my epilator advise to have a shower/bath first, saying:

Hair is easier to remove after showering or bathing. But your skin must be completely dry!

Furthermore, they tell you to thoroughly clean the areas before epilating to remove residue like deodorant - another argument for having the shower first.

As for choosing clothes: personally, I have a rough idea what I will wear, but make the final choice on the very day, just moments before I leave the house.

Well there you go! I didn't know that

I think I'll stick to doing it before showering, though. Was this her first time using an epilator? Maybe make clearer that it was a new experience (although that is suggested in the opening sentences, so maybe it's OK)

Ladies, I'd keep this information to a minimum.

Are you familiar with the testspeak expression 'tmi'?

I thought that saying that she hadn't 'expected' it to be so pinful implied it was a first. I could add something along the lines of this being a first attempt, but I'm not sure it is needed.

Too much information, dmitri?

Great fun , love the twist and the error message.

Thank you.

Congratulations Merry Anne, on an UnderGuide selection .

We'd like to feature 'The Date' in our UnderGuide slot on the front page. It's a neat story.

The UG QA opinion was "A good idea, proficiently executed and succinct." His criticism was that the character’s behaviour was abnormal from the beginning, and he guessed the outcome close enough to dissipate the effect. He suggested "it might be better with a less obsessive character, with more human characteristics. Nervousness, for example. Or excitement. This would not only sharpen its twist, but would also make it more appealing to the reader."

I'm posting the QA comments as you may find them of interest, or useful. Not because any revision is needed for UnderGuide purposes. This is a good piece as it is.

Thank you for posting it, and congratulations
UG Eds

Oh

Thank you.

I never expected this.