h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"That Florgal Flea will be my bane
Unless I find some glue!
It bites my brain, I must complain
But I don't know who-to"

And yet, afore his plaint was out,
In courteous, manly fashion,
The Flea discerned "for gold you yearned?
I'll help you ease that passion"

( We mingle scenes by single means -
We wrap our spells in magic.
To spell our wraps springs snarley traps
And leads to verses tragic.)

The Florgal Flea, across the sea
Defeated many a seeker
Who hoped to hold its hoard of gold,
The braver and the meeker.

As tales are told, the hunt for gold
Is struggle, grim adventure.
But worth in part, a fair Maid's heart,
And a healthier debenture.

At the Maid's behest this fearful quest
Was undertook by Dandy,
So hound and all, unless he fall,
This plot should prove quite handy.

"But in return for helping you
complete this daring task
I am obliged to make you wear
this garish sequined mask"

The light did glint from sequin'd mask
his head was rent assunder.
A word that isn't used by all.
why not? You've got to wonder.

His jarkled head, his body strong
his visage cleft in twain:
he gargled with a farnstang grub
which helped to numb the pain.

"I feel confused," the Dandy said,
"This journey goes in stages,
The Flea still lies across the sea,
So who's been skipping pages?"

"It was not I" the robin cried,
"you've ignored me since the start,
and the fullbacks skin which I did eat
is mucking up my heart"

And so in maybe vain attempt
To set the record straight
The Dandy's yet to sail the sea
The Flea will have to wait

Or have I missed some vital point
It's very easily done
I popped out for a cup of tea
Some crisps and a cream bun

Returned to find a dozen verses
Maybe 'twas a score
And by the time I've written this
There could be even more

The dandy, dandied foppishly
and tightened up his britches
fashioned from the inner ears
of Grimley Moers worst witches.

His waistcoat glinted 'neath the sun
in hues most bright and splendid:
Mauve and pink and crimson red
and other colours blended.

The pose he struck was dashéd fair
his noble nose quite regal
was of such size it's no surprise
it housed the Antwerp Eagle.

It's wings so broad, its neck so sure
it's talons keen like mustard.
An odd adaption, all things said
as it only fed on custard.

The Grimley Beast, impressed at least
By creatures with big noses,
Said, "Dandy lad, you'll drive me mad,
Enough of all these poses.

"Tis time for thee to cross the sea,
And sniff out, like a beagle
The Florgel Flea's gold treasury -
So fly with yer Antwerp Eagle!"

The Eagle spread its brackly wings
And seized the Dandy's hair,
Then flew aloft through clouds so soft
They could line a robin's lair,
For it is not oft that clouds so soft
Are found on a wicker chair.

The robin, yes it's him again
He gets where water wouldn't
And many's the tale the robin could tell
Although perhaps he shouldn't

For this is not the time or place
For robin reverie
We want to know how things progress
With Dandy and the Flea

Well time had passed like wind
The way that time so often will
And Dandy and the Eagle
Came to land upon a hill

The clouds did waft, like candyfloss
around this awkward pair
who battled with cumulus
with derring doo and flair.

They soared on high and in the sky
they met a joyful throng,
of lilac livered lamputloofs
that wooed them with their song:

"Our garalled prown is langlyfree
our dunstrels wifely snared
yet ye who fly through clouds on high
are not so coarsely haired,

"your spandrels are not fluted like
the oxtrells bandy claves
nor are your waistcoats pocketed
or lined with muckletraves"

"Oh Lamputloofs, with eerie song
how bold you seem from here
but might I say the welly boots
you wear are mighty queer"

we need a "lamputloof" smiley

Now Dandy had been hanging by
His hair for many hours,
Whilst Eagle flew the worples through
Sustained by kitchly powers.

"I can't complain," young Dandy said
"And shouldn't make a fuss,
Our flight was mighty quick alright,
But can we take the bus?"

"You're plainly daft," the eagle said
"Your brains are turned to salad,
Where do you think we'll find a bus?
We're in an epic ballad!

"Tis time indeed we groaned to ground
I'm feeling in my bones,
We're due to meet a witchly waif,
Skilled with the runing stones."

The eagle left the lamputloofs
Upon their lilac couches,
And swept down through a different view
To where the Witchwaif slouches.

The Dandy dropped on grass, close cropped,
Before the Witchwaif's tube,
And watched amazed where glebberts grazed
As Witchy played the flube.

"I knew ye'd come, my glebskin drum
Foretold a sequined visit.
You're welcome here, pull up a gleer,
It's gold you're after, is it?"

Meanwhile a whingeing voice spoke out
"You owe me still my wish!"
The crocodile was speaking to
Colin the flicking fish

"You promised me a loaf of bread
And half a Jersey cow!
Instead I get a filthy beast
And Dandy in a row!"

"Go cool your hide" the fish replied
Sipping a glass of vino
"You should be glad that Dandy lad
Was not the dreaded Beano!"

Biffo the Bear began to swear
Lord Snooty cried "Come, come!"
The Bash Street Kids let down their hair
To the drum of Little Plum.

Then Desperate Dan appeared; a man
Of might and heavy-handed;
'Twas he foiled Minnie the Minx's plan
Of setting fire to Grandad.

The Robin ( you remember him?)
Said,"I'd have come back sooner,"
And thereon cockly bowled his head
"To sprondle this laguna.

"Tis hardly kind to stretch the mind
And cause the reader rages
Through parachronofunduli
That skip back seven pages.

"Still, nonsense is as nonsense does
When fiction's scientific,
And nonsense will be nonsense still
Though not so site-specific."

Meanwhile, across the blurgly sea
A Waif-witch wove her spell
And cast the runes midst thribble -spoons
A fortune for to tell.

"Young Dandy lad, things don't look bad
I'll tell you gladly news,
But you must prove your worth to me
And shave these bristley thews."

The runes were cast, he looked aghast
As Waif-witch bared her legs,
But set he to with razor true -
They soon were smoothe as eggs.

The Waif-witch sighed in deep delide
To see her legs anew.
"At the morning bell, I'll break my spell
And body-form for you!"

"Erm, Eagle," said our Dandy lad,
"Is this in proper order,
This shaving of a Witch's legs
Without a camrecorder?

"What if the Grimley Maid should hear
We had this mergile meeting?
With gold or no, she'll hardly glow
With pleasure at our meeting."

"Relax, young lad, it's not so bad
It was an epic tussle,
To shave those legs as smooth as eggs
You had to show your muscle.

You had to show the world you know
What's what upon a quest.
It seems to me, we'll find the Flea
At this Witch-waif's behest."

"As an aside", one writer cried
"should we put it to debate, or
can I propose we look about
for a skillful illustrator

"The lamputoofs, The Grimley Moer
the Dandy in his wicker
would put the Jabberwock to shame,
both sharper and much slicker."

"You cad, you knave, you boundrous tyke
how dare you drift off topic!
I know this is a nonsense rhyme
but I'm Monstrously Myopic

"You see these claws of gilded rusk
this eye of burnished steel
I've always thought they give a look
of terror, awe and zeal"

"Get back on track" the monster cried
"my walk on part has ended
my head now filled with thoughts of fame
my belly well distended"

Asides in rhyme are quite sublime
And back on track fair nifty
That was verse one forty-nine
And this is verse one fifty

The Witch-waif smiled, her heart beguiled
By Eagle's tasteful posture,
And played sublimely pon her flube,
Young Dandy said "I'm lost. Your

"Music, Waif, would griddle ice
Upon far Grimley's peak,
But beauteous tunes don't tell no runes,
Where bides the Flea? Pray, speak"

"Tomorrow when the Sun's awake
I'll give directions fair,
But first a night of strange delight
With me you both must share."

(Discretion here makes one thing clear
Things got to such a stage -
Well past a kiss to grungly bliss -
But not upon this page!)

The morning dawned, Young Dandy yawned
And stretched his sequinned sleeves -
After a night of strange delight
A Dandy rarely grieves.

He plucked the Antwerp Eagle from
Its nest inside his nose,
Within his chest, the yearning quest
Heroically arose.

He looked about the balrgly tube,
His eyesight largely keen,
He combed his quaif, but of the Waif
No vestige could ne seen!