h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

then this i think i must not waste
I`ll settle for a cow

The Eagle's eyes, so worldly-wise
Scoured the skumbles round,
"I'm sorry lad, we've both been had,
The Witch-Waif's gone to ground."

"Then ground-wards we must promptly go -
No Witch will leave us beaten,
May I suggest, we first digest
These glebberts we have eaten?"

They seized their sizal digging spades
and set to work with zeal
barely having finishéd
their tasteless glebbert meal.

Yet through the day and through the night
and through the day once more,
they toiled and dug with ne'er a shrug
their callous making chore.

Four days they toiled without a break
except to take on water
Just the sort of manliness
one would hope to wed ones daughter.

And then and there they did espy
the witch waif with her kin
strutting her stuff in a leopard skin ruff
while holding her stomach in.

( Editorial Input! Brilliant stuff, Ekki, I'm sore laughing

... current favourite thread ... from about midway it just gets better and better!!

In unison the pair did watch
their eyes both wide in wonder
which was quite odd to all intents
as such sights make most chunder.

Far, far away, a Ventral Snaith
caught sound of witch-waif rocking
and donned it's Ventral Snaithish wear:
A fifteen denier stocking.

Galumphing like the Jabberwock
of Lewis C's invention
it strutted out a loathsome dance
defying comprehension.

It scuttled here, and mosied there
it hopped and skipped and bounded.
A pair of Zanthric Combilewraths
just stood stock still, astounded.

A voice arose betwixt their toes
Adressed the heroes twain.
"You've found us out, we're drinking stout -
You're seeking's not in vain.

"You'll need a Pleedrik Archibolt
To settle the Flergel's hash.
So hap we have one here that you
Can purchase now, for cash.

"Be sure it will most muckly kill
The Flea, or something bigger.
Tis lethal. NO! Don't wave it so,
Yer finger's on the trigger."

"For cash, oh dash, I've lost my stash,"
Wee Dandy hardly said it,
"I don't suppose you're one of those
Who handles plastic credit?"

"Anachronistic to the last!
I am a Waif-witch me, prince,
You'll pay your account, the full amount,
A legsworth full of sequins!"

But Dandy did as Dandies do -
His sequins were too precious -
He squares the Witch, pretends to itch,
The archibolt enmeshes.

He raised the latch and slipped the catch
Thus loading up the jigger.
Before she knew, the blarblies flew
As Dandy squeezed the trigger.

But Witches have their weirdly ways
And Waif's a tricksy hooer,
Poor Dandy could but stand and gaze...
The blarblies passed clean through 'er.

"It's impolite to share the night
Then try to kill your hostess!"
"But you promised me you'd find the Flea -
Then vanished like a ghostess."

The witchywaif just changed her gait
(her eyes were sparkling brightly)
and stated that it wasn't odd
in fact she did it nightly
and that she might have stayed in bed
if he'd been a bit more sprightly.

The party meanwhile, somewhat pooped
By the archibolt's retort,
Began again to buzz, the fuzz
Were circulating port.

For what's a blarbly blast to such
As the weirdly Witchy Waif?
More lifetimes than a Grangle Cat
She had, so she was safe.

Said Witchy Waif to Ventral Snaith
"What ails the Combile wraths?
I'm off to teach this Dandy lad
The joys of bubbling baths.

"His manners, for a Dandy chap
May not quite be the best,
But I gave my word, and undeterred,
I'll put him to the test."

"He's come to me cross the Beebly Sea
In search of Flergly gold,
And his hunting of that fearssome Flea
Is a story still untold.

"Another night of glib moonlight
I'll put him through his paces,
And as we frisk, and frool and misk
We'll see whose pulses races."

Good taste once more binds fast the claw
That would the scene describe,
(A version may be had, plain-wrapped
For a reasonable bribe!)

For Witch-Waif, Dandy, Eagle too
The night passed all too quickly.
A feathery night by glib moolight
That left them sore and prickly.

Quite soon young Dandy's rumbly gut
Was noisily needing filling,
"What chance of breakfast, Witchy-Waif,
With something goodly grilling?

"Not spam, nor spread, but toasted bread,|"
The Dandy stroked her wrist,
"With tea, and eggs, and rolls in bed
And honey," then they kissed.

The Antwerp Eagle promptly woke
And tumbled from the nose
Of Dandy, shedding feathers as
Their passions once more rose.

"Enough's enough of all that stuff,
We've got a quest to follow,
There's only so much purple prose
An Eagle's bound to swallow."

They broke their fast with a rich repast
(Repeated somewhat later )
Then tiptoed through the snorfling crew
Of zonkered rock spectators.

"Don't disappear, we have to hear
The rune-read re the Flea,
So Witch-waif please, I'm on my knees,
Speak now, be kind to me."

"Your manners have improved, young man,
As manners mannith make,
Pin back your ears and quell your fears
And my advice ye'll take."

You'll note the Witch's change of tone
As fits her weirdly role,
She'd shed her ruff of leopardskin
And donned a thong of vole,
And that was all she wore, she tore
A glim-dance round a pole.

"I see I see a fearsome Flea
I see a Flergal snout,
I see a Dandy, Eagle born
Climb up a water-spout.

I see I see a trembling tree
With roots like clibrous clooters,
I see a journey clewed with clouds
On horns that are no hooters.

I see I see, ( that's three times three,
My wirble needs a heater,
There's more to tell, to keep the spell
Put ten quid in the meter.)"

She spun, she flowed around her pole
She seemed a fleeting blair,
She shrieked and howled, while Dandy trowelled
The snakes flung from her hair.

Then Dandy, broke, said "Holy smoke,
Can someone spare a tenner?
I'll swap it for a sequinned sock
I brought back from Sienna."

But Antwerp, having Eagles eyes
Said, "Cut the crap and stock it.
Yon sleeping Ventral Snaith has dropped
A tenner from his pocket."

With cash in hand, you'll understand,
Waif-witch was re-empowered.
So on she spun, she'd scarce begun,
But still more snakes she showered.

"I see I see dire perils three,
And three sea-crossings deadly,
You would be best to head out west
And sing a ghoulish medley.

"I see I've seen an island green
All set about with gritches....
Well that's my lot, I'm feeling hot,
My sides are stung with stitches."

(in the stylee!)

Good Lord! I've been away awhile
You've all been so prolific!
An hour to read the entire file
one word to say...terrific!

The rhymes have all got longer and
The nonsense quite appealing
Freud would have a field day here
Your inner selves revealing

Keep up the good work Hootooers
I think your on a winner
Now I must go back to thinking of
a shopping list for dinner

Then suddenly the Witch-Waif wailed
And turned a glarish puce.
A fritful rapture seized her like
A greasty gallows noose.

She trembled, gurgled, shuddered, shook
And to our lads' surprise,
A greenish smoke leaked from her teeth
Which buzzed like seethy flies -
No scurfish snakes, no pole-ish dance
No costly shrieks, no well-tuned trance
No glib agendas to advance
No ratled runes, no games of chance
No foetid cheeses made in France
No reeking rocksters all a-prance
No slurpid lip-gloss to enhance
No strangley yessicans, or can'ts,
No Slanserlotz with sword and lance,
And bulgey were her eyes.

"Beware, beware, the Flergel's Lair,
Beware the shipling Greep,
Beware the greenish body-hair
Of the Mercows from the deep.

Beware, oh woe, the ways you go
Are set about with peril,
Beware the snows, the Muddly flows
And a Warlock, name of Berril."

The Waif-Witch gasped and falling clasped
Young Dandy's wicker sprokkit,
With a gladsome eye she said, "Now, fly,
Last night was cool, don't knock it."

The Dandy stood enraptured
applauding with such fervor
that a power surge erupted and
didst overload the server.

"HTTP ERROR 404"
the witchywaif declaréd
quite what it meant was anyones guess
but soon it was repairéd.

The Dandy doffed his Gnarlous hat
and bowed in admiration
"Your vole-skin thong" he drooled aloud
"gives untold tittilation"

Then Witchy gave another groan
"Oh no, she's off again"
The Eagle moaned, across his beak
There passed a look of pain.

"Beware the glare of Ellsi Dee,
Avoid the Hummock Heep,
Beware the slabrous Slimmereels.
Don't wake the Wuns That Sleep.

"Beware the poisonous Veeedy Yew
That grows in Flergle lands,
Beware the shifty Shub that seeks
Black gold 'neath desert sands.

"No, go, my Dandy lad, go fast
Before the news gets worse.
I'd hate to think you'd have to drink
Your Fate-cup with a curse!"

Ed.Note: HEEEEEEEEELP. Does anyone know a cure for SOBS? (Severe Overwhelming Ballad-writing Syndrome!)