h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Careful What You Wish For - A23388438
Author: broelan - destitute - U155058

My first fiction contribution ever. Please be gentle (but honest!).

You had me with that first description. I wanted to know exactly who would describe themselves that way (and if the person was male or female). Great opening.

There's got to be something that needs to be punched up, but on first reading, I don't quite see it. Maybe somebody else will put his finger right on it.

Anyway, very vivid and I had a good laugh reading it.

Thanks

I must book you, broelan, as it's far too late for me to read properly

If this is your first attempt at fiction, it's pretty good.
To some extent, it's a freshened up version of the classic boy-meets-girl story beloved of women's magazines. However, the garbage and the riotous dog make it both believable and amusing. I wonder if the end needs to be a bit stronger?

Still booking you, broelan

Excellent in several respects : descriptive prose, narrative pacing, characterisation.

Reward enough for the reader, probably, but the significant weakness is in the pay-out. It's OK for a plot to hang, but it's really got to hang. You either need resolution or you need unresolved tension.

I might be missing something, mind. The title doesn't click with me, which suggests that something you intended to put across hasn't come across. So a good next step in a critical dialogue might be your explanation of the choice of title.

Anyway, till then - well done. It reads like you've enjoyed it, and as others have said, be sure to try more. You'd get even better, and it would be worth it, since on this showing you're starting off very good.

I wasn't entirely happy with the title, either, Pin. It probably has something to do with aspirations I may have had for a longer scene. As is, the title really is inappropriate, or at the very least, misleading. I'll work on it.

I'll have a mull over the ending as well. I hadn't really thought much past the dinner invitation. It was my intention to leave it open to either possiblity.

It might not surprise you to learn that one of the reasons I've never tried fiction is that while I'm never short for ideas, I'm at a complete loss for resolutions.

I did really enjoy writing it, though.

Thanks, guys!

I second all the above .

That was a good read,
Waz

A shiny new title, and a bit more at the end.

I didn't think we'd get an upbeat ending keeping this as a short story. Nice one - it's realistic too. Downbeat would've been the easy option.

This is good, three dimensional, real and centred on an interesting, believable person. The opening paragraph suggests it's going to be fantasy-romance, then defies your expectations and turns. I really like that. What might raise it yet another level would be some echo of that opening paragraph right at the end. Not due to fantasy this time, but to a slight shift in self-perception. It would need to be light and brief though or it would be cumbersome and spoil this.

Self-perception does come out as a theme - I'm taking the neurotic in the new title as relating to that, then the 'fantasy' opening does, then the complete lack of it in Nathan does - a conclusion that pulls that in would round off nicely. If I'm wrong about self-perception being an element here, ignore all this!

Nitpicks:

Two thoughs a bit close together in "I had seen the mutt's handiwork plenty, though. This was the third time he'd tossed my garbage, and I often found other "presents" in the flower bed. I really couldn't complain though - my roses had never looked better."

I've a sense of repetition in "I pulled the sheets up over my head to eliminate the eye pounding." and "Gingerly I lifted up the corner of the sheets and peeked at the clock: 11:12 am." I think I'd try something like 'It didn't.' between the two to separate them.

On the thread attached to the entry, MVP asked if the note was on the door or the chocolates - I took it to be the chocolates and was puzzling over whether there was significance to that. Reading again, it could be the door and that makes sense. I think there's possibility of confusion there though and wonder if introducing chocolates right at the end is possibly distracting?

With the connection chocolates can have to comfort eating, they do suggest a possible throw back to the start of the story but the main character and the story have moved on a bit from there.

Some ,
Waz

Okay, I've tinkered with it a bit more.

I removed one of the 'though's. I hadn't noticed it until you mentioned it.

I had a similar conversation about the note and the chocolates in my journal as well, and after much procrastination and thought (and some distance with which I could see it objectively), I agree that the whole thing was totally confusing. So I've changed that part, taken out the chocolates, and made it clear the note was on the door.

I'll wait a few more days and read it again (I find it hard to be objective when I've just finished writing because I know exactly what I'm trying to say, which makes it harder to spot the deficiencies).

Any more comments and suggestions gladly welcomed

Congratulations Broe, on an UnderGuide selection .

'Careful What You Wish For' is off to a deserved front page slot.

As soon as we can drum up a Polisher...