h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Optemist - A14213062
Author: Still_WRD - U1665007

Here's one of my favorites. Written, of course, whilst bored. I have a few kinks I'd like to ask about, though-

In line 10: Does this make sense?
In line 12: I don't like using "grey" again here, but I didn't want to say "sweet" either, and it hought of "dense," but that doesn't make sense.
In line 18: Does this make sense?

My problem is that I know what I'm trying to say, and can't tell if I've said it. My self-imposed meter thing isn't helpful, either.

Very nice. Do you do a lot of writing when you're bored?

As for the kinks, 'yes' to line ten if 'why not?' to line 12. I mean, what sense do you want line 10 to make? Grey as opposed to silver makes all sorts of different senses to me - but if grey is associated with death's lure a couple of lines later, that narrows it down nicely, I'd have thought.

Line 18 - see what you mean, but I think that works.

'stager' should be 'stagger', yes?

"How can I know what I mean, till I see what I say?"

I think this works, but I can also see how it's still open to tinkering. Not 'refinement' unless you do know where it's going. But as for the meter, that's what's making it work, I think.

Thank you. I don't like "grey" here because I said grey earlier in that stanza, but I don't like "sweet," which is what I had originally, because I think it's too repetitive to repeat again the sweet=rotten theme.

And as to one of your other questions, some of my best (and creepiest) writing springs like Athena from my head when I reach the most utter states of boredom. "Rebecca" was written while I was supposed to be researching leperasy (which is less exciting than it sounds. Who knew that having your body rot while you still lived in it could be so agonizingly dull?). I wrote "Heroes" while folding laundry. I fear I may be mad. Or perhaps I'm inhabited by a strange, creative being which can only take over when I'm my mind is sufficiently dulled...come to think of it, I write well when I'm very tired too...hmm...

But anyway, thanks for the input, it's helpful to have an outside observer sometimes.

Liked this one alot. Would love to read similar stuff.

I think this is along the same lines as "Nurse" (written during a very long bus ride), which I've put up. There are others that are depressing/cynical, but I think these are the only two creepy ones, if you know what I mean.